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Getting back together
19/f
Me and my boyfriend broke up in January. He told me that it's because our relationship was unhealthy.
It's something that can be fixed though and I really want to.
I've been feeling awful about it and trying to get over it by hanging out with friends, trying new things and even talking to other guys. I've been on a few dates but I just would rather be with him.
We were together for over 2 years. So I know we're young but I really thought he was the one.
So pretty much my question is, how do I get him back? Trying logic and reason hasn't worked, I need to try to appeal to his emotional side and I have no idea how to do that. I don't know too much about male psychology. But you seem to have a lot of knowledge about relationships and I'm hoping you have some last minute hope for me. I know there's not exactly a way to make someone want you, but I want to try everything before I completely give up.
We do hang out every once in awhile. I'll initiate it. We just sit and talk for a couple hours and he acts how he used to with me right before we started dating. On Saturday we're hanging out too.
If you can tell me what to do and what not to do, I'd be extremely grateful.
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I like what you said right here: "I know there's not exactly a way to make someone want you, but I want to try everything before I completely give up."
Thats a good attitude to have and shows you have intelligence. The rest is just inexperience.
If I were a fly on the wall and could observe the both of you together to see and hear what you are doing, I might have a better idea of what the potential problems are. But you gave me no examples to go on, nothing other than that he said hes breaking up with you after 2 years because the relationship is unhealthy.
If he truly was able to call it right and really knew it was unhealthy, then he is an exception, most guys his age, I assume 19 or 20, would have no more clue than you do. He may have had a good example in his parents and watched them closely and learned from them, but most young people don't think to start studying relationship and dating advice books at your age, I know I sure didn't, and neither did any of my friends. We all learned the hard way from making mistakes.
So I am curious as to what he said was exactly the problem? I am wondering if he ever brought up these issues before during the two years cus if he didn't notice them in the first 6 months, he surely would have by time one year passed. So this leaves me wondering what the two of you have discussed of the issues he says are the reason to end the relationship.
Hopefully his break up speech wasnt the first time he ever mentioned there were problems that make the relationship unhealthy. Normally the issues are brought up lovingly and worked on by both members of the relationship. If he had done this with you all along in the relationship, then you would be clear on what you needed to work on and he would be clear on what he needed to work on or if he had unreal expectations of the female sex. And you would have been able to tell me. I am betting you have no idea.
I would like to also point out that it is of importance to use words not just to tackle problems, but use words to build each other up and compliment each other. Did he ever do that for you, as a habit, on a regular basis. Building you up would be like if he saw you designing your own get well card for a friend he would take the opportunity to say, "You are such a caring, thoughtful person, she's lucky to have you for a friend. I think you have some great talent with the computer/with designing graphics, very artistic. " He could go on to say, "Have you ever considered possibly doing something like this to earn money, as your own business?" Thats what building up is, compliments and supporting your actions. Did you ever say things to him about what you appreciate about him? Guys need to feel needed and know how much they are appreciated.
I do wonder if he has been wanting out for a while and could not come up with a good excuse or the nerves to say anything until now...is that a possibility, him coming up with this as an excuse?
I would say you are not ready for dating others until you know what went wrong here. So either both of you work on it and alls good, or you discover what went wrong and if he's done with the relationship, then take into consideration what he said, see if it has any merit or value to you.
I will share a quote I came across that makes things very clear as far as why some relationships work and some don't.
"Happily ever after, doesn't happen just because we wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to 'make it so'".
That is sooo true. I put in 30 yrs with the guy I married at age 20. I was putting in 100% effort and he was putting in maybe 10%, almost nothing.
I learned the hard way that even if one partner was putting in effort, it took the other putting in no less than equal effort or there would be problems. It takes two to tango is another saying but doesnt get the message across as well.
You said you hang out once in a while but you initiate...is this since the break up or during the relationship?
If during, then he had already lost his interest in you some time ago if he wasn't initiating. If this is after breakup, I can't guess why he is willing to meet with you because not initiating any hanging out clearly means he is not interested. Either he doesn't want to put in the effort needed to fix the relationship (remember the quote?) cus relationships are hard work, or he feels bad for you even if he doesnt want a relationship with you and maybe this is his way of helping you cope with the break up by being available to meet if you call. I could be wrong. But he has to be willing to talk and discuss what the issues are/were. Its only fair to you, even if he's adamant about not getting back together. You need to know if it was a real issue or something he drummed up. If real, then at least you can work on it so you dont unknowingly do the same thing with the next guy.
OR...what is such a grievous terrible thing to him might be something the next guy adores about you. Who knows.
I am going to post links to you tube videos that may help. You can search on your own for more related to your situation, under datings tips for women or relationship tips for women. I try to get ones done by men because that helps give a better perspective. Here goes:
What men look for physically and emotionally in a woman (a young guy in a relationship explains what characteristics are most appealing to men. If you don't come close in some of the points mentioned, you may want to work on yourself.)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
This guy acts out in brief skits the points he makes of what guys hate that girls do. Though funny and over exaggerated, for the most part, it is all very true and will kill a guys interest in a girl.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
A relationship expert named Matthew Hussey does lots of talks with tips for women. He has many on his channel. Here's one:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
and another
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
and his website: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
He wrote a book, Get the Guy. You may want to look for that.
The tips on how to 'get' a guy is behavior tips that work for 'keeping' the guy. If I were you, I'd ask my local bookstore if they have it, and if not, to order it for me. You might also want to do the reverse study too, as if you were the guy. How to treat a girl to keep her for example...and see what guys are being told is proper behavior for a healthy relationship. You may learn things about guys that you have accepted as Okay behavior but relationship experts tell the guys, Don't do that. Hope this helps you dear.
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