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Falling out of love?
my boyfriend whi broke up with me for about 3 months. Then we got back together in january and for 3 months we were fine. Almost everytime we got to see each other in person, we always did something sexual together not reaching the point to sex though. We had teo times where we hung out and actually talked and had fun just talking. I made him laugh multiple times and he did the same towards me. But last tuesday he broke up with me. Ir started with a fight on sunday about how i was so depressed and hurt from the rejection to my favorte colleges and he did not comfort me through it. Then i ifnored him for two days when he told me that i should get over it aince im the one making myself feel this pain. Then on tuesday he told me that he couldnt handle it anymore. That we havent been working out if i havent noticed and that he feels like hes falling out if love with me everyday but he still convinces himself that he still is in love with me. He talked to his friends baout the things we do and his friends told him that we wouldnt work out since the reason he got back with me wasnt strong enough. Then he told me that he feels like hes with me for my happiness not his. I believe that he made this decision under his friends influences and that he shoul have talked to be about this problem of not bonding. I talked to him on te phone however and when i ask him aboit if he had fun the two times we actually hung out he never answers and when i ask him for his reason to get back with me he says that it was because he thought we could work out. And recently yesterday i messaged him if we could talk things out a bit in person so i can see his true emotions. Then he said that hes a pushover when he sees desperate people in front of him. And then he told me "How about no. You already have begun to "clear off all the bs on the walls" so i'm beginning to clear off the bs in my life. Leave me alone with that shit. Theres no chance anymore so get over it. " and his quotes are from a snapchat that i added onto my story so i know that he is still looking at my things because i didnt send that snapchat to him specificallly. Well i dont know what I should ddo. Please help tell me ahat i should di and confirm my theories also.
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There are pieces that are missing in information, like how long you guys were together before the breakup in Oct-Dec that you mention first.
I understand you started seeing him again in January and its not quite the end of March. So depending on actually how many weeks, how often did you see each other in those weeks. I only know of the two times you say you hung out to talk and laugh/no sex presumeably or perhaps both when all the rest were times for sexual stuff. Just trying to see a pattern here.
The times are important. For example: If you were able to be together for lets say over a year before the first time you broke up, it shows that there is something to keep you together for a length of time and that something changed in you, him or in both of you in other areas of your life that are affecting your relationship. Stress can affect a relationship.
You sound like you are doing your best to ask him to talk and explain. And he won't. That is never good in a relationship. Conversing truthfully and openly is important. With out it, the relationship has lots of problems or ceases to exist.
I also do not know if his behavior has always been to never really have deep conversations with you in all this time. If a guy is crazy about a girl in ways other than romantically and sexually, he is going to want to know all he can about her, so taking the time only twice in a relationship where you have been actively together 4 months total, 5, 8, 12???? is a sign that something is wrong. He does not have that deep an attraction to you if this is the case. See I am guessing here on all aspects so this can and will be very long. If you guys do talk regularly, you didn't say. Even if short, what is the topic of conversation? Obviously you talked more often than twice in depth, if he heard from you of rejections from colleges. What did you talk about? What it really only college rejections? If you never took time to ask about what he likes and get to know him better, and he never took time to ask you, your interest level in each other truly wasnt there because you each had deep feelings for the other person in areas only related to physical attraction, not inner attraction. I would have to say that laughing and talking on two occasions does not indicate that there is enough in common to support a full fledged "Best Friends" relationship with 'sexual attraction' as the icing on the cake. I have many times met guys that all went well for a couple conversations, but once we were done with those, though we were attracted sexually, as we spent more time with each other, the level of interest and feeling of things in common dropped off. I have experienced New Relationship Energy with every new guy I came across. It that exciting feeling of cant wait to see them, you feel all jittery in your heart and nerves and notice every little gesture, every look, every word seems so special when directed at you. You feel so special that a male is attracted to you and wants you that it makes your head feel like its in the cloud and your heart feel light. But these feelings will fade and disappear in time and if there is nothing else to support the feelings of wanting to be in the relationship, then it collapses. This may be what is happening to you. I will admit that NRE always 'Feels' like the right thing...but it is not.
So can I describe what the right thing is? Hmmm well you must have a couple of close or at least one girlfriend with whom you can share anything right? let me describe it in case you're not sure: A best friend is someone who is the best companionship no matter what you are doing. If both of you are just running a chore like shopping for Mothers day gifts together, the whole experience is more fun just because they are there. In comparison, shopping is not as fun when others go with you. (Insert the situation you need to get the picture) This friend has seen you on your best days, and seen you on your worst days, when you were really mad/angry, sad and hurting and none of it scared your friend away. They wanted to be there for you on the not so good days and cheer you up, support your dreams, encourage you when the chips are down so to speak.(like college rejections)
All girlfriends that were real close treated me that way. If you have never had even a girlfriend that close, then that could be your problem, you have nothing to compare to then when it comes to a relationship with a guy. With a guy, the right guy anyways, there are 2 things important to make it work, the closest best friend ever, and the sexual attraction. The cake is the best friend, the sex is the frosting on the cake. A pile of frosting on your plate with no cake is nothing but tons of sugar which tastes so sweet and wonderful but before long, it will make you hurt in the tummy region if all you are getting is pure sugar. Many relationships are like this, based mostly on the sexual attraction but there is no cake of deep friendship to support that frosting.
Next we have people who have cake but no frosting. The sweetness present in the cake mix is enough for their tongue to detect it, however without the frosting, the cake kinda dry. And so is the relationship, it is dry lacking that frosting that changes it from best friends to lovers who are best friends. They assume the little sweetness they detect in the cake minus frosting is the equivalent of frosting or sexual attraction but it is not. These people merely become roommate with no sex life. Some see the frosting on other cakes and want it and have affairs going after the frosting elsewhere.
Lastly we have cake with frosting....the perfect blend for a healthy long term, long lasting relationship. The relationship is SOOOO wonderful, that you marvel at how is it you're so lucky that you get to have cake, every day for the rest of your life. This translates to two best friends who are also lovers who say to each other, how did I get so lucky to end up with you?
Which one do you think you have with this guy?
I really can't say if you are doing anything wrong to add to the problem of a best friend relationship not forming. Most times it isn't anything we are doing wrong, we simply are wrong for that particular person, and will be perfectly right for someone else.How does this translate to you? I can't say why he still looks at things related to you. Just because he does, doesnt mean he is willing to invest himself into the relationship. Thats like going past the bakery display window, looking at that delicious beautiful cake, but for some reason only internal, you talk yourself out of getting it, you never invest the purchase price to actually buy it. Could be what he is doing. He may realize he isn't willing to spend what it takes to get the whole cake. Using your temporary so called "depression' of rejection letters is a smoke screen, to lead you to take the focus off him onto your self. If you really have a problem with depression, it would have been there all along for probably quite a few years by now and you'd know it. If, just IF you can admit to having the extremes in feelings, instead of more calm and stable, you can always go see a Doctor and get your hormone levels checked, at 17- 18, you are not totally in the clear for not being affected by too high or too low natural hormones levels which will cause erratic emotional behavior in girls, sometimes even guys, and is Way more common than you would think.
Your theories you hint at are not obvious to me so i have spelled out what a healthy relationship should be so you can compare to yours and make that decision for yourself. Either way, if he is unwilling to interact with you whether for a frosting only relationship or a cake with frosting relationship, there is nothing we can ever do to force a person to 'eat cake', meaning to want the relationship, no matter what kind of relationship.
Good luck dear with finding a college. If it doesnt happen, you could work part time and take some of the pre lim courses needed through the local community college while contemplating your future and see if you decide on a different career path which may involve a specialized school, like becoming an LMP, massage therapist, or cutting hair, beauty school, etc....
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I am gonna be complete honest here and you might not like what I have to say but... I think you should try to get over him. He's made it clear there's no chance anymore, so why waste time and energy on someone that doesn't want you? I know it hurts right now, but that won't last forever. I've been there before, felt desperate and hopeless and fought to get someone back for literally years and you know what? It was such a waste of time. When I finally gave up, the most amazing guy came along and now I've never been happier. There is someone out there who will care about you so much more than your ex, treat you so much better, and it'll make sense why it never worked out with anyone else.
Let him go. Give yourself some time to be sad and angry and whatnot, then get to work on making him a distant memory. Delete his number, block him on Facebook, get rid of any possible method of communication. Distract yourself with friends and hobbies and it will get better a little bit at a time until one day you're totally fine :)
-Krista, 23/f
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