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My guy friend has a girlfriend but flirts with me and i feel guilty?
Earlier this year one of my guy friends had a bad breakup with his girlfriend and she started dating one of his friends. He turned emo and started cutting himself. He became atheist and more reserved. He had so much hatred to his ex-girlfriend(my friend)and his friend(also my friend)I helped him through it and got him to stop cutting, become Christian, and become more comfortable with people and also to forgive them both and he is now friends with both of them again. He is a completely changed person now. But he seems to have a bit of an obsession with me.He asked me out but I sadly rejected him because I felt nothing for him. I only did the things I did because he was my friend and I hated seeing him that way. He now has a new girlfriend but he acts like he doesn't like her. He says things about her that he think is weird and awkward. He flirts ALOT when we talk over facebook but the thing is I feel extremely guilty. I feel like im making him cheat. Ruining his relationship. Ive told him countless times that I only want us to be friends but he acts like he forgets that. He says im flirting with him when im just joking around with him. He says "I love you" but I try to take it in a friendly way because he says it to all of his lady friends in a brother-siter kind of way. He says things like im his "future wife" but adds "lol" just to seem like he's joking. He constantly reminds me of the things ive done for him when he was at his lowest point. Thanking me millions of times.He calls me beautiful. He gets jealous easily but he tells me things about his girlfriend and other girls to make me jealous. He has done many attempts to get me to fall for him. Extreme attempts that it almost ruined our friendship. Besides the flirting he is a very nice person(obnoxious at times)but very sweet. He has given me many gifts such as food he has cooked (he cooks a lot)and flowers and teddy bears (before he started dating) He told me he was giving me these things for "appreciation for what I have done" and if I didnt accept them, he made me. He is my best friend. He is very protective and defends me if someone is bullying me. He is very caring. He asks how my day was and sometimes good morning messages. He makes it his job to message me everyday and is always the first to start a convo. We will talk for hours on end just about silly things and joke around a lot. He comes to me when he needs someone to talk to and is going trough something and I do the same for him. He says that he will always be there for me if i need anything. He just the bestest friend you could ever ask for. I just feel like im taking advantage of him. Im trying hard to make our friendship work because I don't want to lose him. But he is constantly testing it. He tells me he's not over me even if he has a girlfriend. He treats me like I am his which I have told him to stop but he wont. Nearly everyone in the school knows of his crush on me. He tags me in posts on Facebook that say things like "Tag the most beautiful girl you know" or "tag a girl that you think is adorable" I just don't know what to do anymore! How can I save our friendship?! He was not always like this. Thank you for reading! I know it was long! :(
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Its no different communicating with a female best friend or a male one...in each case, really true, indepth, honest communication is needed. I don't know of too many true best friends were they feel they cant trust each other enough to bare their hearts and share their deepest secrets.
It sounds to me like that is something that is not happening here...perhaps for fear of hurting each other or losing each other.
What you have found in him seems to be all the right things you would look for in a marriage partner or long term relationship in the future.
I always share that being best friends and having the right spark, chemistry, attraction on a romantic-sexual basis is the 2nd thing important to a solid base for such relationships.
So I must assume that since you don't see him as anything but best friend, that you don't feel the romantic spark for him and thats the only thing lacking. Thats good enough reason to not go for romantic dating partner with him.
The problem may be that he DOES feel a spark with you, something more beyond friendship. But if you don't, then it's one sided, not mutual.
This is something that happens often in real life. You feel bad for the other but just can't be what they want you to be. There is no way for you to change how you feel. Time will not change that. I was married 30 years to a man who was sexually incompatible with me, we didn't even have that romantic spark.
I am one always for honesty overall, but will withhold info that could anger or hurt another person if it's someone I am not close to, like a co worker, a distant relative, an occasional and acquaintance, etc. But for someone who is a main part of my life and knows me really well, it is honesty all the way because they would know me well enough to know if I were holding something back.
Right now, my guess is that this young man believes that there is a chance of a future between the two of you, dating long term and eventually marriage. It may be that he assumes it will only take a little convincing, that you will eventually discover you have those feelings for him, that perhaps you are scared of those feelings and have them now and just need to feel comfortable before you allow him to have that kind of relationship with you.
I know of guys who have a best friend in a girl but the guy doesn't have any romantic spark with the girl and she doesnt with him. IN this case, for all rules and purposes, they can be best friends and see each other as a sister and brother. One cant mix that and feel like a sibling and yet also feel that romance spark as well, not unless something in really wrong in the family and a sibling loves or lusts after a sibling and it eventually leads to incest.
You and he need to have a heart to heart talk. Having to share the hard truth with someone is do-able. What makes it work is doing so with your heart in the right place. Is you care enough about him that he doesn't continue with his heart in the wrong place for you due to not knowing the whole truth, then he needs to hear. Your tone of voice and your eyes will hopefully back up what you say and if he's observant he will see and will begin to realize that you aren't pulling his leg, and not being mean, that you are sharing the truth, that you don't feel any romantic chemistry for him and you want him to be aware of that because some of what he says and does is looking very serious and obvious that he sees you now as more than just a friend.
On the other hand, can you picture him dating a girl who would be jealous of you so he no longer has contact with you. Can you handle that and move on, looking for the guy who has the same best friend qualities, treats you the same but you both have great chemistry together?
I say this because this is possibly going to happen once he gets over you and decides to move on and fall in love again. How would you feel? Is it only that you have never known him as anything but friend and for so long that it never occured to you to explore whether there was some spark between you? Some females have realized in thinking along these thought lines or by seeing the guy move on, not seeing her anymore, that indeed she feels a deep love for him and is afraid she lost him. I have heard of this scenerio several times from those writing in. Sometimes, all it takes is confessing you don't f eel anything because you both have chosen to only treat each other as friends and that he has made no moves romantically towards you like holding hands, cuddling or kissing you, so you've assumed it just isn't there, that spark i mean. It could be something like a live coal hidden under the ashes, simply need a little coaxing to fan it into a flame. Be honest if you want to check this possibility out and say you will give it a try but it only takes a day or two to know by allowing such advances from him and seeing if you have a natural response to him. If you dont, then tell him so. When I was dating before I met my 2nd husband, I went out with a guy that I really liked in conversation, lots to like, but when he kissed me, I felt nothing. Of course he noticed I didn't kiss back, I told him I didn't feel any romantic response but we agreed to give it a little time and see if things changed. It did not. There are 3 way a female could respond to lets say a man stroking a finger along her arm.
1. total disgust and revulsion, grossed out
2. it feels so sensual and excites you and you want more
3. you feel absolutely nothing, neither 1 or 2.
In case #1, theres no connection as friends nor in romantic chemistry.
In case #2 There is either the romantic chemistry, sexual attraction but the other friendship connection is missing or both connections are there
In case #3 The friendship connection is present but the chemistry one is missing.
I can't say whether your friendship can be saved if you dont become a romanctic couple dear.
I told you all this so that you can understand why, if it doesnt work out to stay friends long term. Cus eventually in life, both of you will move on and things get complicated then. The priority of ones time must go first to girlfriend/wife, home, family-children, job and other things and usually that leaves little time for a friend is the other female in his life doesnt feel threatened or awkward because of you.
What if he can only meeet to chat once every 2 weeks or way less? Even friendships with girlfriends change drastically as we graduate and move on with our lives, which often take us in different directions and then we also grow and change into someone different so that we find we have less in common in the future with someone we were once close to. This is all part of life and a very common occurance.
I wish you the best.
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