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Moving
Hi everyone I am a 22 year old female and live at home with my parents. I recently got engaged a few months back to a guy my family loves. I am an only child and have always been very close to my family, especially my mom. My fiancé lives 2 hours away and works offshore so we do not see each other often. After long thought and talking with my fiancé I have decided that I am ready to move in with him now. When I told my mom this she completely freaked out saying "you will not move". Every conversation we have had about it since then only leads to us fighting and her being totally against me moving. What do I do?! I love my mom but also want to be happy with my fiancé. How do I not hurt her?
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This is a tough question to answer. The reason for this is what is behind your mothers reason for you not moving. Is it because she does not want you living with your fiancé before you marry? Or is it she does not want you moving period, married or not?
Before you can decide how to move forward you have to find or at least attempt to find out the real reason why she does not want you moving. If she just does not want you moving that far away from her then you have a problem that can't simply be fixed by a wedding.
Once you learn the reason the answer to both questions are about the same. How you deliver the answer differs a little. You start by telling mom you love her and you appreciate everything she has done for you. You go on to say that as a mother she had to know that a time would come when you would want to go off and be on your own. Time is now,(here is where the differences are), that you miss your fiancé terrible and want to be close to him to spend as much time with him when he is at home as possible. IF this means moving to his apartment on shore then you have given this much thought and this is what you have decided to do.
Now if moms reason is that she does not you that far away from her. That problem is harder for once you marry you are going to go wherever your married lives take you. This is what marriage is all about. Then you go one and tell her how much you miss your fiancé and how much you want to be close to him.
You finish with the fact that you are 22 now an adult. That even if you were not planning to marry; the time to leave the nest and possibly move far from home would have eventually come. Tell mom that even though you may be moving out and on with your life you are never farther away than her phone or her computer. If mom has a tablet computer install Skype on it and on your tablet or cell phone. Show mom how to use Skype.
Skype is a wonderful program. Not only can you communicate with it but you can see each other while talking. If say mom calls when you don't want to be seen you can ignore the call or answer in chat only. Giving mom a better way of communicating with you will allow her to keep you closer to her while you are where you want to be and need to be. Hopefully this suggestion will make you leaving a little easier on mom.
Your leaving will hurt her. Our son moving a state away hurt us, but we speak to him daily and we see him weekly as he works not far away. So the hurt isn't that bad. He moved so he could have a better life, buy a home and a new car, something the cost of living here wouldn't allow.
Your moving for similar reasons, it is the right thing to do for you regardless of how mom feels or how hurt she may get. She will get over the hurt.
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There are several ways to go about this. One would be seeking help from your dad. You could ask him to talk to her and remind her that while it is sad to see their only child leave the nest, you are growing up and its natural. He can remind her that this doesn't mean the end of the mother daughter relationship. Because he'll be experiencing the same thing as your mother he'll be able to pinpoint her fears and comfort her.
Similarly, you can do this yourself. Just remind her that you do love her and you need to start living your life. Just because that life is two hours away doesn't mean that it'll be completely separate from her. She's just sad and that's ok. Hopefully deep down she knows it's a natural progression in one's life. I'm also 22 and I will be moving out of the house in a few months due to a really great job opportunity. Thankfully my dad understood how important this was to me. It might take her time to get used to the idea. Do what you can to help her, but remember that you are old enough now to decide.
Good luck!
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You're 22, she can't stop you. Just move out, it might take a while, but she'll get use to it. She's probably just not ready forget baby to move out yet.
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