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Time and Space
23/Female
My boyfriend and I recently broke up, it was "mutual" I guess you could say. We were dating for about 6 months (not a really long time together but hey you have to start somewhere)
We weren't communicating as much and we weren't hanging out because he is always so busy. He's currently a substitute teacher/fill-in, coaching basketball, and he recently got accepted into grad school so he's taking classes on top of everything else. With that being said, we never got to hang out. Mainly, we could only see each other on the weekends but with his classes starting he always has projects/papers/etc to work on. So it was about 4 weeks that we got to see each other. I told him that, that was getting really tough for me and I couldn't do that anymore and it wasn't fair to me. He said that until May he is going to be swamped with school work everyday and that he knows it's not fair at all and how he did not plan this to happen.
Time is his biggest issue right now and unfortunately he doesn't have time for a relationship. He said that he didn't plan on it to happen and he didn't envision it to happen. (Our breaking up/never having time to see each other) I said to him "Maybe we can try our relationship out again later. I understand things happen and you can't always help it" and he said "I hope so".
Background information: He's never really had a serious girlfriend or a serious relationship. (He doesn't play the field or have random hookup.) He just isn't really good with girls/talking to them/etc. He was always so nervous the first couple times we hung out but in a way he and I clicked really quickly. His friends have told me that he isn't used to a girl who cares about him as much as I do and actually shows that she cares. I feel like maybe he doesn't really know how to balance his life work, friends, girlfriend. Sometimes I think that maybe since he's never had a serious relationship that maybe he started growing some strong feelings and that freaked him out. He is a sweetheart and he has the biggest heart. He always said the nicest, most caring things to me and that made me feel so special.
So I guess what I'm asking is what I should do from here. Should I just give him his time/space and let him get everything under control and then in a couple weeks or a month get a hold of him and see how he's doing? Should I wait to see if he gets a hold of me? (Which I will admit, I'm afraid he won't. I over-think too much and sometimes I think the worst in situations)
Thank you so much for your help.
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Ever since I read this statement made by a relationship expert, I share it with the girls: if a guy doesn't have the time to make you one of his top 3 prioritys, then time to leave him.
A thing about most guys is they naturally seem to know how to prioritize and can juggle many things that require their focus and attention. Girls seem to give top priority only to the guy once one enters her life. And that not always how life works. Other things will come and go that take focus and attention away from the lady for a couple days, weeks, maybe a month such as in a death of a relative and all that goes with handling their affairs and planning the service. Thats normal but if the schedule has no room for her, there's a problem. If a guy knows he has no choice and his schedule is so tight that he does not have room for a woman in his life right now, then he has no business going after one and starting dating her. If a guy does have room for a gal at the time he starts dating, (which I think may be your case) but he makes the choices soon after to crowd his schedule with things that bump you down out of his top 3 priorities, then its not fair to consider yourself able to date when in fact there is no time to do so.
The relationship changes from boyfriend/girlfriend to acquaintances because acquaintances don't require the time and attention a dating relationship does.
Remember, these are choices that are important to him at this stage in life so nothing will change in weeks or a month or two until he see's one of these events through to the end. Sounds like everything was okay until the recent acceptance into grad school and thats what has made the difference. Its highly unlikely that he will drop the sub teaching since thats experience and some income and that is important. Dropping coaching isn't going to free up sufficient time for a relationship. Depending on the type of school and degree one goes after, just the school and what goes with it can take up 80% or even close to 100% of a persons time. My husbands daughter recently graduated but while pursueing her college degree, she had many breakdowns due to the fact she had zero down time. In fact her and CI art teams had many projects they stayed up all nighters for...that was the norm so she did not eat often and did not get enough sleep...since there wasn't even time for that. So your guy may have a schedule that truly has no room.
So do you hang around and wait for him? How long is he in grad school for? Cus he just started this fall, right? So is it two years, 4 years? Thats how long before he will have time for pursuing a woman in his life. He could be bad at managing his time or have bad study habits that make it all more a struggle for him than it should be but at this point, whats the likelihood of him finding time to learn time management.
If you were willing to wait years for a guy, and never date anyone else...thats one choice. But I think he realized how unreasonable that would be. Thats why he was willing to break it off.
A relationship is like a tender seedling. It needs time and attention devoted to it, so it can grow into a mature plant, for without care, it's likely it will end up shriveling up and dying.
A relationship is like that, it needs both parties putting 100% effort into it or it cannot grow, let alone mature.
There's a saying, "Happily ever after isn't because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so." Due to his schedule, the timing isn't right for him to have a gal in his life right now.
Another note, you mentioned him not having had success with girls, being awkward around them, etc so here you come along and help him gain confidence. Females whether they have a child or not, come with that nurturing instinct. So just a warning to not confuse your nurturing instinct towards a guy to help him gain confidence with girls as he practices on you, with a the real perfect for each other, much in common, and in love relationship with a guy. Don't end up settling for less and keep yourself tied up guiding this man how to handle girls and how to date them and not be available for the right guy for you.
I'd remain friendly with him. But keep my eyes open and myself available for other guys.
If you meet Mr. Right, enjoy your relationship. If Your old boyfriend, once out of school, finds you're already taken, he can still come to you for advice with women and I'm sure you'd be happy to help him with how to treat a girlfriend.
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