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no longer in love? falling for another man?
I'm 15, female and in highschool.
I've been dating my current boyfriend for a little over 2 months. Before we dated we were best friends. We know everything about each other. I've known him since second grade and started to fall for him in 6th. I finally told him I had feelings for him about a month before we started dating.
Anyways, I was head over heels in love. We're perfect for each other and we understand one another. But recently, everthing he does is getting on my nerves! What I would find cute are now just annoying.
I've been thinking of breaking up because I no longer love him.
I wanted him for 4 plus years and I want to break it off! He's so sweet and nice to me but now he seems like a pest. I avoid him and we havent kissed since Christmas.
I'm scared that another factor is that I have a crush on a boy in my french class and a huge crush on one of my teachers! My feelings are all over the place and I shouldn't be making important desisions right now.
I fell in love with my old chorus teacher in middle school and I promised I wouldn't fall for this one. They are both in there early 20s and seeing my old teacher still gives me butterflies. Although I like my past teacher more, I've gotten really close to this one too.
I need your advice! What should I do? I don't want to hurt my boys feelings because I know I'll never have a chance with either of these older men. Oh boy. This one's a doozy.
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Feelings sometimes suck, especially when you're 15 and hormones are crazy. That would probably explain your crushes on your teachers. As long as you don't act on those feelings, you'll be ok.
But you obviously should not be with your boyfriend. I mean, like you said, you no longer love him. By staying with him, you're not giving him the chance to find someone who actually cares about him. The sooner you do it, the better. He's going to find someone who loves all the things you find annoying. Your going to find someone who you love everything about, and you'll be able to tolerate the annoying things.
Give yourself some time off from your boyfriend and possibly just from guys right now until you figure out your feelings.
I know you don't want to hurt your boyfriend but staying with him will just hurt him more in the long run.
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You answered yourself with this line:
"My feelings are all over the place and I shouldn't be making important desisions right now."
I agree. Would it help knowing why you might be 'all over the place', I don't know. But I can share a couple things that might be contributing to how you are feeling.
At 15, your body is still changing, you are going through puberty so those extra hormones are affecting your emotions. Girls are just more emotional during these years, and often lose control of their emotions, usually being extremely sad and weepy or extremely angry and easily irritated, and almost 100% of the time, no one has done anything to irritate you, you just 'FEEL" irritated. Usually hormonal teen gals will find they are all of a suddenly irritated with and fighting and yelling at mom, sis or a girlfriend but I suppose it can happen that a boyfriend end up being the one you focus your out of control emotions on.
Another thing that can affect what you are feeling is your brain. Psychologists and medical doctors have explained it as follows:
"The pre-frontal cortex, is a section of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments and controls impulses and emotions. This section of the brain also helps people understand one another. The prefrontal cortex section of the brain in teens is still immature as compared to adults; and it doesn't fully develop until your mid-20s."
With just the combo of those two things possibly affecting you, that's enough for you to find your feelings all over the place. If either of these two situations or both are affecting you, then it would be best if you did not make any major decisions for the next year or so.
The 'getting on your nerves' stuff may be just normal boy/girl differences that you simply need to learn is the way all guys are, how they think and what matters to them, etc. If this is the cause of your irritation, you will find that eventually past the new relationship spark with each guy you date wears off, you will discover the same things irritate you about them too.
I am betting your boyfriend did not change his characteristics and all of a sudden change his personality and become an annoying, irritating pest.
Yeah, teen guys can have that immature pre-frontal cortex thing going on too...but they don't have the added hormones that you have affecting their thinking. Their thinking will be more logic based than emotional based as girls have.
So you started to avoid him when you just couldn't handle him emotionally. LEts say its the other way around. You have a guy you're crazy about and one day he just can't stand being around you anymore. How would you like him to treat you? What would you expect him to do as he handles this situation?
Would it be okay if he just suddenly began avoiding you and never tried to talk and explain why? Or would you consider that to be okay? If he wasn't sure how to explain to you without hurting your feelings, would you rather hear it anyways, even if its not good news or go on wondering the rest of your life if it's something you said or did that made him not care about you anymore.
I am betting that you wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot. Teens don't have the best communication skills yet, it is a process we will learn over our lifetime. The better our communicating, the better our relationships.
So even if you think you are not interested anymore, at least you owe him something of an explanation. And who knows, your emotions could flop back the other way and in a few months you find yourself missing him badly and discovering your feelings for him coming back with a vengeance.
I would at least try to say: I find myself with my emotions all over the place, something that happens to girls in their teens, they can be out of control in their emotions which I think might be affecting me negatively as far as getting irritated very easily. Usually its close females that irritate like mom, girlfriends and sisters, and since you and I have been close since 2nd grade, it seems that you are the one that I am finding to be irritating all of a sudden to me. And that annoyance (and anger--if there is any) is masking or killing my feelings for you right now. I want you to know, it's nothing you did wrong. It's me. I need some understanding and support. I don't want to hurt you but with the way my hormones are messing me up, I just can't be all lovey dovey as I was before. Then at the same time I find myself fantasize about having other boyfriends, and I feel so confused. Please don't be mad at me. I still want to be friends and see where I am at in a couple years as I get through the hormonal stages of puberty."
Of course you have to be willing to be open and real with him to do this. If you believe that you are not going through just the normal changes all girls do, but your emotions are more out of control than most girls, and affecting a great lot of your life, you will need to tell mom and have her take you for a visit to the doctor. In a good many cases these days, girls are getting prescribed medication just for the rest of the time of puberty, so a year or two more for you and then you;d be taken back off it. I've read reports on line of moms who said it made a big difference in their daughter who was back to her normal happy self. Some girls just get hit with an abnormal amount of hormones and are out of balance and doctors can fix that. Don't let the possibility of out of balance hormones mess up your teen life and friendships.
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