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Ftm transman, gay relationship problems
Alright I will try to make this brief and to the point. I am a transgender man, meaning I was born with a female defined body but my mentality or anything else is male. I identify as a male. I am not yet on hormones but will start soon, I plan on having top surgery and I am currently saving up for it.
Now then, for over the spread of 5 years I have been very close to a cis-male. He was born male and identifies as male. When we first met I was presenting as female. We became close as friends he wanted a relationship I did not.
For the reason that he was straight, slightly homophobic and transphobic. He didn't know anything about transexual people or much about differences in sexual orientation and gender expression or identity. Time passed within a year of knowing him I started telling him how I felt. He saw it as being a tomboy.
Some more time passes by we stop talking once I start talking about how sad I am how depressed and inadequate I feel, how alienated I feel from my body. I go on to tell him I'm seeking psychological help and will do all I can to feel good and accept myself as female so I can be happy with him. It doesn't work we stop talking for 7months.
We begin talking again, by this time around I've come out to family friends, negative familial reactions positive friend reactions. He asks how I'm doing we catch up, I tell him I'm going through with transition and tell him my preferred name. Some detest from his part, I continue to not talk to him. A few more months pass by we start talking, he says he misses me. Needs to talk is unhappy without me. I have mixed feelings.
We start talking again he apologizes, asks me questions. I inform him about how I've felt for a long time and how psychology has helped and all that; he starts to use my preferred/right name and proper pronouns. A month in fallout, tells me he sometimes wants to call me by "my name" (birth given name.) I Withdraw once more. Am deeply hurt and frustrated why I can't shake him off.
Reconcile, 3 years in very close again. Have changed a lot physically just by working out and diet. He compliments me, I don't look female except for wide hips and round rear. He starts talking about how attractive other men are. I'm both intrigued, jealous and suspicious. He begins to flirt heavily I ignore and keep my distance. Abruptly stop talking to him because my old feelings come back. I'm insecure, scared and anxious and confused. Cut off all communication for about 5 months.
4 and a half years mark, I'm depressed decide to write letters every day. Terrible love letters, embarrassing cringe worthy mushy and full of sadness and logging; sending them to old messenger he hadn't used in 3 years. 3 months worth of that. I meet a new person we connect, she helps me make sense of my feelings (aside from my therapist.) I feel ready to let go and move on. I send one more letter. Long. Detailed. Embarrassing.
Next day, I wake to an explosion of replies. Just my luck, he logged in that very night for no apparent reason, read them all. Feelings are mutual he says and is eager to talk. He's very positive, sweet, comforting and gentle. All of that leaves me feeling nauseated and anxious, feeling of cynicism washes over me. (through all this time, my mother father and siblings all hurt me when they didn't accept my coming out and I've been damaged emotionally and psychologically. I'm getting help but it's hard to confront and let go of the pain.)
He's pushy about getting into a relationship, I really don't want to. Insecure about everything. I ask him how this happens if he's straight. He says he no longer identifies as being straight, is deeply in love with me and blahblah. I'm unsure and scared. Somehow I give in, things get sexual fast I feel insecure and used. I'm withdrawing, he eases up tries to reassure me, help me.
5 Year mark now, been together in this roller coaster ride for 8 months. He likes men, likes penis, reassures my body is perfect the way it is. He loves me the way I am, I feel lesser as a man next to him. I'm easily jealous and insecure when he talks about other cis-men. I want to throw everything away and just be alone for the rest of my life. He talks about marriage and adoption. I tell him I have many problems and he should find someone better, to be happy with a more attractive cis-man. (I have major bottom dysphoria. I don't know if I'll be getting bottom surgery ever, if I ever have the money however I have mixed feelings about it because I won't be able to ejaculate.)
I've spoken to him about how I feel, my insecurities he has both reassured me he loves me and that it doesn't matter if I have male genitalia or not and toys are alright. Tells me it's not all about sex. I understand, I still feel sick and rejected. I have no reason to, I know. I don't know what to do. I should be starting hormones soon, he tells me he's excited and I'll be even more handsome. I feel fine most of the time, except when things get sexual or when he compliments another man. I've told him to leave me many times and to go find a cis-male. (He has an asian fetish, I'm not asian ads to my insecurity.) I tell him he'd be happier with someone from that ethnicity and who has functioning real parts. He gets upset with me, sometimes emotionally distraught and cries, I always apologize and we make up.
Today he tells me he had a dream about sexual things with cis-men parts. I start to have a mental breakdown, I feel like I'll never feel complete as a man. I have yet to talk to this with my therapist since I only see her once a week and most of the time I get onto the topic of family and all that mess. I'm only asking here because I feel very upset and rejected and lost and ashamed and inadequate. He apologized after he realized what he said upset me, I just left and haven't spoken to him. What do I do. Any advice at all will help. We are in our early 20's.
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You wrote asking further questions where people place comments on the first answer. Advice givers can't answer from there. I can only answer there in an edit within 24 hours so you lucked out I saw this in time. Go to my column dragonflymagic and write to me straight from there, then I can answer as often as you need on any other questions you have.
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