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I have absolutely no one. What's the point?
God, I'm so stupid. I don't even know how to navigate this site. After I got an answer, I don't know what to click on to post another quetion. I just forwarded a question by accident to tech support. God, I'm SO STUPID. I SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO LIVE. (this was my next question): I know other people have problems and there are many injustices going on in the world, but I've tried everything. I'm 3 mos. behind in rent. My daughter was paying my rent but she cut me off without any notice and I just can't make it anymore. I'm on disability but only get $700 a month. I can barely live on that let alone get caught up. I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia, ptsd and bipolar 2. I have absolutely nobody in my life. I'm 48 and have no friends, no family, nothing to live for. I tried to kill myself about a mo ago. My son called the police and a bunch showed up at my door. They took me to a Crisis Clinic but I was there about an hour and no doctor or anybody came to talk to me so I left. I called a suicide hotline number and was put on hold everytime I called. I feel like God is telling me it's time to go. I've been literally pulling my hair out. My bathroom floor is covered in hair. I'm getting older and uglier. Nobody will ever want me.
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You know, its easy to make simple mistakes..everyone does not just you. When you're feeling depressed like this, you just have to tell yourself the feeling is only temporary, don't dwell on things. If you're on meds, don't stop taking them immediately because it can cause serious mood swings and alter your thinking. Sometimes you just have to look out the window and say shit happens..you'll get through it. If you stay positive about your life and keep trying no matter what, everything will be okay.
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First off, I can only imagine the pain and suffering you are going through and truly feel for you. I'm also willing to bet other people feel the same way - like your son. Clearly he didn't want to see you commit suicide. And my guess as to why is that he loves you too much to see that happen.
So, let's look at that as a starting point, to help you realize that you do indeed have people out there who love you and care about you.
As far as navigating this site goes, I think you are being a bit too hard on yourself. Being that you are 48, I bet you probably didn’t grow up on technology like the kinds today. Heck, I'm only 34 and even I didn't really have any exposure to the Internet until I was out of high school.
Given the diagnosis you have, I guess that it is same to assume that you've seen your share of mental health professionals. However, doing so is probably hard for you considering the agoraphobia.
My suggestions would be to seek out groups or individuals who can help but don't necessarily require you to put yourself in an awkward or scary physical environment. For example, find some online support groups where you can meet people and gain some emotional support without ever having to do anything in person. Also, order the book, "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. I've recommended it several times for people who are depressed and have self-worth issues and will continue to do so because it works.
Did you know you can also have sessions with a therapist online? One good source is Liveperson.com.
Also, meditation can be a huge help. here's a good guide on getting started.[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Hang in there.
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In addition to the amazing advice given, I just want to say it's ok... You're not stupid. Everyone has really hard times and it's not easy. What you are going through is difficult, but it won't be forever. Take steps one at a time to do what you can. Don't let yourself ever think you're worthless. Your life is worth so much more than you believe it to be. You might think no one cares, but that's not true... Your life will get better, but it won't be without a fight. Try to do everything the previous advicenator gave you. Do your best! My grandma told me that after the night is the day and after the day is the night meaning that dark times befall us but they are followed by good times. It's up to you to get to those good times no matter what. All your efforts will pay off someday.
Good luck! You can do this. We believe in you...
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You mention being diagnosed with all those things but not that you are getting treatment for them. I am sure that $700 a month won't cover you paying out of pocket i for medication or seeing a doctor. I used to be a caregiver of mentally disabled adults. Through the state, there are agencies, not always easy to find, usually you need the help of a professional to get you hooked up with the right agencies, cus I was responsible for taking them to their mental health appointments, to Department of Social and Health services to get food stamps or signed up for other programs, they even had a once a week "Womens group" for people suffering from these types of issues to qualify attending. And it is hard for them because they all arrive acting afraid, anti social and over time warm up and make friends. As the caregiver, I was the one who put the most effort into making sure that they had the help of all agencies who could possibly help and that you qualify for.
You do realize you mentioned having no family but you also mention a daughter and a son in your story. So you do have family. However they are young and are not going to have any idea how to properly find help for you let alone a clue where to start.
YOur entire letter sounds like the talk of someone very depressed. When depressed a person is not going to be able to help themselves very well. But I don't see as that you have a choice but to pull yourself up by the boot straps and start making calls and checking into where you can get hooked up with a multitude of agencies to piece together to make a more comfortable life with a feeling of purpose to it. Unless you know an adult older than your children who'd be happy to volunteer to help you look into it, you'll have to do it. Call your DSHS. In your state it may not be combined but separate such as Dept of Social services and Dept. of Health services, there should also be a Housing authority for those on low income to get into a low rent place and there is usually a long waiting list so the sooner you get hooked up with them, the better. The power company would lesson my clients power bill if she went in person each month to ask for her bill to be lowered due to her low income and they did that. So check in with the power company.
There is mental health help available for people who need it. While it may not be the greatest, it is a once a month or twice a month or weekly appointment with a counselor and then once a month with the psychiatrist to see if your medications work or you need to try something else. I took someone once a week, thats how often they needed to see her. The worst problem here is not getting good help but not getting a consistant counselor you are familiar with. those finishing schooling and needing job experience go through these state mental health agencies like clockwork, changing every 3 to 6 months so you're always treated by someone new. But from what I saw on the meetings I was allowed in on, they were doing a great job. Once you are hooked in to the system and have an assigned social services counselor, that person will help to steer you towards social programs for other low income people with mental issues.
Its hard to attract friends when a person isn't confident and happy. Having a negative outlook and acting pessimistic is a downer and rubs off easily on others and can affect the moods of happier people, mostly why people tend to unknowingly avoid someone in your position. Negative energy will repel people. I understand you can't help it being like that right now but I can't imagine that you have tried everything.
Your statement of being so stupid you shouldnt be allowed to live means you are having issues with negative thoughts. You have a right to have them, isnt that so? But the thing about negative thoughts is that where you allow one to linger, another will come along and then more until your mind is so filled with so many negative thoughts that they connect to form stories and scenerio's in your mind that play over and over and the negativity of them brings down your level of feeling hope and depression sets in among other things. Psychologists have written books about this problem. I like how one called it Stinking Thinking. I have a friend who was a counselor in his Army days. He realized he suffered from depression but no one took him seriously because he was a counselor. His life went down hill until he ended up in the middle of the desert wanting to kill himself. Somehow his inner voice told him not to give up. He went home to find that his wife had got hold of a psychologist who would see him. He taught the same thing of capturing the one negative thought and replacing it immediately with a positive one. That type of counseling is what my friend says changed his life around.
And yet there he was, at the point of wanting to commit suicide when the solution was stumbled upon by his wife just that day. You don't know when that will happen for you. It wont if you sit at home and do nothing on your own behalf. Those agencies don't know you exist. You need to call, make appointments and make yourself and your situation known. We have to sometimes be willing to help ourselves before we can find help.
If you decide to start working on your negative thought pattern, its going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. I have done it too. I left an abusive marriage. I had to go through counseling myself, not in as severe as situation as yourself, but the truth is that most people tend to entertain lots of negative thoughts.
try to go even 10 minutes without a negative thought and you will see how hard it is. But next time the thought that you are so stupid comes along replace it with "I may have difficulty with thinking and figureing things out thats true but it does not mean I am stupid. Lots of people have undiagnosed learning disabilities they grew up with and different learning styles like visual learners versus auditory/hearing and tactile learners who learn by touch and by doing."
You may have made it to 48 without anyone figuring out you had a learning disorder. So dont be so hard on yourself.
Good luck with finding the right agencies to help.
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