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My bf avoids me
Hi. I recently posted this.....Hey guys, I'm 19/f and my boyfriend and I have been together for about 1 years and a half now. Our relationship is perfect except for one thing, and that is I'm not social at all. I'm more of a quiet, laid back person. My bf in quite the opposite. He loves to be social and I think he has been avoiding calling me because when we talk on the phone most of time he does all the talking and he talks for a very long time. Sometimes I interact and say a few things but I always feel like it's never good enough. He has tried to make me more social but it never works. Sometimes I think he deserved better like someone who he can talk to and get feedback and I'm not that person. What can I do?
And your response was.....Has something changed in your relationship? You say he avoids you and in your message that you merely think he has been avoiding calling. What any person thinks and imagines is not necessarily the truth. I can't say if you have good reason to suspect this, perhaps something you failed to share with us because what you have shared about how he treats you doesn't send up any warning signals.
If he is actually not calling at all now or calling less, he could be busy. Something may have come up that required all his attention. Maybe he is doing something for his parents or there was a death in the family so his focus is off. It could be just about anything that can disrupt the pattern he has had with contacting you. That does not mean he is avoiding you. If he is distracted by other family or work related issues right now, the fact that you don't know that, has your imagination trying to come up with a plausible reason for why he isn't calling or isn't calling as much if thats really happening. So you try to come up with what seems logical to you as a reason, and you of course would think of your differences. You could be right but theres a chance you could be wrong. Your sentence is a bit misleading and we could all be interpreting it wrong. While you say:
I think he has been avoiding calling me (That makes us think he has not called at all for some period of time) because when we talk (talking currently on phone calls or talking about calls in the past before he stopped calling if he did stop calling) on the phone most of time he does all the talking and he talks for a very long time.(Just because he talks that much does not mean he wants to be around someone just like him. If he grew up in a family who were all chatterboxes like him, he may find you to be refreshing. ) When you said " He has tried to make me more social but it never works", I sensed I had to say something. Nobody can make another person change their behavior. If a person wants to change, then that urge and want must come from within a person, not from someone trying to encourage and help them change. This may not be something that needs changing. You need to be happy with yourself. There are many quiet, non talkative people who are quite normal and will speak to a person at least when absolutely necessary. Now if you know you've been struggling with shyness or have social fears and wish it were otherwise and want to change, then you would need to ask us those questions. If you've asked him for help, then you can't blame him for trying, he's doing so cus he loves you.
If you haven't asked for help and are happy as you are and the actual issue is your feeling uncomfortable with him trying to "fix" you or "change" you, then that is the problem. He needs to respect you for who you are and you need to make that clearly known. I am just guessing on all of this dear. It's hard to really know what your situation is cus all we have to go on is trying to interpret the sentences you wrote and the actual wording you put in them.
Just because he tried to help you be more social doesnt mean he is not happy with you as you are. I dont know what he's been doing. Maybe there is a chance he misunderstood that you don't like being so quiet and private and all he was doing is trying to help. The two of you may need to have a good heart to heart talk next time he calls. Or you could try leaving him a message to call you. Good luck dear. If there's anything else I can help answer, let me know or if you have more to add to your explanation.
There's something else. He's Facebook has been deactivated for quite a while but he logs back in from time to time. We haven't talked for about 3 weeks on the phone and he sometimes text me good morning in the morning and when I reply, he doesn't text back. When I see that he's online on Facebook it hurts me so much that he has time for Facebook but not time to call or text me back.... What should I do? By the way, he's away on a soccer camp.
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Oh, well if he' s at soccer camp, his schedule must be packed with one activity after another. He probably sents the greeting then sets down his cell and goes off to the next activity. I highly doubt they are allowed to carry their phones on them all day if at camp. But then who knows what the current day camps allow. As for why he has closed his facebook account, I can't begin to guess. I have a child who closed theirs and it was my best way to keep in touch. Last I heard, my kid is trying to re-find themselves and stopping family contact to do so. So who knows why someone would do it. Lots of guys I know who have facebook accounts are rarely on them, even my husband doesn't use it as much as I use mine and sometimes will go long amounts not posting anything at all. Maybe he closed it cus he rarely uses it. And he only gets back on to keep tabs on what you are doing. Can't guarantee it but its possible.
At his age, he's still young enough to not have had much experience with relationships. In their mid to late thirties, men have said they wished they had never made the mistakes they did in relationships when they were teens and college age, cus each one could think of several girls they had ruined relationships with that they actually had feelings for and now its too late.
When camp is over, he should be back to a more normal schedule for being able to contact by phone. I'll tell you one thing that I've heard from my daughters cus I don't like texting, that almost all guy s don't reply immediately or at all to texts. If its a spoken convo over the phone or in person, no problem, you've got his attention. But in texting, even I get tired of waiting for a daughter to reply in text and I think they have forgotten me. Guys tend to be even worse. I think men just lose focus when there is nothing around for them to focus on. They are task related. See something that needs their attention and help, so they go for it and are not going to be found sitting by their cell waiting for a return text. If you want to hear from him, wait til after camp and give him a phone call. Make yourself a little note pad with the basic things you want to say or update him how you've been. You explain yourself well in writing to me. There is a lot you have to share, and you don't have to share alot with all people, but the most important one to have good communication with is ones romantic partner or marriage partner. No one can really read minds. We can try to read body language but that alone doesnt help. So see if having a notepad with the basics of what you want to cover in convo with him. It may help if you are comfortable. Not saying to do that every phone call with him, let him have the ones he does all the talking but when you feel you need to communicate some things important to you or just had questions you wanted to ask, then try little helps like that. Work at it slowly. Ask a question that starts the convo the 1st time, next time ask a couple questions. If he asks you and you can think of answers just say, my mind goes blank. Is it okay if I write my answers to you to share later? I am sure he will understand. Hope this helps.
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