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Miss him
I have a teacher at college that I've become very close with academically. We have spent a lot of time working together. In the past year I've become smitten by him. I don't always know whether I love him as a father figure or a friend or sexually. It changes. Sometimes I feel like no man will ever be able to understand or accept me like he does. It's always made me feel really sad that our relationship doesn't span beyond school things. He has a family and everything and obviously it's unprofessional to hang out with students outside school and it's not what I want because I care deeply about my career and that's what I'm studying with him for after all. It's something that would never happen. But when I'm alone, especially when I'm home from school (I'm graduated now), I revert to my mind and think about him a lot. I have dreams about him and then wake up thinking about him and sad for the whole day. Today I am particularly sad and missing him(and on top of that my nagging mother won't leave me alone on my day off). I just need to shake this off and stop thinking about him and school and the fact that I'm not going back, but it's so hard.
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Sometimes we meet people who we identify with very strongly. There feels a perfect sense of connection and totally natural, unforced understanding. One we could not set up or work to make happen or engineer in any way. It is just 'there'. Sometimes so strong that the two of you seem to hold and share the same single thought? Such relations do indeed transcend everything, we cannot put them in a box marked sexual attraction, friendship, admiration...or any other. And we feel the bond would perhaps fit into all of them equally well? Worst of all, they make all human other relationships (which do not posess this feeling of affinity) seem a little poor by comparison. A little dull and disappointing. They lack that spark that is impossible to define but so obviously present? In your case this bond has been struck with someone who for various reasons is not a realistic option. Maybe it is just impossible to realise. You feel how good things could be, if only....? And it's burning you isn't it? It hurts just about as much as you think anything CAN hurt? I'm afraid I do not have a magic wand or very much to add that can stop it hurting. Only perhaps that this feeling of connection could at any time arise with some other person. And they may be more available, able to let the feeling grow and flourish. And you will have found your hearts desire. Can we take SOME positive from your present anguish? Maybe. You've experienced that inexplicable and perhaps even scary sense of connection that can exist between people. You are aware of its potential. And you know that you are the sort of person who will not be satisfied with anything less in a relationship. each time I read what you have written it calls out very loud that you are one of those people who posess what we might call 'the single heart'. No compartments (the 'boxes' we spoke about). All, or nothing. In a way I envy you this singularity. And in many ways I definitely do NOT envy you it because of its terrible ability to hurt you. In consequnce you'll probably feel hurt more strongly than most people when things go wrong, but also happiness and love more intensely than they do when things go right. I wish you well.XX
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