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My boyfreind doesnt respect my wishes
Hi, I have been in a live-in relationship for 4 years. (Both in our 40's) We live in Canada. My boyfriend who likes to drink every night (5 or 6 beers) maybe more on the weekends. My concern is not the drinking right now. Its my job. He likes to invite certain people who also like to drink over to our house in the middle of the week. They come over around 8pm and drink until around 12. I do have a few drinks as well but had noticed lately that it has been affecting my work. I call in sick the next day or I'm exhausted at work and cant function fully. I'm gaining weight and I feel awful. I tried talking to my boyfriend on numerous occasions asking him to hold off during the week and how this affects me. He says he understands and agrees with me then when the next week comes, they call and he answers the phone and lets them come over again. I'm not a big drinker, even on the weekends when I'm off I may just have 1 glass of wine or nothing. I cant keep up with this anymore. My job is important to me and I have people that rely on me at work to do a good job. The only peace I do get is when my job requires me to travel which is once a month for a few days. Where I can get good sleep and rest. I am losing sleep over this, tossing and turning at night worrying. I have turned off the phone on week nights sometimes just so he doesn't answer it. But I hate doing that in case people are trying to get a hold of us in case of emergencies. Do you have any advice? I have no one here to talk to. We live in a remote area in the north. Really small community where everyone talks. I appreciate any advice. Thank you to all.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Why always the buddys coming to your place to drink? Why can't he go join them at their place for drinks? If his buddies are single, there's no reason why the group can't go hang at the place of one of the single guys. If these buddies have wives or girlfriends, I'll bet the lady put their foot down and said that she won't put up with it and they know not to even try.
You on the other hand have been way too accommodating. Drinking on the weekend is one thing but it wouldn't have been unreasonable to say to the guys that there will be no drinking during the work week.
If he has agreed with you and doesnt want to be the "bad guy" with his friends next time they call, tell him to hand you the phone and you will tell his friends. This may be the reason he caves in and agrees to them coming over. If he hangs up before you get a chance to say anything, tell him to call them back and put you on the line.
If your boyfriend is unwilling to do this for your sake and the sake of your job, then his love for you is "conditional", he'll do the right thing and loving thing for you as long as he agrees with it and it doesnt crimp his style. Thats not real love...which is by the way, unconditional.
Turning off the phone isn't the best way to deal with the situation. The best way is to face it head on by doing as I said above. An unplugged phone means that you have found a way to avoid looking like the bad guy, or maybe an avoidance to developing a back bone and making your stand. I don't know you...thats just a guess. Not trying to pick on you...just talk reality. I used to not stand up to the husband in the beginning of an abusive marriage. I know that wimping out is a great possibility here.
Beers are known for making a person gain weight, especially as often as and how much are consumed by all of you. So that explains the weight gain.
Another thing, you can lie to us here at advicenators and we won't know the difference, we might suspect something but cant truly prove it,
however, do not lie to yourself. You do know whether you drink too much and exactly how much and how often. I just wonder when you write something like " I do have a few drinks as well but" and the opposite view of "when I'm off I may just have 1 glass of wine or nothing. 1 or zero is not equal to "a few" which implies 2,3 or 4 or more. Something does not add up here.
I know that you aren't ready for me to bring up the drinking because you said, its not of concern to you. I think it should be.
Your story is one of "Cause and Effect". You are focused on the effect such as how you are effected in job performance. There are two important elements of comprehension: what happens in your story and why it happens. You can not solve or find a solution for whats happening with work until you focus on dealing with what is causing it.
Since you wrote in, even though not asking me to address it, I can't in good conscience not mention the following. I am re-printing it here and then providing the link in which I found it.
"Alcoholism is a primary illness or disorder characterised by some loss of control over drinking, with habituation or addiction to the drug alcohol, causing interference in any major life function, e.g. health, family, job, spiritual, friends,legal.
Notice there that it doesn't say anything about how much you drink. So having a drinking problem isn't defined by quantity - but rather loss of control, which ultimately causes problems in other areas of your life, i.e. health, work, relationships etc."
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I wish you the best dear.
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It's clear that your boyfriend's actions are really affecting you.
Is sobriety an option? It sounds like the drinking has been prioritized over you, which to me signals a problem. It may be worth meeting with an Alcoholics Anonymous group or a therapist to see if maybe he can put the drinks down.
That's part of the issue. The other part is that he isn't respecting your wishes. It's up to you to figure out how heavily this weighs in on your relationship. To me, something like that would eventually become an ultimatum and potential deal breaker. Obviously, you deserve to have your basic needs met, and a good night's sleep is one of them. I'd argue that a supportive and healthy partner is another basic need (especially if you already have a partner).
Another alternative would be suggesting that the men take the party elsewhere. Is there a friend's house he can go to so that he can still drink and you can sleep? Or maybe you have an insulated garage or back house? That way, you can remove yourself from the situation.
Best of luck!
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I think you have to be a bit firmer with your other half and explain the severity of the situation such as what he plans to do if you lose your job and you start to struggle with the bills? Not to mention the emotional problems losing a job can have on a person and is he willing to help you with that? Of course you deserve to have fun and have friends round but not at the expense of your job.
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