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Boyfriend troubles
19 - Female
So I have been with this guy for nearly 8 months and I am 5 months pregnant with his child. We went away to his family house down the country and it was late at night and I went to bed. I was still away, but was just laying there. Anyways, he was taking forever to come to bed so I was like what the hell and then I received a Facebook message from this girl with a screenshot of what MY boyfriend was saying to her. He was being all sexual towards her and she mentioned that she knew me (she doesnt have a clue who i am) - and he apologised and said he was going to be good.
Obviously I rushed out of bed and was like 'what the F is this' and he denyed it for a while but then I just got real angry because it was right infront of my face, I have the screen shot infront of me on my phone. He said 'sorry doesnt mean a thing' which is true - but I forgave him. I don't trust him fully.
Was is wrong of me to forgive him? I don't know if I forgave him because I love him, or if hes the father of my child or why I forgave him.
I really want to work through it and I think it's important to do so. Just any advice overall would be great.
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Even if he's a couple years older or 19 too, he's at an age when most guys have yet to learn how to be responsible, trust worthy adults and he may be prone to more slips ups and bad decisions, whether it meant anything or not, at least until he grows a bit older. Most humans have a fully developed body before a fully developed brain. The pre frontal cortex, responsible for one thing for making good decisions, is not going to be totally complete until your mid 20's so the chance that both he and you will make some poor decisions on the spur of the moment like his to contact another gal for sexting or whatever, is not surprising. There can be young people who do learn to make good decisions but it takes some personal willpower and want to do so and make the mature and right decisions.
Forgiving or being forgiven is something that will affect you in positive ways, but these actions don't necessarily affect the other person. He will need to learn to forgive himself, or learn how to really ask for forgiveness and mean it. You can't make him do it. Forgiveness is important so that you don't carry bitterness, hate, anger in your heart which will only affect your physical health over time. So forgiveness is something you aren't doing just for the other person but for yourself.
Trust on the other hand is different. It would seem to make sense that if one has forgiven the other, that there should automatically be trust there again. Wrong. Forgiveness or asking for it is something that comes from the heart, it isn't an action like just speaking the words. In your case...his first reaction was to not own up to his bad choices, denying it until presented with proof and even then wanted to brush it off as nothing important until you began angry at which point he says sorry.
Words are cheap, and speaking the word "Sorry" does not necessarily mean that he meant it from the heart. Without experiencing true regret for what he did, you can expect no change in his behavior other than attempts to hide future events like this better. If his apology is not genuine, you may have the ability to sense something is off here.
Trust is a fragile thing. It takes time to be built. You are not the one who needs to build a trust for him inside of you, he needs to rebuild it and earn it. So don't expect yourself to feel those feelings of trust just because you forgave him. It doesnt mean anything is wrong with you by not feeling it.
Trust is built over time so this means as the months and years go by, he is making daily deposits in your bank account of "Trust", and the interest rate is great, its pretty high. When he does something to break your trust or break the bank, that's liketaking out the entire amount of trust sitting in savings, bringing the savings down to zero. Now he has to start building up the amount of "trust' in savings all over again. However this time it will be much harder to get back up to the amount you originally had cus the interest rate is lower, so it will take longer. If he breaks the trust a second or more times, then there is no interest at all making it even
harder to accumulate "Trust", or no matter what he does to try to deposit trust by doing the right things, it' like the bank looking at him and saying, you can't deposit 'monopoly money' or fake money in here. And so at some point, trust isn't just a struggle to regain anymore, but totally impossible because of issues with himself that are not being resolved by him.
This all explains to you what Forgiveness and trust is and how it applies to your situation.
If you want to work through this, he needs to be willing to learn and take correction from someone who knows better, whether a life coach, relationship coach or counselor and of course you would attend too. But he must have the desire to go. If he would go, only to pacify you, without desire to change, its a smokescreen you'll eventually see through and realize you're going no where with him. No matter who donated the sperm, it takes a mature man willing to admit his mistakes and really apply himself to learning from good male role models how to be the best mate and father he can possibly be. Go for counseling. If things don't improve over time, leave him and find a male who can really be a man.
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