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The partner's past
Hello, I reached your answer to this topic and I was amazed. You explained how the "bad feelings" moved and the ups and downs and everything clearly. That's why I am sending you this because I know it's worth to hear from you about my problem.
I am from a closed eastern society. I was raised on the idea that sex is actually something bad and shameful. When I was young I used to think that if I have some feelings for a girl, I shouldn't have sexual feelings for her. In such a masculine society, guys can try it and it's fine but girls trials mean the end. I was addicted to porn of course, and tried it more than once with random girls and so on.
I went n relationships too which I had also tried sexual contacts but something were not right. Until I met the love of my life. She is european, we meet and like each other, we had (great) sex and we thought to make it casual (to deny that we are falling in love) then we couldn't. We fell in love madly though we know it is going to be hard open-ended LDR till now. She told me about her past even before getting in the relationship and "weirdly" she is according to europeans had only very little numbers of relationships and sex. She even had only one "one night stand" and that was an FFM. She got the offer and refused first and then she wanted to try it to see her bi-sexuality tendency. I got annoyed at first and I was thinking "Ok, I am annoyed because I like her" and that was a sign for me actually. Then everything was ok, we lived together for 3 months and then she had to get back to her country to finish studying and I am stuck in my country for a year for the obligatory military service. in the last month before she leaves, we talked about all of our sexual history and she understands really good my conditions and how I am fighting all these non-sense cultural traditions. She also told me she didn't enjoy the FFM and it was only a try and she doesn't even made it a fantasy. I told her about my obsession with sex and my willingness to fix it and I am doing therapy already. After she left everything with still ok, normal bothering from the images my mind made and that's it. I never projected any of these egoistic alpha-male trips on her. But stuff got worse. Ups and downs with chest pain and sadness. She visited me for a week and it was a good visit but I was still in pain. She is supportive a lot and I am loving her. Can't even imagine living now with someone else. Sometimes, I feel it is so silly and I am stronger than this and sometimes I am going through total madness in my mind! and I feel like leaving her now.
I am still in the process of fixing it, I know it's not that easy and it needs time especially that I was raised on completely patriarchal masculine idea which makes it more complicated and tough. I imagine myself living with her and even getting married and have a very lovely life. She is having the same feelings and visions. We are so completing each other, in the same intellectual level so we discuss everything wisely and we rarely even fight.
Please if you can share with me more of your process of healing and how it feels after, that would be really supportive. Thanks.
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