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Because of religion is it really over?
My bf of 9 months just dumped me. We were Absolutly head over heels in love. He comes from a super strong Christian background but when he was in his early 20's pretty much split away from the church. His fam is super religous still and recently have been attempting to bring him back to the church. The past month he became distant because he was so torn on what to do. He is very about loyalty to fam and was struggling w the fact that they would dis-own him if he didn't come back. He's almost 30 and says he had been thinking of one day trying church again and so because of the pressure of losing his fam, he has decided he really wants to make a good hard effort now. Because I am not of the same faith, he said he had to end it. His family would never accept him marrying a girl not a part of their church. He said he still wants to stay friends because as bf/gf we are also each other's best friends. My bday is in 1 1/2 months and he says he wants to still get me something and I asked and he agreed maybe hang out if we are ready. Till then I'm going to back off and let us both heal for a while first, but do you think down the road maybe we could work on things once he feels more like he has a grasp on this? I've even been considering maybe converting if in a few months I'm still not over him. I don't know how to go about bringing that idea up as well. Has anyone else ever gone through this and had it work out, or is it pretty much, if it's about religion, it's over...?
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I agree with what the last person said. This is not about religion, it is about family. I can relate to some of this because I am very involved in the church. I am a Christian by my own decision to accept Christ as my savior. Not because my family made me. In fact, they weren't even Christians yet when I became a Christian! So, if it were really about him... he would be going to the church out of his own will and his own heart, not because his family is making him.
I have had my own trials and tribulations with my family, nothing to do with religion. Just disagreements and stuff. And I wanted to do everything in my power to get them to just love me and accept me for who I am. It always seemed like I wasn't enough to my mom. It's usually the opposite of mother-daughter arguments. She argues with me because I dress to conservative and I don't go out enough! I'm 23. So, I went through a phase in life where I wanted to do everything to please my mom. Then, when I became a Christian, I started living my life to please God instead of any person. But, what I'm getting at here is that it came from MY heart... not in an attempt to please my mom.
As a Christian myself, of course I want your boyfriend to go back to church and enjoy everything it has to offer. Perhaps these may be his reasons for returning but he will find a different reason to stay. As far as converting... the thing is that it is not something you just do. Christianity isn't a religion about going through motions. It is purely believing. Baptism is just a method that you show the congregation that you believe. So, if you feel like you want to give it a shot, that's great! But, you need to give it a shot before you decide to convert. It has to be something you feel in your heart and something you believe before you can make that decision. You can't just say "I convert" and suddenly you are converted. I'm just telling you this because if you go and say that you want to convert, they will ask you all of these questions.
I read this book a while back called "toxic parents" and basically, it was about how we all have a huge allegiance to our family. We will do anything to gain our parents approval, even if we are old! Or even if parents have passed on! It is normal that he wants his family to approve of him and that he feels like he wants them to care. But, to completely end things with you seems like a pretty harsh thing to do if he still loves you. I think that you should talk to him and you should see him if you feel up to it. But, just remember what the last person said... that he has put his family before you! And in this faith, there is a clear command that once you get married, you're main responsibility is your spouse. It doesn't mean you can't love and help your parents. It is just that you and your spouse are a new home and a new family. But, getting back with him and marrying him won't solve any of this unless he believes it for himself. Marriage doesn't change him and kids won't keep him! Relationships are work that is required from equal parties.
I know that you love him. But, remember that love is a feeling and it can come and go depending on situations. True love in a relationship is work and it is a commitment to one another and right now, it doesn't look like he is ready to offer those types of commitments. It doesn't mean that he never will or that he just made a big mistake without thinking. I'm just saying... guard your heart. Don't put all your eggs in that basket if he has not made you a priority. I hope that this helped!
xoxo
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His family is more important to him than you. You can deny this or defend him all you want, but based upon his actions, it's true. You may even say that it's okay if your family is more important than your girlfriend. Do you think that someone's family should be more important than their spouse? Of course not. If you were to marry him what would make anything change? It's not just his decision to follow a particular religion that we're talking about here. Your family shouldn't ever be more important than yourself. He decided to go back to the religion because of them, not because of him and what he really wants to do or believe. His family's wishes are the most important thing in is life. This is a hard truth that you need to come to understand and you need to realize that it's not good. Your feelings are getting in the way of seeing that he's a bad person to be in a relationship with because of what he has done here. If you find a way to get back together with him, his family will always be an issue. Whether it's about religion, kids, or something else. It's best to move on. If HE changes his mind again and decides to be with you, maybe it's worth trying, but leave it up to him. If he is going to cater to what his family wants rather than what he wants, he's not going to ever be a good partner for you. Something like this causes huge problems within a marriage. Even if you're okay with accepting it now because you love him, you won't be okay with it later, especially when kids are involved. The last thing you want to do is begin catering to his family yourself. Converting to a religion for the primary reason of being able to date someone is completely ridiculous, desperate, and pathetic (and you probably know that). You should only convert to a religion because you believe it, not so that you can be with a guy. If you're interested in Christianity, look into it and see if it's for you. Don't do it for him. It wouldn't be believable and is an insult to the religion. If you're able to be friends with him go for it, but it might be difficult to just be friends at this point. I may sound kind of harsh, but when you're desperately in love with someone, you're bound to do something stupid if someone isn't harsh with you. It may be hard to see something like caring about your family and being religious as a bad, unforgivable dealbreaker, but it should be in this case because he's doing it for the wrong reasons. Get out and get over him now before you get in too deep. It will only feel worse the farther you make it with him. Just because you love someone does not make them right for you. Good luck.
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My son had a similar situation with a girlfriend. His mother and I are of different religions. He was named in my religion and raised to know both religions. When he was old enough he was allowed to choose which religion he would follow. HE chose mine as we are closer to my family than my wife's.
Her parents and friends begged her not to go out with him or marry him for by religious law they were not of the same religion, he was my wife's religion even though he practiced mine and hers. Her parents eventually broke them up and so will his if the are that religious.
Truly religious people will not always recognize converts. While they may actively seek them to expand their church accepting them into their family is a different story. Before you convert you should find out if his parents would accept you as part of their religion and allow him to marry you should your relationship get to that point. Otherwise its a mute point that they will ever accept you.
As to how to bring this subject up? The best way is straightforward. You tell him that you don't want to lose him and if it means converting to his religion to keep him and hopefully someday marrying him you are willing to convert if his parents would then find you acceptable for him to marry. No strings, no commitment on his part and you will know once and for all where you stand with him.
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