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I want to want my boyfriend again...
I have reached a point where I am very confused about my relationship and it's future. I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off since april of 2011. I have wanted to be in a relationship with him since that time. He has more recently July 2013 decided he's fully on board, wants to get married, and move away to florida within the next few years. We've had a lot of issues, both his and mine along the way, all stemming from his inability to commit..
So fast forward to thanksgiving 2013, when I find out via a google search about the owners of his home, he was married. I believed it to have been over, or he would have told me. Right? Not that that's an excuse anyways. But come to find out, his complete inability to commit, refusing to allow me in his house, not meeting friends, etc. Was because he's been in the middle of a separation/divorce since he has known me (she's fighting him for every step of the way, she didn't work a day the whole marriage but is demanding more than her share). Because her family is the elusive "jerk" room mate excuse he has used for the past two years..
He swears he hasn't touched her since we've been together, she lives in a different state, No kids, all that stuff. And maybe I'm naive but I believe him. My issue is that I resent him, and the circumstances he has put us in. We are amazing together, we used to have so much fun together, he just gets me. We have never felt this way for anyone before. I just felt like if we've been through all the bull that we have, and we're still together. We are strong enough to make it work.
But he's afraid he'll lose more money in the divorce if I live there, he comes over on my days off, but refuses to live here. As I work nights, he doesn't see a reason to be in my apartment when I'm not here. He follows through most of my days off, but it's not enough. Hanging out on days off isn't what someone who's madly in love, wants to marry you and move you away does.. I just feel like we should be so much more. And I'm angry at him, all the time. Even when he doesn't do anything wrong. I have no patience, the smallest things set me off. And we fight all the time. Sometimes his doing as well. I just resent that were dealing with this, that he can't do what's necessary to make me feel confident after a colossal lie. And I'm afraid were going to just end up hating each other because I'm so angry sometimes I make us miserable.
He thinks I'm over thinking it, that I am making myself more miserable than is necessary over this. But I can't have what I want, deserve and am promised for at least another month or two because of her. And I know it's short term.. but it's the principle. And I've been the one compromising and settling for less for YEARS.. I just don't know what to do. Am I overreacting, should I just accept it and coast. I just feel like he has no right to even ask me to do that. I'm just at the point where I'm exhausted with it, always fighting, always wondering, anxious. I don't enjoy our time together, I haven't seen him in two days and i don't even miss him. I was hoping that would go away or get better.. but it isn't. But the idea of leaving literally causes me to crumble. I love him more than I can express, I just can't do this on his terms anymore..
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Trust is a fragile thing and takes lots of time to build or rebuild based on a persons consistant truthful good behavior. Trust is like a bank savings account that should remain full and keep growing larger but one lie after another lie is like one withdrawal after another until he has zeroed out the account. To build up the savings again takes time, same with trust.
So there is nothing he can do to instantly regain your trust. Yes, some people can change and learn from their mistakes, and maybe he will, but can you wait another couple of years not married to him, giving him a chance to prove himself remorseful for lieing, a changed man and someone you now can trust?
Trust isn't the only problem. Your letter has enough negatives about the relationship, or cons of pro's and con's to consider dropping him immediately. It sounds to me like you are almost but not quite sure about leaving him because of the love tie your heart feels.
People can feel a love tie to another person whether they are perfect for you or not. In fact, people have felt love ties for partners who are very abusive towards them...someone any other person would say isn't deserving of that love. So sometimes, a decision has to be made, regardless of how your heart feels at the time by a list of the facts, a list of the pro's and con's. The heart connection can heal over time. But if its basically an unhealthy relationship that you decide to stick with, it can harm you mentally and emotionally which in time will translate into physical problems and illness that can be hard to heal from.
I suggest you make a list of the good points and the bad to see which outweighs the other, it may help in your decision. Here's the list of con's I picked up on:
1. Lying about or hiding his relationship status
which goes hand in hand with
2. Refusing to have you meet friends or family
3. More concerned about money in a divorce than being with you in his home.
4. Small things he does irritate you
5. Making up story of jerk room-mate
6. He stays away from your apt on days you work.
7. He fights all the time. I understand it takes two to tango so even if you start it all, he could choose to not join in and remain calm. He may actually 'enjoy the fight'. He and the ex to be,have been doing it for 2 years over divorce issues.
8. Not giving you credit for your feelings and tossing out the excuse that you are over thinking this to lead you off track.
9. You feel you have been only one comprising. And have anger and resentment towards him.
10. You feel you've been settling for less for yrs
11. You're wondering, can't trust and feel anxious
12. Don't enjoy your time together now
13. Find yourself not missing him
And the pro's?
Other than the fact that you feel love in your heart despite all the con's, the only pro I found is that he doesnt have any kids. Unless he is not telling you the truth there either.
You are not over reacting. Don't settle for less despite how you feel a love there. Deep down, if you are honest with yourself, you don't feel right about staying with him regardless of the thought of dumping him makes you miserable. It just may be that you are more afraid of being alone, lonely, not part of a couple, unmarried than being with the right person.
Going into a marriage where there are sooo many undealt with negative feelings, is a recipe for disaster and will most likely end in divorce.
My guess is that if he says he loves you, perhaps its true, but it's easy to love something or someone without having to prove it by actions.
He is not acting though, like a man madly 'in love' with you or his actions would be entirely different and there would be no questions in your mind despite the fact he is going through a divorce. Having experienced guys who love me and now the one who is 'in love' with me...I assure you, there is a great big difference. The man who is my 2nd husband is 'in love' with me and treats me like a queen. He has not in over 5 yrs ever raised his voice to me or broken my trust and can't stand being apart from me, even for the period of time being at work. He's always eager to be with me AND he is proud to show me off and introduce me to family and friends and any new friends he makes along the way. When a woman isn't truly loved and treated as a precious person to the guy, her love for him will slowly over time die and become non existant. That happened with my first. I loved him but his treatment of me killed my love in the end.
I hope this all gives you something to think about before you decide whether he has earned your love and you stay, or whether you give him the boot.
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I would say the fact you are still with this man involves a good deal of over-thinking. A clear, straight forward line of thought probably would have led you to dump him all ready.
He deceived you in every aspect of his life (he lied about his past, his home life, his parents and his friends) for years! This wasn't even a casual omission, he would have had to lie to you nearly constantly to keep his lie going.
How can you ever truly trust him again? What else will he feel justified in lying to you about? Would he lie to you about your future kids? Your shared finances? Would he lie about his health or his STD status?
This is a man who, for years, exposed his utter disrespect for your feelings and your future together every single day. You may have been good together in the beginning, but in that beginning, he was lying to you about who he was and the life he had lived, while also isolating you from the people who knew him best.
Walk away. At best, he's a controlling ass who made a big mistake in his relationship with you and has yet to accept how serious and damaging his behaviour was. That's the best case. The worst case is that he is a high functioning sociopath who is incapable of normal human feelings and will never understand why lying to you to get what he wants is a problem and will just keep on manipulating you and everyone else to get what he wants.
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Over thinking it? No, You have a valid reason to be second guessing.
You have been with this man on and off for almost 3 years and he hasn't told you NONE of this?! Not only is the way you found out sketchy but I would of call it off right then and there as the entire relationship has been a lie. The man hasn't been upfront with you, He has been putting off his "second" life to the side to hide you from knowing the entire truth. Separated or not, It has been THREE years and sweetie on some level the guy has lied too you, He has man himself seem available when he wasn't. If someone isn't capable of being committed then they should of NEVER been in a relationship to begin with. He lead you on, He wasn't telling you the entire truth and at this point whether he touched her or not, I wouldn't believe that line of bullshit either.
You both have a history of being on and off in the last 3 years but really what raises a big flag with me is that he never came out and told you the truth. This would really make me question whether I could ever believe anything that comes out the mans mouth. I wouldn't want to be with someone who hid something like that from me for THREE years never mind hid something like that period. A relationship should be upfront and honest, I don't give a shit if he wasn't living with this women. He owed it too you to tell you why he wasn't able to be committed but have you asked yourself this, Do you feel at all that you were led on and lied too? Don't you wonder whether he strung you along?...
Sometimes we can love someone but I would be questioning whether you can look past the fact that he kept lying for the past 3 years. It IS a big deal. You need to do on YOUR terms, Unfortunately I believe you need to move on. Find someone who is faithful and honest with you, Not someone who keeps you on the sidelines waiting to clear old baggage.
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