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What should i do?
Im 23 year old business woman. And im living with my boyfriend because im pregnant. I earn more than my bf with my business. And it bothers me sometimes how he treats me. He loves me but he dont want to hang out with me. Was it his ego? On his troops. He is a boss. He could boast his self to them and everyone get jealous over him. Because he is on top. But with me he feels small. Because i earn more of our living. Is this the reason why he dont want me to hang out with them? Because of this silly ego. Because he dont want to be laughed at because im more productive than he do? Will i talk this one out to him without hurting his pride? How? We only spend few moments together even if we live in the same roof because he wants to be on his troops where he is the boss.
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If a man functions as being 'the boss' in any working environment he will become used to a state of affairs where his decisons go unchallenged and his authority is absolute. Providing it is justifiable, legal, moral and 'fair' his word is law. It can be a little difficult to expect him to 'switch off' his feelings and actions as 'being thes boss' in the home environment. You have greater earning capacity? Which will be something of a dent to his 'professional ego' no doubt. The best way to address it? Well, you shouldn't really BE comparing and competing in your personal relationship. You each bring different qualities to the relationship, fulfil different roles. To choose an absolutely blatant example of this, he could not choose to carry and give birth to your impending child. Perhaps try to look at the COMBINED power of your earnings and their capability to provide a high standard of living, a nice home, entertainments and of course provide your child when he or she arrives with many advantages. He's not the boss because he's the supremo in his career. You are not the boss because you generate more wealth. You're a partnership, a team...different in some ways but equal in terms of the relationship. Since without both of you there would BE no relationship. It's a bit of a cliche, but there is no 'i' in team!!
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I am going to go through your message piece by piece to make sure we dont miss anything. You are living with him because you're pregnant with his child? Are you implying that if you were not pregnant that you would not be living with him? I don't know your living situation alternatives but if you are choosing to settle for living with someone only because they fathered a child with you, thats not a good enough reason. He must be the perfect person for you, someone you can envision yourself married to for the next 30+ years without a thing about him changing. If not, he's the wrong person to be in relationship with, let alone living with, no matter if you are pregnant or not. He can still provide child support from outside a relationship with you.
You earn more with your business. You tossed that fact in before getting to making guesses that he is bothered by it. So I can not say that your earning more than him is causing him to feeling inferior. You don't know that unless he is willing to come out and share that. If your relationship isn't such that you have that kind of trust in each other to be able to share Anything and willing to share Anything with each other, then you are missing out on something very special and your relationship is not going to be able to obtain the kind of intimate depth to it that makes a relationship last life long.
Next, It bothers you how he treats you. You did not go into detail or give any examples but your next sentence tells me he doesnt want to hang out with you. Not wanting to hang out with you at times can be a far cry from a man treating you badly. It could be a combination of many bad traits and could run as serious as emotional and physical abuse. I dont know if there is more to be concerned about and you just shared the ego part or if that is all. If it doesnt bother you at all that he doesnt earn as much as you, as long as he's not bothered by the difference in earnings, I see no problem.
You mention 'troops'?? So you are saying he has a higher rank in one of the armed forces. People look up to him, makes him feel good.
Well there are a couple of things to understand about males. First, males are made to protect and provide for a female. So one of the things that a man finds a big part of his life is what he does to earn a living, his vocation. All men are closely tied to it, so much that a loss of job can devastate him and tilt his world out of order.
Men like to be useful and feel needed. One way is by 'bringing home the bacon.' If due to his choice of vocation he earns less, then he will need to hear from you consistently what you appreciate about him. Find things that you cant do, or don't like doing and ask him if he would do it for you. A man needs to know his lady needs him for more than just the money he brings home. If he is a well balanced person to begin with, not suffering low self confidence, the average guy can flourish and bloom under the praise and filling needs of his lady.
You said he feels small. Did he say that to you...is he communicating how he feels? You cant know how he feels unless he is telling you, actions can back up words spoken but actions alone can be misleading. I doubt he's told you anything if you are wondering if it is his Ego.
Now you tell me he doesn't want you hanging out with 'THEM', meaning him and his buddies from the armed forces? Wait, I thought you said he didn't like to hang out with You? Does he actually hang out and go places with you, just the two of you? Does he come home to hang out with you? that is something totally different from hanging out with his buddies. Men need their cave time, time alone, and they need their time hanging out just with the guys, just as women have times they hang out with other females.
If he doesn't spend any time alone with you hanging out, then likely he doesn't love you anymore. He can say he loves you but his actions speak louder than words. If the guys he hangs with are bringing their girlfriends and wives and he's the only one who won't, then yes, there is a problem in your relationship. Is it ego? I dont know. But for some reason he isn't enough in love with you to want to proudly show you off as being his by simply having you at his side. My husband doesnt like to go run errands by himself even, wanting me along because he says, "He wants the general world to see the wonderful woman he has in me, that he loves showing me off. Thats how it should be. So if this is the problem, you both should talk about it. If he is unwilling to talk, you'll need to set an ultimatum, be willing to talk and work on the relationship, maybe with some professional relationship counseling, or the relationship since its going nowhere, must end. If you can't be willing to do the hard thing in case he is so wrapped in ego that he makes the relationship dysfunctional, then you have no reason from this point on to complain about it, just grin and bear it.
If he truly fears being laughed at, then it means he isn't able to take a little ribbing or teasing. Could be he's too serious, no sense of humor, feelings are too sensitive because of some bad memory or experience in his past in childhood, or he may be too prideful and you know what happens to those with pride? Pride goeth before a fall. if its pride, sooner or later it will cause him to mess up royally.
How to talk to him, if he's never home, it may have to be done by phone. Write him a letter? You first ask to have some time to have a talk with him in person--make an appointment with him if thats the only way to get it done, tell him you want a serious heart to heart talk. You might even put your ultimatum in here if he balks at it, and say that this relationship is important to you and you love him but the relationship has issues that you see. HAVE
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