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long term relationship? 15 year old couple
Sometimes I wish we had never met. I love you and you’ve made a great impact on my life but often times I don’t know if that’s what I want. You seem like the perfect guy for me..with our inside jokes and being cute with eachother but its been almost 10 months and starting to feel different. I don’t know what it is and im trying to avoid finding out. Could I be bored of you? is it normal to feel this way? Whenever im with you I love it but we always do the same thing…its like a cycle almost every weekend. You have all these rules about me talking to other guys and other stupid stuff like deleting all my other guy contacts and checking my text messages but sometimes I wish we could just take a break in this relationship and be free. You make me feel amazing and I love you, I don’t know why I feel this way honestly. They say once you have the best you cant do better but I don’t know what the best is…I miss being able to hangout with guys friends and be flirty and try new things but I know if id done that for the past 10 months id be writing this same thing except the opposite…I wish we could just take a break and try and do new things with new people but I know id get hurt if he was with another girl…I don’t know what to do…please help! Is this just what a long term relationship feels like?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I am going to pull out statements you made and comment on them dear.
" I love you and you’ve made a great impact on my life"
> First time you feel those special feelings for another is going to have a great impact because it is the first experience in a new realm of your life, of interacting with the opposite sex. But one can't automatically have 10 years worth of experience in dating and relationships with the first experience. It doesnt work that way.
"..often times I don’t know if that’s what I want."
> It's okay to not just know what you want when you start entering into relationships and dating. At that age, we assume that with going through puberty, that somehow, we are mysteriously endowed also with the mental knowledge of how to handle dating and to know what we want. Our teen and college years are all a time of 'school for dating' years. The subject is the opposite sex. There is no teacher holding your hand through the learning process, cus this one must be learned by 'personal experience'. Therefore, the less guys you get a chance to experience, the longer your learning process to find the right one.
"its been almost 10 months and starting to feel different."
>Don't worry dear...this is normal. Its called New relationship energy. Every couple feels it when they first get together no matter what your age or experience. It's like both peoples bodies overproduce those 'feel-good' hormones so both are riding a 'high', like being on a drug...in fact often people get addicted to this feeling and will start dating and break up over and over as soon as the intensity of this feeling fades. I would personally describe it as feeling like your head is up in the clouds, feeling giddy, giggly all the time, heart doing lots of somersaults, everything the other person says or does seems wonderful, even if its not really.
" I don’t know what it is and im trying to avoid finding out"
>I can't say if NRE is solely responsible or if there are other issues, but trying to not discover what it is means that you will never really learn how to find a good guy. Did you ever do perfect on every test you've ever taken in school? No. Nobody does. You make mistakes and the teacher shows you where you went wrong. Making mistakes and not doing well is part of the learning process. The same goes for dating. But since there's no teacher for this kind of learning, the only way you can learn is by experiencing things about a guy, things that you don't like and then break up with him. If you see the same traits in another guy, back away from him and don't get involved cus you already know you don't like those traits or its a sign of some destructive behavior in the guy.
"Could I be bored of you?"
>I must bring up NRE. That energy in the beginning of a dating relationship can actually mask the fact that the two have very little in common. Once it wears off, like the effects of any drug does after a while (for NRE could be a few months up to a year) then you begin to notice a difference in how the relationship feels. Its a good indicator once NRE is gone, if you really have enough in common to continue or should break it off. There is absolutely no commitment you own a guy if you once promised to date him, because dating is only a process to learn about the guy and if he is right for you. Once you know he is not, that is the time to break up. Don't stay out of guilt or commitment issues or fear of not finding someone else.
"You have all these rules about me talking to other guys and other stupid stuff like deleting all my other guy contacts and checking my text messages".
>When I saw this, all the warning flags went up. You're going to have to trust me on this, but you can study for yourself on psychology of and the type of behaviors of controlling people. This is not the behavior of someone who understands and practices 'unconditional love'. He has conditions mainly born out of jealousy and feeling inferior to other guys and maybe even inferior to certain women, so a guy like this will not choose to date a strong female, who thinks for herself and will not allow a man to dictate what she does and doesn't do. Inner confidence and knowing what you want sometimes doesn't happen until much later in life. And that is why young females are more susceptible of getting into such an abusive relationship like this. You heard right, controlling like your guy is doing, is ABUSE, its a form of bullying. Its too easy when you don't know yet from experience that this detailed attention he pays to you is not because of how much he cares about you. I can't say why some guys are like this but sadly most will never get better. I know...I married one at age 20. Stayed for 30 yrs of verbal abuse. I finally left. I hope you can learn these hard lessons sooner than I did. Thats why I am taking the time to go into great detail dear. So pay close attention. Perhaps it is a chosen behavior by him, modeling himself after dad or another male role model or even friends, but every person has a choice to be as bad as their parents were or to consciously choose to do better in life. YOur boyfriend has not chosen the right path.
"You make me feel amazing and I love you"
>Again from psychology, there is something that young teen females do. It is born out of their need to be validated as a female when they are just beginning to experience their sexuality. What we all do is seek approval of males. It helps us build self condidence that we are desireable, attractive, and sexy among other things. But those are the most significant. Some young teens hang out around Dad more and seek his attention and even ask what he thinks of how they look like in certain outfits. But they had to be very close to Dad to seek approval there. Others go straight to seeking validation of their desirability from the fact that a guy wants to date them. Thats why its so important to a gal at this age that a guy pays them attention. But this can be playing with fire, cus some guys will give a girl the type of attention the girl needs so the guy can get the sex they want, but sometimes way before the girl is really ready to go there. There are ways to gain self confidence and know you are appealing to not just one but many at many guys. I am 55 and still very desirable to many guys but happy with my 2nd husband. (If you want me to go into details about becomiing confident as a female, write me back asking for that specifically.)
"They say once you have the best you cant do better but I don’t know what the best is"
>You are right, no one can know what the best is until they have something else to compare it too. Only one other example isn't enough cus it might be a better guy but better is still not the best. Do you see the importance of spending time with many guys. Theres a good saying, "Don't settle for less." But sticking with the first or 2nd guy you meet, theres a chance you are settling for less. If there is bad behavior from a guy such as in your case, and a girl stays with him, she is settling for less. My advice is to tell guys right off the bat if they ask to hang out or ask you to be their girlfriend, is to tell them you will 'hang out' with several guys until you have finally decided on who you want to date exclusively...meaning he's the only one then from that point on. Yes, most guys that are worth dating are not going to have a problem with you spending time with and going out with others (most friends will call this dating--let them call it what they want or you can explain-what matters is that you are dedicated to doing whats best for you, and that goal is finding the best through dating or hanging out with many) If a guy says he won't hang out with you unless you have no contact with other guys, you tell him,
"Thats not your choice to make, it is mine. I am going to spend time with enough different guys to form an idea of what I am looking for. If you don't like it, then bug off." By standing up and not giving your 'choice making rights' away, you are showing yourself to be strong and confident and the not so desirable guys are going to avoid you...which is what you want.
"I miss being able to hangout with guys friends and be flirty and try new things"
>This was a statement dear, from your true inner self, your subconscious mind, where all your emotions are...your hopes and dreams too. Your conscious mind and subconscious mind should not be at odds, forcing each other to experience things that the other does not like or want. Its like being conjoined twins---like Abby and Britanny from the TV show...they have two minds with different likes but they have to make decisions that both can live with. If you force yourself to stay with boyfriend because of the heart feelings, even though its an abusive one for one thing and your subconscious misses your other guy friends, you will make your sub upset with you and will grow up fighting yourself all your life until you learn to treat your two minds like conjoined twins have to do. Be best friends with yourself first. Part of you wants to hangout and flirt with your guy friends, so go do it. Otherwise you are fighting yourself, and you should never ever be your own worst enemy. You are not shackled or chained to the one boyfriend. There is nothing holding you to him but your thoughts and feelings. So really, only you can lock yourself up, and chose to not be available to be with friends.
"I wish we could just take a break...but I know id get hurt if he was with another girl"
>And this is what really holds you back from making a break away from this guy for good. It is good that you are willing to admit you know you'd feel jealous if he had another girl.But jealousy isn't something to fear having or to avoid at all costs. Jealousy is nothing more than like an indicator light of the dashboard of a car indicating that something is wrong, door left ajar, low on gas or oil for example. So if something is wrong, it is usually to be found in your thought processes, more to be exact thoughts without an truth to them, faulty, twisted thinking that Ive seen labeled "stinking thinking". Jealousy is usually a fear of loss of someething. So ask yourself what you really fear losing? Would yous be losing that validation that you are still desireable? Remember, theres not just one male on the planet who can validate you...there are many. Are you fearing that he will like the other girl better than he ever liked you? That can be true if neither of you were the best matches personality wise. Its high time you learn an important fact in life right now that will help you not feel inadequate or rejected cus somesthings wrong with you.
Whats your favorite icecream flavor? Can you explain why? I like chocolate chip mint. Does that mean if your favorite is Rocky road, I should switch to Rocky road because your view point is thats the best icecream? No. We base all our choices in life on personal taste. We have personal taste in foods, clothings, hobbies, so why shouldn't we in relationships? What I find attractive in a guy, you might not agree with me. Many think Brad Pitt is hot...well good...he's hot looking to their personal tastes. For me, he does not look hot at all. I could care less if he was sitting next to me right now. Do you see what I am saying? You can not ever in your lifetime be the favorite woman to every living breathing male on the planet. They have their personal tastes. In our teens, we haven't quite discovered what all our personal tastes are. Some don't discover until college years, and some don't discover until they are married as I did...guess I was a late learner. But I know better now so I am passing this on to you. So right now, teen boys are not going to know what they want and they may end up with girls who don't appreciate a good guy, girls who are bitches in one way or another, etc. Teen boys are hopefully going to learn the same way you do, from experiences with many of the opposite sex. We really never can own a person like we own a pet, a house, a car, or a pair of shoes. Its a hard concept to get, one many adults have trouble with but I don't own my husband, he doesnt own me, we are each our own person. We both decide to share our lives with the other, not give away our life to the other such as in giving them ownership or control of what we do and don't do. Therein lies the potential for problems in a relationship. I will stop now. This should be thorough enough to give you some ideas of what you need to do. If you are still confused on any issue and need more clarification and examples, let me know. I understand you're just starting the process and its' going to take some time to learn.
Good luck.
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