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A little long, could use a lot of help
Good afternoon. I'm a 23 y/o female who lives with my mom and my grandparents. Just to give you some background, I have always lived here at home. My family did not want me to leave for college, and I respected those wishes. Now, it is my biggest and deepest regret. I really feel like if I would have left, they would not be such bullies. It has actually made me develop very negative feelings towards them. In college, I met a man and we started dating. He's only a year older than me and we have been dating for about three years. About 6 months into the relationship, my mom started to hate him because of something stupid. Basically, at the last minute, he advised me that a function we were going to was in the morning instead of at night. Since then, all I hear is her asking me when I'm going to break up with him. I have been dealing with this for two years already. Basically, I just let it slide and hoped that one day, it would just go away.
Throughout this past year, it has gotten worse. I just got my first full-time job, but they aren't paying me very much to start off. I'm still happy because it's more than I've ever made before. But... I can't move out with that salary. My family has decided that since I can't move out for financial reasons, they were going to build an efficiency in the back of the house for me to live and feel more private. With it's own kitchen, and bedroom, etc. That's all very nice. But, the catch is that I have to break up with the boyfriend. My mom has threatened to kick me out of the house and have me live on the streets if I don't break up with him. I entertained the idea for a while just because I wanted to have peace with my family. Now, I wonder if peace with them is worth it because they haven't exactly been that great to me. I've been a great daughter and honored their wishes for me to stay here. And now, they want to throw me to the streets just because of some guy? My mom has treated me horribly. At one point, while in college, she stole my identity to shop. I was in nearly $10,000 in debt, which I just finished paying off. And, I paid it off and didn't turn her in because I didn't want her to be behind bars.
As far as the boyfriend, I have seen some things that I don't like, which is completely unrelated to my mom. For instance, I am a woman of faith and he is not a man of faith. This could bring up issues in the future when raising our children. Whatever you believe, you want to find someone with those same values and morals. I want a big family. I grew up an only child and it was a very lonely. He wants a small family. He is obsessed with hard rock and metal. I hate it. He is extremely left-winged liberal, while I'm more on the conservative side. I believe in men treating a woman like a lady... whereas he believes that men and women aren't different at all and that a man shouldn't have to open doors, etc. We're just so different. He's been there for me through some difficult times. Severe conflict with my family. When my cousin passed away. In fact, that was when we started dating. My cousin and I were very close. We were best friends, confidantes! I really believe that grief clouded my judgement. There were tons of red flags in the beginning of the relationship that I should have picked up on. For one, we had to keep the relationship a secret for a few months, just because he didn't want drama from his friends. It was just stupid, especially at this age. We're not in middle school. After a lot of evaluating, I think that as much fun as we may have now, there really isn't much for us in the future. But, as I said, he has been there for me through some hard times. I don't hate him and I am so grateful that I had him in my life. But, I just don't see us moving forward as a couple. I really don't want to hurt him. I can imagine that when I tell him, he's gonna cry and that breaks my heart! I've been refraining from doing this just because I care about him and I don't want to hurt him. I think about what I'll miss the most...and it will be his hugs. I just feel like if we didn't have any physical affection, we would have nothing. We don't have enough in common and I for one, don't feel special as a woman when I'm around him.
Finally, regarding my family, I don't know what to do. Initially, I was doing this for me. Craving peace with us. Now, I still want peace. But, I need them to know that this isn't about them. I also need to reassure myself that this isn't about them. It just feels like I've wanted a good relationship with them for so long and I wanted peace while living here, in this house. And now, I'm asking myself if it's worth it. Just look at what they've done. I have to have some pride. Not, in the sense of never speaking to them again. Of course, I will forgive them. I just think that for as much as I want peace, my mom needs to know that identity theft is not okay and that threatening to throw me out on the streets is not okay just because you don't like someone over a time of a date.
Thank you for reading thus far. Please advice on!
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Lets start with your family and your needs with them first.
You are 23 and adult and while honoring there wishes while living under their roof is honorable. They are going to far with their demands. It doesn't have to be your current boyfriend it could be something or anything else. They are using your living with them rent free as a way of controlling you which is wrong. Their offer of rent free housing should be with no strings or with a modest fee for rent but no strings attached as to your lifestyle or whom you date.
As to moving out it is understandable that you may not be able to afford your own place. Have you given any thought to living with a roommate and sharing the cost of an apartment. This may be a more affordable alternative for you.
Your local daily and weekly newspapers should have personal columns where people are seeking roommates. There are also sites on the web dedicated to finding roommates. Lastly there are some agencies that help in finding roommates though they charge a fee. For their fee they supposedly vet roommates for compatibility and help find apartments.
As for the boyfriend. If you're having second thoughts then maybe you should breakup but don't do so because your mom wants you too. Some of the things you speak about do not have to be deal breakers.
Such as the faith problem. You do not have to stop being a person of faith if you were to marry; nothing says your children could not be brought up in your faith. This is something you would need to discuss further before entering into marriage or the thought of marriage. My wife and I are of two different faiths. We decided we would raise our children to believe in god and know both faiths. Actually it was my mother in-law a very religious women who made that suggestion. When they were old enough they could chose the faith they wanted to follow. This is what we did and what they did.
You want a large family he wants a small family. Put that into numbers and see if you can find a happy meeting place. To me anything over two could be a large family. Maybe to him his small family is 3 or four. Don't assume find out what his number is then see if you can live with his number or not.
He being left wing you being a conservative does not have to be a deal breaker. Just look at the marriage of Bill Clinton's campaign manager and President Bush 41's campaign manager. You don't get more opposite than those two and they married right after President Clinton was elected. I would say it should make for some great discussion on those cold winters nights before elections. It does in our house.
I'm not telling you that you are wrong for what you are seeing, I don't know either of you so I can't say. What I am saying is you can evaluate any situation to whichever side you want it to be. I looked at your evaluation and took an opposite side it was easy to do. Don't just make a one sided evaluation. Talk to him about your concerns first then make up your mind if you two have a future together. This is what I see missing from what you have written, the discussion of these things between you.
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Since theres too many differences with the guy, and to me faiths not being the worst, then you have no reason to continue to be with him if you really want to find someone to marry and have kids with one day. Its just coincidental that your mom doesnt like him and is giving you ultimatums trying to convince you to drop him.
If this your first serious boyfriend? You mentioned being an only child. Your mom may not ever want you to leave home because she can't handle the idea of you not there. Lets say she lives to 80, will you be in your fifties and still never married because mom would never have been in the frame of mind to approve of any guy, no matter how perfect he was.
You are an adult now. Your mom has some serious issues wrong with her if she stole your identity. I can understand not wanting to turn her in because she's blood relative but that also sets you up to continue to be controlled and treated in an abusive manner by her cus she never had to pay the consequences. A parent sets rule for a young child to abide by to teach them proper behavior. If when the child tests those rules and goes against them and the consequences are not carried through, the child becomes an uncontrollable little monster. Consequences for kids are go to bed early, sit in a corner, no dessert or tv...etc. If your mom never learned that as a kid, it could explain why shes as she is. But there's always a possibility she has some kind of mental disability thats never been diagnosed. It is unhealthy for you to stay with her any longer. So my advice would be to find a way to move out from moms and also to break up with the boyfriend.
You mentioned being involved in church. So go have a chat with your pastor. Let him know what the situation is at home...yes all of it. He need to know how bad it is and ask him to help find you a place to live. He needs to know you can't afford a place of your own, but perhaps with several roommates, other christian girls. Or maybe with a church family to live until you can afford to live on your own. Thats what the church should be for, the practical help like this for those who are part of the church family.
Good luck dear and may blessings come your way
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