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My friends ex-boyfriend, I'm worried
We live in the USA and are going to be Juniors in High School next year.
My childhood friend, Lily, was in a relationship with her ex-boyfriend, Bryan, for over a year.
I met him when they first started going out. Most of last summer and every Wednesday since last fall(for church activity's)they were at my house. He seemed really nice and you could tell they were perfect for each other. They both liked a lot of the same things, their personality's were similar, and they had a lot of chemistry.
But as the months went on, especially since I was with them a lot, there was more and more tension. Until they were eventually having arguments literally every time they were at my house. I was wondering when they were going to break up for months before they actually did.
When this happened, I would basically just leave the room and get food, or start doing the chores or something to give them a little privacy when they'd argue. Because I didn't want to get involved or over step my boundaries as a friend in their relationship.
But one day, Bryan was being mean to her and told me to leave so they could talk, Lily asked me not to.
So I didn't.
He started yelling at her, calling her a bitch and telling her she was immature among other things, because she 'broke a promise' or something,(I can't remember much as this was around 6 months ago) Then he took a knife and started cutting himself, in front of her.
And what makes this even worse is the fact that a year before Lily attempted suicide and cut herself often. And he knew this.
I just sat there in my phone playing games. I was so angry, but I kept telling myself that it was between them, and not to get involved.
The after he cut himself twice, she started crying and sat by me, I hugged her and I couldn't hold it back anymore and I yelled at him saying he was the immature one. He looked at me, made Lily sit up and whispered something in her ear. She then looked at me and asked me politely to leave, which I did.
I wanted to punch him so bad, but my cowardice at wanting not to interfere won out. It's one of my biggest regrets.
A few days later she came alone and told me things about him. That he was abusive and controlling. She told me how he tried to choke her on multiple occasions, among other horrible things.
I remember one time he started yelling and getting mad because she put on mascara(she usually doesn't wear make up). And another time because she asked to dye her hair.
It continued on like that until about 3 months ago, when he accused her of lying and cheating because she and I where at another friends house watching a movie and while Lily was asleep 3 guys came over for 45 minutes and left.
They got in a huge fight, and we were fishing and he was calling every 5 seconds in both Lily's and my phones. Until he came and yelled at her crying saying that she took it way to far.
Then her mom came to pick us up and we went with us to her house, and when I left an hour or two later they looked like they were fine again.
Then I think a day later she came to my house and wasn't sure if she should forgive him or not. I remembered some advice I found on this website and asked her: "Could you stay with him for another week?", she said yes. "Another month?", she said yes, and I kept going up to a year, 2 years and so on. Until she couldn't say yes anymore.
And at that point, she decided to tell him they should take a break.
But he kept calling again, for days non stop. She had to change her number because of it. The he would message her on Facebook, she would block him, he would somehow become friends with her again.
Then shortly after they broke up rumors started spreading, that she was having drunken hookups, paying people to have sex with her and that she was a huge slut. (I know for a fact none of these are true. Plus we live in a small town where everyone's a backstabbing gossip)
He'd message her asking if they were true, asking if she was talking to guys, when she'd say no, he accuse her of lying.
Over the 3 months since they broke up, he's ruined a lot of things in her life. He started telling people he'd kill himself if they talked to her and stuff. Basically he crossed lines should never be crossed.
I could tell he was manipulating her, but I don't know what for.
She told her mom a lot of what he did(I'm not sure if she knows everything, considering Lily told me I don't even know it all) and a few weeks ago, her Dad. Who called Bryan and told him if he ever talked to Lily again he'd beat him up and call the police.
But yesterday, he started telling Lily more rumors and asking if they were true and she said no, and he accused her of lying again, so she got mad and we went to his house to get him to tell her who's saying the rumors. (I knew it was a bad idea, but I didn't try to stop her because I knew she wouldn't listen)
And I sat in the car while she talked/yelled at him. They went into his back yard where I couldn't hear them, and when she came back she was crying a little, and we went to another friend of ours to tell her what was going on. Lily went outside to call her mom, while we(Me and our other friend, Megan)stayed inside. She called Megan, with out coming back inside, and said she was going home and would be back in a little while.
Megan and me waited, until about 45 minutes later, Lily's mom called and asked if Lily was there, saying she left to come here 20 minutes earlier. We said she wasn't then called Lily.
She didn't answer.
So we called her off and on for 2 hours, before she finally answered, saying she was in a car driving to a town almost an hour or so away and that she went fishing with Bryan and her mom knows where she is.
Basically what I'm asking for advice for is, I'm really worried she might get back together with him. She loved him, still loves him. A lot. She even gave him her virginity, which she broke up with most of her previous boyfriends for tying to have sex with her. When she was explaining what happened to Megan, she was saying how much she loves him and that she knows he messed up but also thinks she did too(for breaking up with him, or telling her parents, not sure which. Maybe both).
She spend her 16th birthday crying over that asshole. I couldn't bare watching that again.
I know I'm her friend, I also know I can't make up her mind for her, and if she does get back together with him I have no say in it.
But I can't just watch her go through all of that again... I just need some advice that maybe I could tell her, or some advice on what I should do..
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From everything you have said if there's one thing that has remained constant it is this guy and his behavior. It has only gotten worse if anything at all and certainly not any better and I can say with a lot of confidence at this point that it will continue to get worse.
The guy is manipulative as well as a control freak. The whole cutting himself and threatening to do something to himself are all ways for him to maintain control over Lily because he knows that all these things will bring her back to him. I mean the amount of times she's walked away from him only to go running back to him because he has said something, this is him manipulating and playing with her emotions to get what he wants. He is so untrusting of her that he is willing to believe all these rumors even after asking her about them and her saying they are not true. And I would go as far as saying that it would not surprise me at all if he was the one who spread all those rumors about her in the first place.
You are her friend and so if anyone is going to step in and do something about it then I would say you have every right to especially since this guy is a danger to your friend. He has just gotten worse and worse and he clearly seems to have some kind of an obsession with her which is why he can't just leave her be too and this is a dangerous thing. You need to try talk to your friend and explain all this to her. If he is abusing her physically and mentally then this is not something that will stop, the only way to stop it is her getting away from him and if he won't stop calling her or contacting her she needs to go to the police and gain their help because what he is doing is crossing the line some. Her parents are involved in this whole thing now too so go to them and speak to them as well and tell them about your concerns and see what they say. It might help if you all talk and then maybe all go to Lily together to try and talk to her to make her see what is going on.
She deserves a guy who will not just love her but also respect her because love alone is not something that will just make things work. At the moment yes he loves her which is bordering in my opinion on an obsession but I question whether he respects her.
Good luck, I hope you all manage to get her away from this guy.
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Have you thought about going to her mom and dad yourself talking to them about it I have seen things like this before I was like your friend at one point until one day My ex husband pulled a knife on me he tried to kill me.... Don't just let this go these kind of thing only get worse as time goes on and I am willing to bet you know things her mom and dad don't know she may get make at you for it but it is better to have a mad friend the not to have a friend.
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