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How do I go about this ?
I am 18 years old. The conflict that is going on right now is my boyfriend's friends staying in the way of our relationship. Him and his friend just started talking again and now he always wants to smoke or drink with him. Every time he's with him he doesn't answer his phone or text me back. I try talking to him about it all the time and he says next time he won't do it but he still does. I recently started college and he was supposed to start with me but he had some financial aid problems and promised he would enroll in the spring. He currently doesn't have a job right now and I just don't know where he's going in his life. We planned our life ahead .we love each other so much we even talk about getting married, but he's Constantly with his friend he doesn't have a job and I'm in college and look for job now. Are we had just two different points in our lives that maybe right now is not a good time ?and if so how can I just get over him so easily if we've been together for year and four months already and we love each other?
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Seems to me the conflict here is chiefly one of expectation. There is clearly a significant difference between what you think 'a relationship' should be and what you are actually getting? Of course, a relationship is not a commodity and we cannot simply asses it based on whether it does or does not 'do what it says on the box'. For a start, there is no box. And the only instructions are usually 'some assembly required'! I think the first thing to establish is to find out whether he is actually aware of there being a problem. It may not be that he is deliberately neglecting you in favour of his friend. He might think that his division of time and attention is perfectly reasonable? If neither are employed or in education then smoking and drinking and talking are probably the only realistic occupations on offer? I'd guess that somewhere here he HAS acknowledged the fact that he should be making more effort towards laying the foundations of a solid relationship with you. He probably finds the company of his friend less challenging and confrontational. No pressure to do what he knows he has to. It is his refuge, and so he cuts off connection with you to keep you out of his 'sanctuary' as it were? Fixing this will not be straightforward. Attack and criticise the relationship with his friend and you will force them closer together. I'm sure you appreciate how this works...it's something we encounter in many aspects of life. Somehow you have to inspire in him the desire to do what you want, and to make him believe it is what HE wants and it is his idea. So what weapons have you got? Firstly, pursuing education and/or getting into a job with prospects equals good income. Good income equals a comfortable life and nice things. More free time. Time for you, time for socialising. Now isn't perhaps the right time for a smoke and shooting the breeze with mates. Now is the time for some investment of effort. OK, sounds like he's took a financial knock? There part and parcel of life, it's how you react to them that counts. Secondly you have a powerful sanction (powerful if he does indeed love you a lot, anyway). The fact that you do not need a specific reason to end this relationship. You could end it purely because it 'is not what you want'. He does not have to cheat on you, abuse you or do anything obnoxious. If you see no future in it, or a future you will not be satisfied with...that's enough to stop the show. Naturally, you do not deliver this in the form of an ultimatum. But you strongly insinuate it and leave him in no doubt that 1. You find his level of commitment insufficient and 2. It's not something you have to learn to live with. In short, he isn't the only show in town! To summarise so far I'd say yes, you are at two different points. There is no reason why your paths from these points forward should not converge. But they will certainly NOT converge by pure chance. It will require some effort to steer them onto this convergent path. OK, if it goes wrong, he's unwillingly to make the effort? You've been together a while and at 18 nearly a yera and a half will represent a large time investment. You're going to have to trust me here. Compared to the rest of your life this is a mere blink of an eye. How can you help yourself get over it? Well, if the relationship fails it will be because he has made no effort to meet your expectations...so what of you lost? What would you have 'won' by staying with someone who makes no effort to be what you want? Like we said, he ain't the only show in town. And there might well be a show on right now that's more to your liking!! X
ps. I'm suddenly aware of my reply sounding somewhat mercenary/cynical? OK it's far more poetic to talk about love and being the only one who understands him, and all you need are each other etc. But a comfortable life, bills paid all the time every time and nice things are not something you want to dismiss lightly or feel ashamed about wanting to secure for yourself. Trust me on this one. The way the world can look at 18 isn't nearly the whole picture.
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