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We're both married to other people, but have a connection
I met this guy at work years ago, we would speak and have quick conversations here and there. When we first met years ago, we both felt something but never acknowledged it because we were married...we brushed it off. A year ago now, out of the blue we acknowledged that there was something there and have acted on our feelings. We are consistently in touch with each other, we see each other briefly almost everyday and also text.
We've admitted once that we love each other but have also acknowledged that we wish things could be different and that we could be together. Neither one of us wants to breakup our families but we can't seem to walk away from each other. I have tried several times and just can't seem to completely cut communication from him...now I feel like it will be an extreme void. I always say I wish that what was between us was just sex, but it's not. Sex is not even the focus of what's between us...it's really some strange need to be around each other and just to communicate with each other. I am trying hard now to not initiate communication with him as a way to start backing off but it's so hard because, yeah I do love him...I think about him all day....what can I possibly do to end this and not be completely devastated...but I know I probably will be.
Oh btw...my husband and I are really going through it, found out that he was cheating on me...yes I know karma right?! I found out and was hurt, but yes I'm still dealing with my friend and I even to,d him about it.
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Normally I would tell you not to destroy your marriage and to walk away from this other guy. That advice went out the window when you revealed your husband was cheating on you.
You said, "I always say I wish that what was between us was just sex." Have you been sleeping with this man? Then you too have been cheating. Even if you have not had sex with this man you are emotionally cheating on your husband as you say, yeah I do love him."
There are two questions you need to answer before you decide what to do. One: Do you still love your husband? Two: Do you want to save your marriage? You need to ask your husband these same questions. Does he still love you and does he want to save the marriage. Based on the answers you will know what to do.
Should the answers be that where you find yourself available to this other man you should not be the cause of his marriage failing. You need to get away from him and that might require you to change jobs.
There are two ways to do this. If your company is large enough you might ask for a transfer to another location. If you go to Human Recourses and ask for a transfer tell them it is because of your recent divorce and you are looking for a fresh start in another city. This is something they have seen and heard before and if possible they will try to accommodate you.
The other way of course is to find another job in another town in the opposite direction from where this man lies. When the prospective employer asks why your are applying for their job or to them. Include the fact you are recently divorced and looking for a place to start over again. This is a plausible reason and one they would accept over something you might make up.
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If both of you had healthy marriages, I would say that it is possible that both of you are naturally geared to be polyamourous rather than monogamous.
But at the end, you reveal a husband who is cheating on you. Regardless that you love someone else, your first priority is to see if there is anything that can be done with your marriage. Dont make assumptions. Talk it out. Let hubby know you want to truly know what he is feeling, thinking and that he can share anything with you...that is if you are ready to hear the truth and think you can do so without taking things personally. I can't say what happened to lead up to your current situation in the marriage, if it was a lack of time devoted to kindling the romance or time for each other or what. Or it could be that the two of you were never the best romantic sexual match in the first place and after years of frustration, he finally caved in to his desires. You need to find out if he wants to save the marriage or truly wants out. The best way is to go to a marriage counselor. If he is not willing or really wants out, then you know where your attention needs to be focused. I can't say how it will turn out, he may love you and not want to leave you but in talking may come to the conclusion that the two of you just don't have that spark and if there are children, there may be that reason to stay together as a family unit if the two of you don't fight and can be loving and show a unified front. What happens in your sex life, in the bedroom is not the kids problem, or need to know. If the two of you agree that neither of you want to be sex partners any more but remain married, then it might be good to discuss allowing each other to seek to get their sexual needs met outside the marriage. I have run across many people like this. When instead of doing so behind someones back, both have agreed and given permission....the same action no longer can be considered cheating, it is now a new agreement between the two of you.
I don't know if this is where you two are at...but it is a possibility. I know of several people personally for whom this has worked.
If you give each other permission to seek others for sex or for the loving intimate connection, then I am not saying just because you are free to do so that you can interfere with the guy from work. He is still married. If he ever divorces and becomes single, then you two should feel free to explore. If he and his wife have a happy marriage, and she is not polyamorous in nature, then he has no business continueing on with you and just torturing himself and you over something that can't be. If they ever get to the point of discussing and she is willing to have an 'open marriage' with him, I know of several couples for whom this has worked successfully for years, and then he would be free to pursue a relationship with you as well as maintain a loving relationship with his wife. But both you and he are a long long way off from even coming close to such a possibility. Deal with things at home for know and you can worry about your need for love and how you will get it later.
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