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I told him I wasn't going to be a side but he keeps talking to me
21/f
I was dating a guy for 4 months and I asked him whether or not if we were exclusive. He finally admitted that he saw us as a fling and that he liked what we had and would rather continue to it even though he did not see a potential relationship in the future. I sent him a long message (for closure for my own benefit), it was everything. Everything that we had difficulty communicating and all of my thoughts, I also told him at the end that I was not willing to be a side until he found what he wanted.
Since that day, he kept trying to talk to me as if nothing happened. I barely responded to him and I was wondering if he didn't understand the point of it all. Three days ago, he messaged me telling me that he missed me and to "not convince myself that he doesn't care about me." I read it and went to sleep.
The day after he messaged me at work as if everything was normal and he tried working out the issues with me that I sent in my "closure message." I honestly did not see a point in trying to work things out and he asked me why I always had a wall up when I was with him, and I told him my story and why my wall was up. He told me that he used to feel distant from me because of it. I told him that one day, I hope to see or find someone who's worth putting my wall down for. And he told me that he wanted to stay around regardless of my wall being up, even though it made things difficult at times.
Today, he told me that he wanted to see me and he asked if I wanted to see him and I got a bit frustrated. I told him that I have told him before that I was not going to be on the side and that I had more respect for myself than that. I told him that I obviously do, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of seeing him. He said he understood and that he'll wait until I ask to see him. I told him that if he was expecting me to act the way I was a few weeks ago, I'm not going to. And that I'll see him after I've completely moved on and that if he was expecting my wall to come down for him, it's not going to because he's messed up his chance. And he told me, "okay, I care for you." And sent me a kissy face.
I'm so confused. I thought I clarified it to him already. What is he doing?
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I can see that he either has no idea what he is looking for in a woman or he is just a user,looking to work a girl into giving him sex. Some gals give off vibes of having no backbone, being too meek, low self confidence, whether they truly are or not and that can be one reason he keeps trying.
The other as has been said is that you answer his messages which gives him hope. The moment you stop answering and the more days that go by without hearing from you, the more sure he will be that you meant what you said.
When he said he had another girl but "that he liked what you had and would rather continue to it even though he did not see a potential relationship in the future, I saw that as an answer of a person who has no clue what dating is for. You date long enough after intial attraction to see if you like them enough to become close friends first...like your bestie girl friend...someone close who really cares about you, really knows and understands you and would never want to hurt you, they love practically everything about you and have lots in common with you...you know...those kinds of friends. It shouldnt just apply to girlfriends, but its even more important that those standards of a best friend apply to the person you decide to date exclusively. Anthing before that is just the exploratory period.
Dating is for determining if there is interest beyond basic attraction, discovering more about the other to determine if you like and can handle their personality traits, and whether there's enough in common, or evidence of destructive habits or tendencies in the other that would harm you emotionally and/or physically and kill the relationship. Depending on what you discover, you either continue dating the person and take it to the committed couple level or you break up.
Dating is more about learning what you do and don't like in a guys character
and the same for him!!!
Its a time of making comparisons. Seeing what is lacking in a current partner that you would like to have, or something that they do, or ways they treat you that are disrespectful or hurtful emotionally or physically as in being abusive or violent. When you come up against things like that, you need to decide if you will settle for less or move on to the next dating partner, hopefully always shooting for someone a step better in some area. Make a list of the qualities you like and remind yourself with another list of the qualities you dont like or must avoid because they are harmful to your well being. Review it and update it often through out the years.
If this guy isnt a user out for sex, then This guy likely isn't trying to find one girl with all the qualities he likes, he is trying to string a whole necklace of them together where each one has 1 or 2 traits he likes that the others don't have.
He is settling for less by not moving on until he finds the person who is just right for him. In doing what he is doing, he is not fair to all the girls. He may genuinely like something about you but he doesnt find he is attracted to everything about you. Not that you are doing something wrong, just that its a matter of personal tastes, beliefs goals and such that are not the same. It is okay for couples to have some things uniquely their own separate hobbies and likes but a good majority better be in common or its a waste of your time and his.
Make the list of what you are looking for in a guy and use this to help you with the next guy you come across. On an average, when dating before I met my 2nd husband, it took anywhere from 3 dates, to seeing a guy for a week before I knew if he was going to work out for me or not. And if not, I'd politely say, I had to be sure, but I know now that I have nothing in common with you, or you can say 'there is no chemistry'. And no matter what he says or does...cut off contact with the guy forever.
Good luck dear.
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I would suggest that if you are sure you are absolutely through with him, you stop answering his texts. By doing so you are in a sense giving him a message that you are in a manner of speaking still interested in him.
I realize in polite society it is not polite to ignore or not answer someone who texts you. Before the advent of social media and the smart phone we communicated by phone and letter. If someone wrote to us and we did not want to communicate with them we just marked the envelope return to sender and the post office sent it back. You can't do that with a text message. The only alternative is to block him and or not respond. Eventually he will get the message.
I'm sure you did make yourself clear to him in you first message. He is the one who is confused because you continue to answer his messages. By doing so you are being polite yes, though also sending the wrong message to him. From here on out if he texts you again just delete it and ignore him. DO NOT ANSWER HIM.
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If you don't want to be his friend, or have any more contact with him, tell him that.
He's being nice, honest and respectful.
He honestly liked the relationship you had, so he's leaving the door open for that. He honestly cares about you, despite the fact you are horrible at communicating honestly with him. Once agian, I have to say that there is no reading between the lines to do here. What he is doing is consistent with what he said he felt and wanted.
Once again, you are the one that is confusing things. If you want to be his friend, then stop with the drawn out talks about your feelings (those are for people you want a deeper bond with, not for people you want to stop talking to you) and just be friends. If you don't want to be friends, then tell him so and do ask him to stop contacting you. From everything you've said here, he will probably will honour your wishes.
Stop obsessing over what he might think or want. He has given you EVERY reason to believe that he has been honest with you about his feelings and wants. If what you want is to be left alone, tell him so. Don't expect him to figure that out when you keep having p epic long talks about closure and walls or saying you don't want to hang out. Those conversations are ways to keep this relationship open. If you want to close it, you have to walk the walk, and actually do that. You have to ask for exactly what you want, and then act in accordance with what you want.
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