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After break up guilt?
I'm really struggling through healing from a break that I had at the beginning of the year. He asked me to marry him and I said yes so technically we were engaged? We never talked about why he just packed up and left because he avoided me. We did start talking again but I was afraid to bring up things because I didnt want to make things stressful . I ended up confronting him and he basically said he left because I lashed out at him for no reason, and I kept putting him out. I am not the type to lash out or argue unless someone hurts my feelings or upsets me. A lot of the times he would minimize my feelings or shut down when I wanted to deal with our issues. I never put him out, i only told him to him to leave if he can't talk to me or act like he wants to be at home. He said he did nothing wrong in the relationship that it was all me. Because he blames me, I have started to feel really guilty and questioning myself because I know there were times I did get upset but I remember having reasons. I did everything I could to be a good girlfriend to him and make him happy. I pretty much have accepted full responsibility for single handed ruining a relationship I really wanted to work out. I feel really bad because I hurt him, but I've apologized so many times for it. I'm just having a hard time forgiving myself. How do you move on without being able to fix it?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Ammo made some good points.
The fact is that a healthy relationship is not a one sided affair, nor is it half hearted attempts at making it work.
Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It takes both parties putting in maximum effort to make it so.
The maximum effort isn't just what both of you are doing, but it must come in the communicating. You held back at times. He didn't put in the effort to calmly ask you what was troubling you.
If you dont want to 'make things stressful' in the future, then don't avoid talking things out cus going on not addressing what you have issues or questions about IS going to be stressful to you. Talking to the man you are with is not going to be stressful to him if you remember rules of fairness: Bring up the issues or problems without emotional outbursts, EVEN IF he hurt your feelings or upsets you. You need to determine if it was intentional, or if he really had no idea he was upsetting you or if there were false assumptions on both parts as to how each of you interpreted each others, words, body language and actions.
If you speak in an accusatory way, he will be instantly on the defense and there will be no resolution to the issue. Here is an example of what I am getting at.
Lets say he shares a story with mutual friends when you are out but it is something you never wanted anyone else to hear. So instead of saying, "I am angry at you because you were sharing personal stuff. You are so uncaring about my feelings and now everyone knows about . . .
Instead of telling him what he did wrong, tell him how it affected you without accusing him of anything. Here's how to say it instead:
"Hon, when you told that story I told you tonight, it was something private I confided in you and had no idea you would share something like that to others. When that happened, I felt angry, frustrated at having my secret thoughts and feelings shared with others. I know you were'nt thinking of it like that and didnt mean to embarrass me. Can we just plan in the future before you share anything that involves something I told you, that you whisper to me and ask if its okay with me to share. And I will do the same for you.
Now if he's a loving caring guy and just bumbled into that, he will apologize because you didnt insult his character and are giving him a helpful tool to use for the future. Problem solved.
If your guy ends up doing the same to you again, not caring, even after you calmly and nicely talked to him as I suggest, then he is a douche bag and not worth your time. Once a pattern of doing the same thing over and over happens, you can bet the guy doesnt really care about you and is not in love with you, no matter what he says. Words are cheap, actions are the proof.
If you practice this in the future, you will have a wonderful relationship with some guy.
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Stop-blaming-yourself.
A relationship is a partnership and it works both ways. Lets say, just for the sake of argument that he is right and it was your fault... did he try sit down and talk to you about things and try fix things? For the longest time, when one my ex's had broken up with me (she was my first gf so as you can imagine it wasa rough thing to deal with) I kept blaming myself until I sat down and asked myself that same question I just asked you. My answer was, no - she didn't.
Stop blaming yourself because clearly your ex seems quite happy to just blame the entire thing on your and not take any responsibility whatsoever. Truth of the matter here seems to be that you tried to do the right thing by talking and trying to fix things but if he was unwilling to meet you half way to also do this then the real fault here is his own. Maybe he just can't see that or just doesn't want to accept that and so is finding it easier to blame you but the way I see it, this wasn't your fault nor was it something you should be apologizing for.
Any break up is hard and no matter what I say it will not make it easier to deal with. All I can really say is he had his chance to fix things by talking to you and he chose to walk away instead. More importantly, he seems to have gone running straight to his ex and is engaged to her as well - that all just sounds like a disaster in the making so it wouldn't surprise me if eventually he comes crawling back to you saying he will take you back if <insert excuses here where he basically blames you for the break up in the first place>.
Give yourself time, it is what will help and its different for everyone on how long that will be but it will happen eventually. But stop blaming yourself for the break down of your relationship because it wasn't your fault. You tried to fix things, he was the one who instead of facing things and also trying decided to run away from it instead.
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