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Love Life and Families... URGENT
Good evening. I am a 23 year old female. While I was in college, I was living at home due to some family and financial issues. I earned my degree in December and I am looking for a full-time job. But, before I start with the what is going now, it would only be fair to give you background of the problem. Since I was in high school, my mom has had a bad opinion of every guy I've ever dated. I thought it was just natural, like no one was good enough for her daughter type of thing. But, she made me break up with two guys I dated in high school. She just said that she wouldn't drive me to the dates (back then, we didn't drive) and I wasn't allowed to drive with them, etc.
As I got older, I realized her dangerous behaviors. None of these guys were "bad guys." They may not have been the most attractive, but none of them were bad. We live in a neighborhood of private schools nearby, so people usually go to the local private schools and they are very strict. No one did drugs, drank, etc. Everyone was pretty good. It was about control. It was about who she would want to date vs. who I would want to date. The problem has escalated to a terrible point and it is very serious. At 23, I have a boyfriend who I have been dating for over 2 years. We have talked seriously about marriage. She refuses to meet his family and hated him for no good reason. The nagging was constant. It was like she would never stop. She would stand over my bed talking about it at night and when I would wake up, she was there again talking about it. When I'd come home from having dinner with him, she would constantly be asking me when I was going to break up with him. At breakfast, all she talks about is how I'm going to break up with him. I think the part that annoys her the most is that this is the first boyfriend I had as an adult and she cannot control the relationship. But, the nagging started affecting me. It got to the point where I even thought about breaking up with him just to stop the nagging. But, then the following happened.
A couple of days ago, he made a sexual move on me that I did not like. It was not the first time he did this. This sexual behavior is very violent and it was not exactly something that I liked. It was a turn-off because it actually hurt and I spent so much time fighting it off, that I couldn't really enjoy anything. This has happened quite a few times where he has kind of forced himself. But, I am also at fault. Although I was telling him to stop during the action itself, I didn't mention it afterwards. I acted as if it never happened. I guess I was kind of scared to say something. But, looking back, I think if we would have talked about it seriously afterwards, he would have stopped.
I went on a trip with my mom last weekend, and she kept on nagging and nagging the whole 5 hour car ride there, so I just told her that I was going to break up with him because of this (above). You need to understand my mother's nagging. It is like interrogation tactics in a criminal investigation. It gets to a point where you just want to scream.
I hadn't seen him in one week because I was out of town and working late. And when I saw him today, my world just came together. I saw him, hugged him, and thought to myself that I could never live without him. He is the love of my life and everything I could ask for him a man. He's sweet, generous, loves me, and respects me more than anyone else in my house. Did I mention I had to sneak in secret to see him? Because of how scared I am of my mom. I'm 23 years old... I shouldn't have to sneak out to see my boyfriend, who I am likely marrying within the next two years. Being in his arms today reminded me that I didn't care if my mom wouldn't come to my wedding or if she never meets his parents. We have each other and that's all that matters to me.
Since this weekend, my mom is STILL NAGGING ME... BUT DIFFERENTLY. She keeps asking me if I'm sad, how I feel, and when we can "talk." She starts telling me how I need to make more friends, how I abandoned my old ones (which is not true. My best friend since 2nd grade never spoke to me again after she found out my mom lost her job and we couldn't afford things). She starts saying that I need to do this and that and finds other things to nag about. So, it pretty much confirmed my emotions. My mom is going to nag, regardless. I need to get out! All I need is to find a job by summer ( a full-time). But, in the meantime, I'm going to have to find a temporary place to live and I need a loan. Where can I get a loan? I'm not in school anymore... if you can please help me... please tell me what my options are. I am so overwhelmed. Please...
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Dragonflymagic is correct banks do not make loans or what would be classified as an unsecured personal loan for the reason you want one. Not at the present time anyway; there was a time some banks did though that was long before the last banking collapse.
I have a suggestion that might help you in moving out of your moms house. Instead of looking to rent a place all on your own there are alternatives. You can look to rent a room someplace close to where you work or you can look for a roommate to share an apartment with.
The following website is one of a number of its kind that you can use to locate a room or a roommate to share an apartment with.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Now for a little grandfatherly advice and since I am of that age I am going to offer it.
I did not like reading that whatever sexual activity you two were engaged in was violent and hurt you and that when you said stop he did not stop. This is wrong, very wrong and show a side of him that you need to stop, step back and really think about for he has done this more than once according to what you have written.
There is nothing wrong with any type of sex act between two consenting adults. The operative word here is CONSENTING. If either party is not consenting then it is not done. It matters not what that sex at is as long as you both consent what happens in the privacy of your home or bedroom is fine and is not weird. It becomes weird when it is forced on one of the partners by the other. Which seems to be the case here.
I'm very liberal on in my views on consensual sex. I don't really care what the act is as long as you tell me it was consensual between you. It may not be my cup of tea but that's fine if it is yours. If you want him to spank you, fine, if he wants you to spank him, him fine. If one of you wants to be ties up that's fine too just as long as you both consent. There is a whole list of sexual positions and acts that two people can do and enjoy together provided there is consent. If forced on one it is at least sexual assault if not rape.
Depending on what he act you are talking about was and the fact that he did not stop when you tried to force him off of then you were raped. How is it possible that someone who says he loves you would resort to raping you for his sexual pleasure?
I would like you to find a psychologist to speak with about what happened. Everything you tell the psychologist is confidential so he cannot get in trouble by you and the therapist discussing this issue as what you say stays in the room you say it in. Your EAP program at work can help you both find a psychologist and pay for the first few visits then your health insurance should take over.
I think it is important to do this for in your zeal to get away from your mother you are grabbing at the first lifeboat to come by. This life boat has some tendencies that could end up hurting you. Before they do you need to let someone help you take a better look at the lifeboat you have clung on too.
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Banks don't give loans for that reason. So...check with other relatives if you can stay long enough to find work and save up for a place of your own. Or if you have a church, talk to the pastor and see if anyone can take you in for a while. My oldest daughter wanted to feel like an adult and be away from us parents so bad that she asked the pastor at the church she went to and an older lady let her have a room, she found a job and saved up and got into an apt with 2 other friends. Thats how such a transition is made but usually takes someone willing to let you have a place to stay free while you save up all your money for a place and of course help clean up any messes you make in the home.
If no church, no relatives, think of people you know from school you could call and find out what their situation is, maybe they can give you a place to stay or their parents or parents of close friends who know you from growing up.
I suggest you also see a counselor because you are in an abusive relationship. And although you asked him to stop, he didn't. That is not love...to hurt someone you care about and it certainly is not respectful.
This guy is a douche bag. Your subconscious is attached to him through the sex, albight, bad sex. But doesnt your conscious mind register that he is taking advantage of you? It seems that you are emotionally stunted and never really grew up as well as you should have probably due to Mom's influence. You may have a warped perception of what a healthy relationship is, whether it be between you and parents, siblings, relatives, other students, co workers or boyfriend. Until you have a better more clear idea of what is healthy in human behavior towards another and what is dysfunctional, you'll be living through lots of other crap, even if mom and boyfriend didn't exist anymore. Your fear of your mom is partly lack of self confidence or healthy self image. You may also be a very needy person and come across as desperate. If I were a guy and was rough with you, you acted like nothing happened later and a week later run for joy into my arms to see me, I would think you had no self respect and as such I could get you to put up with anything I wanted, nice or not, hurtful, painful, abusive etc... and I could get away with it.
Yes, I definitely think some counseling is in order.
Not picking on you dear. I didn't have all the issues you have but I did marry a 'Christian' man who fooled the parents even and a year later began to be verbally abusive. Since the church frowned on divorce, I stuck with it 30 years until I woke up and decided I'd had enough. I had been strong in some areas but allowed the crap to continue by staying. Eventually I left because it was by 30 yrs affecting my physical health. The stress of unhealthy relationships, no matter how much you are part of the cause or not at all, it will either affect you mentally or physically...the stress has to go somewhere. In my case, I held on to a good self image due to close relationship with God but the stress went into my body physically. Migraines, almost daily headaches, stomach ulcers, the list goes on. I had a dream/vision that if I didnt leave, I would die of cancer or heart attack in a couple years. I left. This is why i am so passionate about you getting some help for yourself. If you cant see a Dr. then go to a large bookstore and just humble yourself and tell a clerk what your issues are that you want to find self help books for and buy a couple and read them all several times. Good luck dear
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