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check my sonnet again! thanks!
Thanks for you checking iambic pentameter of my sonnet. And I have encountered another problems about the sonnet. Since my teacher required that the whole sonnet must be iambic pentameter, maybe I have sacrifice the coherence or natural word flow of the poem...
It is because that I have put the sonnet in another forum and one person pointed the problem out. If you have patience, here is the link of my question in that forum.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Actually I feel so upset after his/her comments but your comments give me some confidence!:)Thanks again! So I want to know your opinion about the coherence of the peom? And any suggestion?..
Here is my sonnet according to your advice(the "heavy" and "jingle" one I didn't change for I want to come up with another idea maybe..)
A Summer Night
A summer night we come across again,
Is in the countrysidewith easy life.
And time has passed so fast but now is still.
And I remember shining eyes of you.
Sometime you had a dream of literature,
Of love, of traveling around the world.
But when we drink, talking trivial things,
The glasses click a sound of broken dreams.
Again I wander lonely in the street,
where children kick a can ahead of me:
A jingle song from whose tough top,
A heavy sigh from whose empty heart.
The street is full of hot and sticky air,
And I felt so cold in a summer night.
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They are right, there is some coherence issues (But on the other hand, have you ever read Emily Dickinson's Poetry?)
All you need to do is go through this line by line and ensure it is ten syllables long, but sound relatively natural to say.
"And I remember shining eyes of you" for example... isn't quite coherent.
Perhaps
"And I can remember your shining eyes" makes a little more sense. All it needs is YOU to go through it very carefully.
"And I felt so cold in a summer night" doesn't make full sense either.
"Yet I had felt so cold that summer night" may be a better option.
Once you have done this, read it as a whole. The sonnet should be poetic, but should also sound relatively natural. the poem should flow like someone speaking naturally. Your readers shouldn't have to work too hard to understand it.
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