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Am I right to feel upset at my friends??
I'm not sure what is the right thing to do. I'll be honest, I know a lot of people don't like my boyfriend. We're both 22. He's difficult, can be very blunt/honest, which seems mean, and he went through a period last couple months when he was depressed; you know how it is to be around people who are depressed. He hasn't exactly been the funnest to be around. He lost a lot of his friends and even my friends know that he wasn't doing well. A couple of times that he was at my friends house he sort of acted antisocial and sat in the corner. They told me this was annoying and created a poor atmosphere and that they miss hanging out with just me. I told them he was having a hard time, and they seemed to understand, told me to talk to him about it. There was also a conversation we had unrelated to him in which they told me that they didn't want me to invited random people to their house unless I asked.
Now about the event, these same friends who are two sisters and one other girl just graduated. Their family of the two sisters who are good friends of mine is in town and the day of their graduation they invited me to a party at their house after, the same day last minute. Since I asked who was going and they said them their family and boyfriends and our other friend I didn't think twice about not going with my boyfriend (since I had already made plans with him before they invited me and felt bad telling him to go home because I had other plans). I talked to him before and he promised he wouldn't act antisocial or badly. Well I live 30 minutes away and it was 10pm at night when they said to come over, I already was tired but I thought these are my good friends, I'll go for them. We started driving and as soon as we got there we were about to walk upstairs and they found out I was with him and told me that they never invited him and they thought I was clear not to bring people over without asking them.
This is true I should have asked, but I honestly thought they were talking about random people not my boyfriend who I do a lot of things with. I knew they felt like he was kind of creating a bad time but I didn't think they didn't want him around. I told them that. And then told them I could turn around if it was a big deal. And they responded "We didn't think we had to spell it out for you, we don't want him here because of what we talked about before and my family is here so you can come but not with him" so I had to turn around and drive back home 30 minutes lost a total of an hour and my feelings are really hurt. I would never do that to someone.
Am I wrong? Were they wrong? I'm not sure how to feel... Yes I understand it is their party and I should have asked, but I can't help but feel really upset that I drove there for them and they told me to leave. I know he's not the most fun person, but he is not an asshole, he is not disrespectful to other people. He is just quiet and doesn't talk that much because he is not that happy in his life. He doesn't want to be this way. He has made progress and he is afraid of ending up alone because people don't like him. He just has a hard time with relationships, but he is a good person. I feel like I am losing my friends because of this, it is really frustrating and I'm not sure how I should respond to what my friends did. Talk to them, don't talk to them, what is the best thing to say to them, should I let them know in upset and what is the best way to talk to them about it? I could really use an outsiders advice on what seems right....
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hello there,
You said, "There was also a conversation we had unrelated to him in which they told me that they didn't want me to invited random people to their house unless I asked." What you didn't realize is that what was actually happening is that the request they made was related to him totally...or they never would have made that request. They were stuck in a tough spot. There was no way to be tactful and not hurt your feelings. So instead of pulling you aside without him around and coming right out and saying,"Hey we really hate to have to say this cus we really like you and dont want to hurt you, but we really don't like having your boyfriend come over to our place, they choose to allude to it, just hinting at it. They could have said, "So if we invite you over we want you to ask us if it's okay to bring him over." "But if their answer would always be no, no matter what, they shouldn't be asking you to ask first, but be truthful and tell you not to bring him. I figure the reason they weren't truthful is they felt saying that would damage the friendship you all have.
No matter how they told you, I'll bet you would have been hurt and angry.
Now if you and these girls were all invited by a third party to an event and you asked and it was okay to bring a guest with you and you weren't given any restrictions as to who you could bring, then if these girlfriends were not comfortable would not be in a position to request he leave, because it's not their house, they would have to leave instead if it bothered them that much.
People should have a choice of whom they have enter their house. So it is bad manners to not ask if you can bring anyone else. A simple, "Does that invite include my boyfriend?" Would suffice. Even if you didn't have him for a boyfriend, if you were invited to anyones home and did not ask if you could bring a guest, that is impolite. Some people may not have any problem at all even with someone like him and would just let him sit unresponsive in a corner and not go out of their way to try to make him feel better when their attempts to be a good hostess and pay him some attention are not met with any response.
Basically what is happening when people feel uncomfortable with him being around, it s a natural human response. Another case of this happening is when you are out somewhere in public and some stranger you don't know keeps staring at you but never attempts to approach you, after a point in time, the person being stared at begins to feel uncomfortable if not creeped out because basically you don't know the person well or at all, and you find it difficult to read a person and their intentions because of how they are acting reclusive and anti social. It is natural to feel uncomfortable with someone who withdraws into their own little world and makes no attempt to interact.
Now I am not picking on you. No, its not entirely your fault. You've already figured out you should have asked if you could bring him, and I've told you why. Also you made an assumption, on their request without feeding back to them what they said. they are young and you at 22 are not much older. All of you have grown up in a time when common courtesy is no longer taught and young people have difficulty communicating well. And that is your friends main problem, not communicating well due to feeling uncomfortable with a pretty much no-win situation for them. They just figured you'd realize they were talking about the boyfriend when they said "random people" for lack of knowing what else to say. So they were misleading. Your boyfriend is not a random person. If you had been in the habit of showing up each time with another stranger they didn't know, then their request would make sense.
I have a daughter your age in a similar situation, a young man with PTSD and depression that makes most people uncomfortable being around him for various reasons but usually not that he is anti social. I have heard comments from others that they actually feel he is a really nice person deep inside but his problems he wont deal with, not seeking healing like Treatment for depression and Ptsd make it so that after so much time, people can't stand him being around, some can take only so many minutes, hours or continuous days of having him around even if they willingly invited him over knowing he's my daughters boyfriend. Like you, she acknowledges he has some issues to deal with. But she loves him and believes being in his life will help him. I can't say whether that is so or not.
Also some people aren't aware they have the psychic ability to pick up on and sense whatever is emotionally going on in others around them. When such a person doesnt realize they are like an emotional sponge just taking in whatever another person is burdened with inside, it can become quite overwhelming to be forced to be in the presence of someone like your boyfriend. That happens to be a problem for one relative I know with daughters boyfriend. They have graciously spent time with him at get togethers but afterwards told me how much it has affected them negatively in their spirit. Much of the responsibility here in this case is on the senser who soaks ups good and negative stuff from others to do things to protect and shield their-self or else they can not go anywhere in public without coming up against someone negative that makes them feel psychically ill. I highly doubt this is the case with your girlfriends but there is a chance one does pick up on something and that little bit of something she isn't cognitively aware of, is enough to make her uncomfortable enough to say he can't come to their house with you.
If you tell them how hurt you are, be prepared for a verbal battle and/or clearing out of feelings on their side too. My opinion is that neither you nor them were in the right, without fault. But don't feel bad, most of it is just due to being young and having inexperience dealing with such a thing.
the best way to bring up the subject is to simply apologize without expecting an apology in return which I'd say they also owe you for not being clear and dodging it. But demanding an apology if they just can't see they were also in the wrong will only drive a bigger wedge between you. You could say you understand how they feel. You also realize that they don't know him as you do. And you feel that right now, fragile as he may be, that it is better that you do not attend anywhere that you two can't go as a couple. It doesnt mean you care about them less, but they will be seeing less of you because of your commitment to him. You also fear losing them and cant see much choice how to be really close with them and hope they understand that you'll only be keeping in touch via the internet for the time being. If they are not okay with that, it may be time to rethink about them being friends.
If you choose to say nothing but ignore every
invite to come visit on your own, they are likely to believe you are mad at them. If out of 5 invites, you decide to attend just one and let the boyfriend know that you will meet with them at a much reduced occurance rate and still spend the majority of time with you. Perhaps that won't be as hard on him, just missing out on you going off without him so seldom. But you know him best, and whatever decision you make is yours to make. Do your best to learn something about relating to and with other humans from this. Do no blaming or pointing the finger even if someone is clearly in the wrong. I have a couple of relatives, real close ones who treated me terribly by assuming some falsehoods about me and not talking to me for close to a year. When an situation came up to call one of them, i did and was recieved with love and a cheerful attitude. However they did not approach me first, nor did they ever refer to the separation or ask for forgiveness or apologize. I had to either choose to be upset by that and let it eat at me, or take the relationship any way i could get it. What was more important, being able to point out their error or be happy they chose to be talking to me again and leave it at that. I chose the latter. If you take a moment to put your self in their shoes, think about how you would handle it if the roles were reversed. I do that often and it helps me to understand why a person does what they do sometimes, even if it wasn't the best way to handle it. But hey, I look at it this way, we are all learning in this lifetime. There's always going to be someone with less experience than us on how to handle something and always someone with more experience. If we can forgive those who have the 'less experience', who may really hurt us, then we'll be able to handle the 'bumps' in life that most assuredly will come our way in the best way possible.
Good luck dear.
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