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Don't know what I want
Hi.I am in a relationship with my guy for almost 9 months.We have our ups and downs but now adays , we've been having our downs only.It's like , we had sex 4 months ago and now , we just don't have a place where we can have it.I am absolutely okay with it , but he's all horny and devastated.We've been having so much fights lately.It's just so bad!I just love him so much and he does too.We end up leaving each other after every fight but we get back together and have a fight all over again.I cannot live without him.I try to fix the fights and they do get fixed but we have a fight all over again.I don't trust him anymore.He describes how horny he is every single day but I can't do anything about it.We don't even have privacy when we meet , it's just public places.So we can't really do anything.And his ex lives near his place , she always pops up out of no where and that girl is extremely horny aswell , he doesn't talk to her much and all but lately he has been talking about her a lot.I try to keep my cool but she sent him a text asking him to go at her place to go get some songs and shit with using all the winking emoticons.So I was like "So go to her place ;)" and he just went like "yeah" an then I was like "Have some good sex with her maybe" and he went like "If I tell her she will do so" and it pissed me off so much!I expected a different reaction but I was like wow!and then I went like "If you're trying to make me jealous think what would you have done if I told you something like that regarding one of my ex" and he was like "I was just telling you what she said" and so I didn't answer his text anymore and he just sent me another text saying "Just dont talk to me if you can't behave properly!" I mean like what the hell?!And so later we fixed the fight and I told him what I expected from him and he just went like "I am devastated and horny but I keep calm and I didn't expect you to ask me things like that , I was shocked" and so I told him that "That doesn't even make sense , I don't even trust you anymore!" and we ended up having a fight again.
I don't know what to do.I love him.Mom knows about us , my cousins know.I don't want us to end.But I don't see any options either.
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Don't be so passive aggressive. Rather than saying things like "So go to her place ;)" or "Have some good sex with her maybe" be direct. Say "I don't want you talking to your ex anymore". Don't try to test guys. In general, they are not very good at catching subtle clues. They will fail the test every time. Instead be clear about what you want. Don't be afraid to say what you mean. The clearer you are, the easier things will become.
As for the fact that you fight, that is the way it goes in relationships. Most relationships with have arguments. This does not mean you need to break up.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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You need to be brutally honest with him. It's not like he wants sex and you don't so you're avoiding it. The two of you cannot find a place and time where sex is possible. He knows that.
What you need to tell him is that he needs to quit telling you how horny he is. Tell him that there's nothing that you can do about it and bringing it up all the time accomplishes nothing. It's making you feel like all he wants you for is sex. If he's so horny all he needs to do is masturbate and stop bothering you about it. Once an opportunity arises for sex to take place, he will be the first to know about it and it will happen. Until then, tell him that he needs to stop talking about it because it is destroying your relationship. There is no reason to bring up his horniness again until there is an opportunity for sex.
If he can't do that or doesn't understand your feelings, I'm here to tell you that he's not interested in you as a person or a partner. He's only interested in you as a body. You're much more than that and you can't allow someone to treat you that way. Sure he's said really nice things to you, but anybody can do that. It takes a person that really cares about you to act like they do, not just say it.
You say that you can't live without him. That's an outrageous statement to make. You certainly can. You have before and you will again if things turn out that way. There's no reason to overdramatize your statements. Yes, it would absolutely crush you and it would hurt for a long time, but you'd be okay.
If he can't respect you by abiding by one little request to stop mentioning how horny he is, he is not a good person to be in a relationship with and your fighting will eventually lead to a very painful breakup. Try to get him to understand that his words are hurting and worrying you and that you'd like to talk about something else for once. How awful it is of him to want to talk about himself all the time? What is your relationship even based on now? Endless conversations about hormones? What a dreamy guy! Ugh.
So, to recap - There's a very simple solution to being horny. He needs to just shut up about it, masturbate as much as he needs to, and wait patiently for the opportunity for sex with you. That should be pretty simple. If it isn't simple, it's over. Good luck.
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One of the drawbacks to being young is not having a place to have sex freely without being interrupted. I have no answer for as to where.
It seems from your letter that most his fighting might just be over frustrations of not being able to have sex with you. I agree, thats no reason to take it out on you. On the other hand, it may be that his attraction to you only goes skin deep as it often does for guys. I can't say it is so but there is a chance he is more in lust with you rather than in love with you. That plus the young-ness of age (immaturity) and inexperience in the do's and don'ts of relationships would easily explain why there are so many fights.
I cant tell you what to do that would make everything magically good. But I can explain what the purpose of dating is and perhaps that will give you a different way to look at dating.
At your point in age, the object is not to practice longevity of relationship, sticking together long term even if its not a perfect dating relationship. The object is not to prove to yourself or others that you can stick with someone long term...that comes in later years after you have a clue what kind of person you want to end up life long with.
Dating is for determining if there is interest beyond basic attraction, discovering more about the other to determine if you like and can handle their personality traits, and whether there's enough in common, or evidence of destructive habits or tendencies in the other that would harm you emotionally and/or physically and kill the relationship. Depending on what you discover, you either continue dating the person and take it to the committed couple level or you break up.
Dating is more about learning what you do and don't like in a guys character and the same for him. Its a time of making comparisons. Seeing what is lacking in a current partner that you would like to have, or something that they do, or ways they treat you that are disrespectful or hurtful emotionally or physically as in being abusive or violent. When you come up against things like that, you need to decide if you will settle for less or move on to the next dating partner, hopefully always shooting for someone a step better in some area. Make a list of the qualities you like and remind yourself with another list of the qualities you dont like or must avoid because they are harmful to your well being. Review it and update it often through out the years.
If you break up, you look for the next dating partner, always trying to find someone a step better than the last partner, basing your choices for the new person on traits you discovered in the last person that you liked enough to look for in the next person, while at the same time avoiding the other things that you won't tolerate.
If all is going well and you develop some serious feelings for each other, you take the relationship from just dating to the committed couple level. At this level, depending on your age, you are dating each other exclusively or if adults, moving in together or getting married.
If you find you keep having the same issues, no matter which guy you date, either you never learned from the past relationship, or perhaps more of the issues are with you and you need to be honest with yourself as to what issues you need to work on within yourself before you can make a good dating partner. I can't begin to stress how helpful having a list of what I liked and wanted and needed in a guy was to me in finding my 2nd husband. It should work just as well at any age, including high school dating too.
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