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my mother doesnt want me happy
hello there---
over the summer i met this guy lets call him J. At first i was dating my now ex boyfriend so i didnt pay much attention to J until later on in July. He made me feel like the most beautiful and wanted person in the whole world. So much so that i even invited him over my home.
I met J online, over tumblr through a video game and we video chat regularly. I knew what he looked like, not who he was. He claimed he loved me, I thought he was nuts. That is until i developed strong feelings for him. As of now we are dating, long distance, about six hours away from each other.
My mother knows who he his, but not KNOW who he is... if that makes sense. She claims I dont know him, that he is a rapist, etc etc.. the man still lives with his parents, i've seen him four times. Any sex we have had was of my free will.
My whole family actually has no idea we are dating. Simply due to the fact that i met him online. I see him in secret whenever he travels north. His family knows about me and they love me without knowing me because their son is happy. Why cant my parents be the same?
18/f, J is 23/m, my mother is 44, father is 50
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Well honestly, do you blame her?
I'm pretty sure your mother loves you and wants you happy. If I had a daughter, I would feel the same way. I'd probably not jump the gun and start calling the guy a rapist but I can see where she's coming from. It's only because dating someone that you've met online can be a dangerous thing, you know that.
I think it's easier for a guy to tell his family he's seeing a girl that he's met online. At least every couple I knew that met online, the guys family always seemed accepting of it. There's usually more men on the internet looking to prey on women that women looking to prey on men so that's probably why his family is more accepting of it.
So I think the best way to handle it is to have your family meet him. At least your parents. Seeing a guy in secret just sucks and it'll screw up your relationship with your family and possibly his relationship with your family when he could have a better chance of getting to know your parents.
So sit down and talk to her mom. Explain that you understand why she's so upset about it, but you really do care about him and you would like her to at least meet him and then decide on how she feels about the situation.
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I'm older than your dad with 3 daughters ranging from 21 to 27. While parents may seem over protective or not care about you being happy, actually the daughters happiness and well being really are foremost in our minds and will cause us to act the way we do out of our live experiences. We have a little more experience in gauging people and their character and intentions than our kids do. However, our kids need to learn how to be able to pick a good partner themselves. The perfect blend is finding someone yourself, and using the parents as a sounding board to ask them their opinion and advice as you are asking here. You will have to overlook mom freaking out by uttering extremes like he is a rapist. But my oldest when she was your age, without consulting us went out with a guy about 10 yrs older. He forced her to have sex and she was so ashamed to tell us that it wasnt until about 6 yrs later she confided in me. If she had told me her ideas of going on a date, I would have given her some precautionary ideas to keep herself safe.
I did internet dating to meet my 2nd husband. Meeting someone online no matter in what venue is a dangerous thing however I had age on my side and some experience on how to spot problems and judge character. Even so, I agreed to meet at a coffee shop and many turned out to be creeps even though online they seemed okay. I also got to the 3rd date with a couple before they let their real self show and what I saw was behavior I would not tolerate and thats the last they saw me. However I did find my 2nd husband there.
Living with the parents and sneaking off to meet him occasionally is not a good way to get to know a person. The less time spent around each other to get to know each other means it is easier to keep certain things about himself hidden. Dating and relationships have many stages they go through, the attraction stage, at which point you start talking and if they are interesting to talk to that prompts the two to want to hang out together and date, then the dating becomes serious enough that it becomes a committed relationship with both saying they want to only see each other and at some stage they begin to live together. Its at this last stage where all the things hidden can no longer be hidden. You're gonna see what he's like at his best or worst...when depressed, sad, angry, had a bad day, sick etc.... Sometimes we don't discover any problems that would kill the relationship until we get to the last stage. Based on the steps to getting to know someone in dating, and knowing someone on line for months or years doesnt count, I'd have to say mom is right to say you don't really know him. So when you do meet with him keep that thought in mind and try to find out as much as you can about him in each meeting. I hope you're on reliable birth control since you're being sexual with him. Don't count on just condoms, they can fail too easy.
There are many reasons for saying I love you too early. It could actually be true, or the person is saying it cus they think its what you want to hear, and want to make you happy whether they truly feel that way or not.
Or a guy can be saying it to get into your pants.
Or a guy may be needy and looking for a mommy figure in a partner as a replacement for his mommy. He feels a need to be taken care of. The fact that he still lives at home may be an indication of it and it may just be a coincidence. Keep it in mind and if after a while it seems like he leans on you too much and wants you to do everything for him, then he isn't capable of being an equal partner in a relationship. There could be many other pointers to give you. We'll just have to wait until you experience something that troubles you and you write us with those specifics. Good luck and stay safe.
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