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I think I don't wanna be friends anymore....
I met this person at my college. At first, we were distance, but then we became friends. I was happy because I had a best friend during my first semester of college. However, these happy feelings were short lived. I realized being friends with this person is not easy or fun. It's not my friend's fault that I have these feelings. I know that if this friendship fails, it would be my fault. In the past and probably even now,I am antisocial, insecure, awkward, strange, and the list goes on..As such it surprised me when this person wanted to be my friend. This person is the whole package: nice and charismatic. I don't wanna be friends with these person anymore because every time I'm in the same room with this person, I feel so much pain and anger in my heart. I don't know why I hate this person so much, I do. I tried ending the friendship, but every time I want to, I am unable to. Whenever I imagine my life without this person, I feel even more pain, but a different kind of pain. I feel sorrow and grief. I know that if I end this friendship, I would be in pain. But I don't want to stay in a relationship that may lead to more pain for the both of us.If I stay I'm in pain, if I leave I'm in pain. I don't know what to do.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
As you said, you'd be in pain no matter what you do. Therefore unless you get some professional help to deal with why you feel so much pain and anger in your heart, anti social, insecurities, etc...then it doesn't matter who you come into contact with in life, life will be upsetting to you.Unless you become a hermit and go live on a mountain far away from civilization, you are going to have to interact with people. You may think you can handle people without any difficulty if they were not a friend, but that is not how it works with any of us. If the clerk at the supermarket has a migraine, she might be short and snippy in her speech due to pain but because of your internal problems, you see it as a slight against you. Or you can come up with dozens of times you have to speak to a stranger you dont know on the phone in a customer service call center. I am a pretty easy going person but the idiots I often have to deal with in calls to so called help centers can rattle my calm that day, with you, it could upset you for the next week.
I am no psychologist but I am guessing a couple possibilities, life at home growing up wasn't caring and supportive or the family were disfunctional and not able to be good learning examples for you
or
You deep down have feelings that you may or may not have acknowledged of not liking yourself or loving yourself and actually despise or hate yourself instead.
It's a known fact and its also in the bible, if you can't love yourself first, then you'll be unable to love others, let alone tolerate them.
And then you could be one of a small percentage of people who prefer to be more alone, less people around, not very social, not shy, just prefering solitude. But that doesnt explain the strong feelings of pain and anger because this personality though a small percent of the population are happy and content to live this way.
There may be something you are not sharing that might shed some more light. I have a list of instructions of how to overcome social anxiety/shyness if thats what you are suffering.
I know of a technique called EFT (emotional freedom technique with tapping accupressure points/ meridians that help you to process through whatever you are dealing with in your subconscious mind and emotions. If you want to try it, let me know and I will send the links.
Otherwise, I would suggest counseling for you. good luck dear.
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