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Same Old Case of Low Self-esteem
18/Female
I am from Puerto Rico. Currently in the process of getting an apartment and getting ready for college life. Except... I don't feel ready for it at all. I feel like I'm walking into a dark room with explosives planted all over and I'm bound to trip over one of them. Everyone I know seem so confident and are far much more ready than I am. This isn't my only problem. I'm scared. I'm scared of this new life that's coming ahead. I am going to an university that's about like two hours away from my home and that's without traffic. Sure, I'll be living with my best friend since seventh grade, but she has her whole future written out for her. She's already got an awesome summer job that is going to leave a lot of money for her and halfway through she's going to the US. She'll be much more busy and I feel that living together will somehow stretch us farther apart instead of closer because of how high up she is. She has had universities fight for her - I'm barely average intelligence.
I don't know if what I'm going for us what I truly want or if I'm cut out for it. I got in through Geology, meaning that I'm going for a Geology major but am planning to take a minor in Atmospheric Sciences so I can Master in this instead of Geology. However... my real passions lay within art. The last few months in high school left me yearning for things that aren't science. I was in charge of making scenography for a play to get funds for the graduation - it was a stress but I loved it! It felt so nice at the end... knowing that I had done that. I love theatre - singing, dancing, acting, especially dancing. I've always been camera shy so I never showed what I had, ever, and now I lament never doing so.
I don't know what to do. I feel lost here. Everybody is too busy to listen to me and what I'm feeling - my mom gets angry when I mutter so all she does is yell and that just makes me cry, which makes me feel worse. I see so many of my friends hanging out with boys and many of them in happy relationships while I'm just a loner who's too shy to approach guys and no guy has ever told me he likes me... I feel like I'm pretty much breaking. I've kept so many things inside that I don't think straight anymore, I lay around all day doing nothing while I know that I should get up and do stuff - anything! I just... I guess that basically what I'm saying is that I suffer from extreme low self esteem but always try to hide it, or at least most of it. I've already gotten advice but every advice I get seems so plain, empty and repetitive: "Everything will get better." "Smile." "Do what you want to do!" "Follow your heart." I'm not saying I don't appreciate it... but I want something else.
I just want somebody that will listen to me for real and understand me. Any advice to any of the stuff I just rambled?
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Do you like Geology and Atmospheric Science? If not why did you sign up for these classes. If these courses of studies are being thrust upon you by outside influences then how you feel about yourself is not going to get any better.
You wrote that you came to love Art. If Art is or has become a passion the I would think it would be you major cause of study. If art has truly become a passion then this is the course of study for you. By taking classes in subjects YOU want to study some of the other problems will go away as well.
You speak about being a loner and being shy. When you take classes you truly have a passion for you will join the study groups that form. In these study groups you have a common base of interest and discussion. Friendships good friendships are formed when there are common bases by which to form them on. Having a common interest, one you are interested in and knowledgeable about will overcome your shyness and allow you to speak within this group. By speaking within this group people will get to know the real you.
There will be boys in these classes and I assure you one of these boys is going to become infatuated by your interests as it mirrors his own. He will start by asking you if you want to go for coffee after group study to continue your conversation. From there it grows into a date and the next thing you know you are in a relationship.
This may not happen if the course of study you are taking is not one you are truly passionate about. You will join study groups because you will need to in order to get through the class but you will not have the passion to show them they real you.
To bring this full circle. If Art is something you really believe you want to do with your life then do so. You are 18 legally an adult and can make your own choices if you chose to do so. As the saying goes money can't buy happiness. So do not let earnings potential decide you college course.
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First of all you need to stop comparing yourself to your girlfriend! Her situation is different from yours. Not better, not worse, just different. You already know what you really want to study so you need to go see your counselor and switch majors. There is nothing wrong with majoring in the arts as opposed to science! Whatever you do this is NOT the time to be worrying about finding a boyfriend! Find yourself first, once you are happy with that the boyfriend will show up, you can count on it! Why don't you look around for a local theater group and go audition. You said this makes you happy so why aren't you doing it? You will probably not only enjoy it but you could make some great new friends as well!It sounds to me as if you could be starting to go into a depression. At your age you should not be lying around doing nothing! Make an appointment with your doctor and explain how you are feeling. You may need to see a counselor to help you get through this. There is no shame in that. This little quote from the great Albert Einstein pretty much sums up your situation, "Everybody is a genius but if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree it will live it's whole life believing it is stupid!" Stop trying to climb trees girl! Jump in and start swimming!Good luck!
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It's perfectly normal to be afraid of life after High school. As a kid all you have to do is go to school, clean your room, and hang out with friends. Now its over and real life is about to begin far before you had ever expected. Ironic is'nt it, you wanted so badly to grow up and now the moment is here and all you want to do is cry for your mommy and after a cup of milk with cookies and a nap wake up and realize you are only 5 years old and all of this was just a dream and you can go back to the days where your biggest trouble was learning to color inside the lines. Trust me I get it. I had to grow up quick and before I was ready when I gave birth to my first child at only 17 years old. But the good thing is, this is just college, not a human being so you dont have to worry too much haha.
College can be scary I know when I first started I was terrified. Not because I was doing something I hated, in fact I loved it, I studied photography. The scary part was knowing that there was a possibility that I could fail and let my family down. But it all worked out well and I have yet to let anyone down. Or at least I dont think I did haha. Although there were a few times I came close to crying for my mommy, but I made it this far. But what kept me going was the fact that I knew I was doing something I loved. Other people tried to push me to become a nurse or something else because they said photography wouldnt make me much money. Which seems to be what you are going through. You shouldnt live your life trying to make other people happy and doing only things they want. You should live it for you. Otherwise you will never be happy with yourself. You will always be miserable and wonder "what if". And if the people around you truly love you they will come to love the choices you make. Only you know what is best for you and what will make you happy. Never give up on your dreams. You are terrified because you dont know what the future holds and you envy those who have it all together. But truth is, even your best friend doesnt have it all figured out, no one ever does. Life is full of surprises and if you are doing what you love then life will be full of happiness. I know that you are trying to do what everyone wants of you but I think you really need to think about it before you make any big choices like spending thousands of dollars on a carrer you dont even want. Try asking your mom or maybe another person you know and trust if you can stay with them a while longer before you start college so you can have a little bit to think about what you really want. Its ok to take a little time out before you go forward with big choices. If you ever need help or you want someone there to weigh the pros and cons with you let me know and I will be there to help. Life can be hard but definately easier if you have someone to walk through it with you. I hope that I can help you if I have not already. I am here to listen, no judgement, and answer the best I can. I hope all turns out great and I wish you the est of luck in your future :)
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