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take the next step or cut it off
I've served just about 4 years in the military and i'll be getting out and moving back to my home town in a few weeks. i joined when i just turned 18 and on my first vacation home i met a girl via mutual friends and have since become, for lack of a better term, "friends with benefits" although we do hang out together socially with others as well. i made it clear on the first night that i had alot of deeply rooted trust issues with women due to past relationships (but thats another story)and because i did live so far away i had absolutely no interest in a relationship.
we've met several times since when im in town and touched on the subject a few times and its been clear that she would like to be more. i've told her that my intentions havent changed mostly because im still emotionally afraid of being in a relationship. im afraid shes just going to get too emotionally attached to keep things how they are so it wouldnt be right to continue as we have been.
but because of my inability to trust her even though shes never given me reason not to i wont be able to provide with with a healthy relationship and will just end up hurting her. im sure shed be willing to work through this with me if we did move forward but would it be fair for me to do that to her? it may take me well over a year to truly work though this for all i know. or would it be better if we just cut ties so she could find a man deserving of the great woman she is.
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Im with advice man on this. You said:im sure she'd be willing to work through this with me if we did move forward. " I must say that good intentions alone are not going to help. My ex husband felt guilty at times about how he treated me and always promised to do better but he was trying to work it out on his own when it was not possible to begin with. On the same hand, he was not willing to admit that his issues were greater than he had the ability to fix on his own. So my pleas for him to seek professional help were ignored. It took my threats to leave for him to go for a while to a psychologist, but for the wrong intent. He did not want to feel his past hurts and abandonment issues brought up because of fear as we all do that it will hurt to have to face it again in order to heal from it. So he went through the motions, pretending for the counselor in hopes that it would convince me to stay. In a private chat, the counselor had to confess that some people take a lifetime to make a minor change and some never change at all due to whatever is holding them back. He couldnt promise me things would improve so I finally left.
Now back to you. It is smart and considerate of you to not want to hurt a female by not being able to commit to her. So if you do not choose to follow advicemans advice, I want you to be fully aware of the kind of life you are going to be facing.
Use your imagination, picture this. You're a healthy young male and will desire sexual relations. So your only choice will be masturbation only for the rest of your life, or venturing into more 'friends with benefits' relationships....a whole string of them that last only as long as it takes for her to fall in love with you and at that point your break up with her and move on to the next. Or you hide away and never see any female at all....for the rest of your life. The pain of loneliness, no female social contact, just your male buddies and family. No children. Now you are approaching retirement age and looking back...how will you feel about the life you've had. Will you have any regrets? Was it worth, all the things you gave up to your deep rooted issues buried and not have the very temporary hurt from reliving them to go through the healing process? How would that "healing hurt situation" compare to the hurt of never having had a healthy loving relationship, finding your soulmate?
My belief is that a person can't run from hurt. You can avoid it in one area of your life but you will run into it and have to face it in another. My advice is that it is better to deal with it.
Good luck young man!
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My son could have written this letter as he too has trust as well as commitment issues due to being hurt by a girl he wanted to marry. I will tell you what I have told him.
In your case I need to modify it a bit as you have a girl you think will work through this with you. If so and you think when you do work through this issue you can make a life with her than keep her, but talk to her and make sure she is willing.
You are not going to work through these issues on your own they are more powerful then you think. It is unfortunate that you did not address these issues while you were still in the military as it would not have cost you anything as the military has free medical. You might mention it during your out processing physical if you have not already had it. It may be possible that the VA will pick up the cost of you seeing a psychologist if you do.
A psychologist is the person you need to see to get help with this problem. No you are not mentally ill. Not all people who seek help from a therapist have a mental illness. Psychologists are people you can go to a talk about things you would not even tell your mother or your wife trusting in the knowledge that whatever you say to your therapist stays with your therapist. Everything you say in therapy is confidential even in group therapy should that be a recommendation of the therapist.
By talking about whatever caused you to lose your trust in women a psychologist can help you deal with it in such a manner that you can put it behind you and move forward with your life. Losing trust or faith in anyone class of people or persons is a horrible way to go through life. Yes you can learn to regain faith in those who you have lost faith in. By seeking the help of a psychologist you can do so, faster and better and in a manner that is lasting, then by trying to do so by yourself.
You say, "I'm sure she would be willing to work through this with me." This is the beginning of trust and trusting, this as I see it as a good move one you will help you if you allow her to help you and work with you. She will need to work with your therapist in order to help you. No the therapist will not disclose to her anything you do not give permission to disclose. What the therapist will do is give her instructions as to how to help you between visits. Possibly give her some type of trust exercises to work with you on that you and the therapist can discuss at future visits.
My advice is that you take the next step but you do so under the guidance of a physiologist. This can only help you especially if this girl is willing to help you. If she is then this alone tells me she is invested in the long haul with you and this makes her a keeper. This is the advice I would have and have given my son.
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Explain your fears and hesitations in detail with her. You clearly feel something for her because your concerned about hurting her, and whether that's a romantic attachment or not is your decision. I think that if you have no interest in dating her, let her move on and give her space. But if you want a relationship, lay your cards on the table in detail and talk to her and see if she is willing to work on your issues with you.
Good luck :)
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