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Trust Issues After I Snooped On His Phone
My boyfriend and I are in our mid-twenties and have been together for almost 2 years. One day about 4 months ago, I got a very weird feeling, like instinctively I knew something wasn't right. He left his phone in the kitchen while he was in the bedroom taking a nap. I tried not to let myself stoop so low as to go through his phone, but I couldn't take it any longer and gave in. I found messages to 2 other girls. He was being very flirty with them, saying things like "we should hang out soon" and telling them how beautiful they were. I was so furious I packed my things and left, and drove a couple hours away to stay with a friend.
Up until that day, he had given me no reason not to trust him. I think I was having a moment of insecurity. We got back together a couple weeks after that, after I let him explain himself and I felt like he really did care about me. He said that he had only texted those girls after he had been drinking, which he knew wasn't as excuse, but his lapse in judgement would subside once morning came. And his excuse made sense; the texts would start late at night and end after just a few responses. He claimed it gave him an ego boost. I don't think he has ever actually cheated on me in the physical sense, but my feelings were still incredibly hurt.
When I decided to take him back, it was because I simply WANTED to be with him. We have so much fun together and rarely even fight... We have talked about marriage and other future plans. I felt in my heart that I could trust him and actually, our relationship has been better ever since. But lately I've started getting that bad feeling again. Many times I have wanted to snoop through his phone, but I have refrained. When we got back together, I promised myself I would not throw his past mistakes back in his face. Clean slate.
I want so badly to put these thoughts behind me since he has been so good to me, but I'm having trouble forgetting the past. I want to communicate with him and tell him how I'm feeling, but I don't want him to think that I'll never be able to get over the past. How do I resolve these feeling of insecurity and mistrust without discouraging him?
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Oh honey! I will start by saying this,if you have a feeling in your gut that something is wrong and doesnt feel right,it isn't.
Its totally normal to keep on guard,because sadly when we get away with stuff sometimes,we can be sneaky about it and try doing that bad thing we did again,and never tell the other person.Bad idea.
Its okay to be cautious,but dont overthink and overworry. Try to take it a day at a time!!
Be blessed and trust your gut!
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Take a plate, smash it, now say "Sorry" to it. DO all the pieces glue themselves back together. That in a sense, as sad as it may seem, is the equivalent of our heart after someone has mislead us. I understand what you are going through but if you do not stand your ground, and make rules now you will only be a doormat in the continuing future. Make phone and computer times - let him know that you do not like it when he is on his cell when he is with you and you must reciprocate. Also, leave your phones out in the open more regularly, no passwords on anything. If you want to trust him then he must trust you right? In a relationship we get what we put into it, so that being said if there is a lost spark, bring it back. I find with a lot of these questions here seeking for advice about relationships, people need to step out of the relationship and look at it through a window. You need to ultimately make yourself happy, and it is ok to be a passive person but not to the point where people are constantly doing you wrong and apologizing for it with no consequence. As I have said in multiple advice columns, make him want you. If he seems to stray, he may be looking for that different little edge to keep his, as you said, ego boosted. Show him what he would be missing if he ever screwed up. Try something new, always be yourself and always have fun. Sometimes all you need to wear is a smile. ;) Hope this helped a bit.
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He cares about you and he's good to you, both of those things seem to be totally true. Is that enough for you? Would you be satisfied with the relationship if he were good to you, cared for you, AND sent flirty texts to other women? Because if so, it's better not to know, don't go through his phone, tell yourself it's fine. But if any continued texting would hurt your feelings and make you feel insecure, then it is important that he not do that, and since his actions were a breach of your trust, he needs to earn it back by giving you access to his phone freely. I don't think going through each other's phones is stooping low at all when you're in the process of building trust again. I caught a boyfriend doing something similar when drunk and when I took him back, it was after a complete drinking haitus that lasted 90 days and absolute, unfettered access to his phone for as long as it took for me to feel okay. Maybe that's extreme, but he didn't do it again, and he proved that he loved me by making sacrifices and showing he was trustworthy.
I'm not going to advise you to ignore your gut if it says something is wrong still. It's not about getting over the past if you have a feeling something is still going on.
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