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Who is right here? Don't know what to do
I'm not sure what is the right thing to do. I'll be honest, I know a lot of people don't like my boyfriend. We're both 22. He's difficult, can be very blunt/honest, which seems mean, and he went through a period last couple months when he was depressed; you know how it is to be around people who are depressed. He hasn't exactly been the funnest to be around. He lost a lot of his friends and even my friends know that he wasn't doing well. A couple of times that he was at my friends house he sort of acted antisocial and sat in the corner. They told me this was annoying and created a poor atmosphere and that they miss hanging out with just me. I told them he was having a hard time, and they seemed to understand, told me to talk to him about it. There was also a conversation we had unrelated to him in which they told me that they didn't want me to invited random people to their house unless I asked.
Now about the event, these same friends who are two sisters and one other girl just graduated. Their family of the two sisters who are good friends of mine is in town and the day of their graduation they invited me to a party at their house after, the same day last minute. Since I asked who was going and they said them their family and boyfriends and our other friend I didn't think twice about not going with my boyfriend (since I had already made plans with him before they invited me and felt bad telling him to go home because I had other plans). I talked to him before and he promised he wouldn't act antisocial or badly. Well I live 30 minutes away and it was 10pm at night when they said to come over, I already was tired but I thought these are my good friends, I'll go for them. We started driving and as soon as we got there we were about to walk upstairs and they found out I was with him and told me that they never invited him and they thought I was clear not to bring people over without asking them.
This is true I should have asked, but I honestly thought they were talking about random people not my boyfriend who I do a lot of things with. I knew they felt like he was kind of creating a bad time but I didn't think they didn't want him around. I told them that. And then told them I could turn around if it was a big deal. And they responded "We didn't think we had to spell it out for you, we don't want him here because of what we talked about before and my family is here so you can come but not with him" so I had to turn around and drive back home 30 minutes lost a total of an hour and my feelings are really hurt. I would never do that to someone.
Am I wrong? Were they wrong? I'm not sure how to feel... Yes I understand it is their party and I should have asked, but I can't help but feel really upset that I drove there for them and they told me to leave. I know he's not the most fun person, but he is not an asshole, he is not disrespectful to other people. He is just quiet and doesn't talk that much because he is not that happy in his life. He doesn't want to be this way. He has made progress and he is afraid of ending up alone because people don't like him. He just has a hard time with relationships, but he is a good person. I feel like I am losing my friends because of this, it is really frustrating and I'm not sure how I should respond to what my friends did. Talk to them, don't talk to them, what is the best thing to say to them, should I let them know in upset and what is the best way to tell them how I feel? I could really use an outsiders advice on what seems right....
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Yeah... this situation seems a bit like a douzy.
You don't want to trade your boyfriend for your friends,
OR
Your friends for your boyfriend.
It doesn't seem right or fair.
And you probably shouldn't have to either...
Although, your situation is indeed "specific"....
In comparison to people who get into NEW relationships and experience "similar" strains.... I think (as of right now) you're just going to have to consider what's best for you.
Personally, I'm unbiased to your friends claims and your feelings to stick with your boyfriend.
On both accounts, each side/perspective have good reasons... it probably sucks that time with your boyfriend and time with your friends may need to be separate though..
Your friends spoke with you, and told you what they don't want to tolerate.
As personally offended and as resentful as you "can" be about that, your friends "were" honest with you.
On the other side, you spoke with your boyfriend, and observes that he's in a rut. Things like that happen. And anyone whose (at least) worth their shirt, won't leave a person stranded in times of depression/stress...
BUT, I do think you should reflect on some things.... like:
(1) How long has he been in this "rut"? It's a good question because maybe he's showing external signs of "disconnection" and may be somehow falling into a "comfortable state" of being "anti-social"... If he was social before and is not anymore, you may want to review that, ESPECIALLY, if you met him during his "social" phase....
(2) Additionally??? Although, everyone is not made of money, Maybe you should try making the " social events" yourself(ves). For example, get the local newspaper and magazines and find out what are the events going on in your area (or driving zones) and schedule (you AND him) for ALL of them for about a month or so (for as long as you can keep them up financially and resourcefully I guess). Make sure that they're all community and social events (not like the movies; more like carnivals and circuses and sports arenas and stuff like that).
I suggest this because maybe you ought to try "re-connecting" him to the "Society-At-Large", BEFORE trying to "reconnect" him to a smaller group of people.
You've mentioned that he has lost ALOT of friends, so "trust", "willingness". and/or "vigor" to go and connect with small group(s) of people again. At least not so easily and/or so quickly. You may be rushing him and/or desiring your way from him (and/or your friends) against what's right... right now....
Moreover, These friends are YOUR friends, not his.
And he may simply NOT "like" them very much, but rather cause somewhat "another" issue between you and him, he hasn't told you as much.
Therefore, as the old adage goes, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all"...
This may explain why he'd distant and quiet, when y'all go out...
He may just be in that realm of thinking...
Don't choose anything permanent yet. As long as he is not "suicidal", you may just have to hang out with your man and your friends "separately", which in the "beginning", seems like, was all "they" were "ASKING".... from/of you in the first place...
Think about it and consider your options..
Hope this helps.
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