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My boyfriend is too defensive when it comes to his daughter.
We have been together 3 yrs now and living together one year. He has a 10 yr old daughter. I have raised my daughters already they are grown and married. I also helped raise my grandson who is now the same age as my boyfriend's child. Here's the deal...I encourage his daughter to be more responsible such as getting her homework done...cleaning room etc. He's not very good at staying on top of her to do these things. She was pouring milk for cereal the other day and I said "be careful...don't pour too much"...and he said I was riding her too much. I feel like a third wheel. My boyfriends sister warned me that he spoils his daughter too much. Anyways...any suggestions?
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It's usually in the living together stage of a relationship that we discover the nitty gritty about each other that can make for waves in the relationship or cause major problems. Take a good look at him and the relationship. Is this the only issue in the entire relationship? You haven't been keeping a blind eye to other issues? If this is the only problem, then do as suggested have a talk and see what compromising he's comfortable with. If talks don't go too well but he's okay with seeing a relationship counselor, then go for that. If you have not been willing to admit to other issues, it might be time to face up to those too. Are you really with the right guy?
I know that from parenting classes, books even tv shows...that if both parents/even step parents, aren't on the same page and providing a united front, there is a great likelihood of the child becoming out of control and trying to get away with all sorts of things which can bring lots of problems to the household.
Hopefully that will never happen with this child. But you must be mentally prepared that it could happen. If he is unwilling to make any compromises now, at some point in the future when more years with him have been invested, it may become critical to the relationship to come to a compromise regarding how to handle his daughter or it may affect your relationship with him.
So I'd do whatever I could to work things out now.
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How he raises his child is up to him. It's understandable, very understandable, that you want to make sure his daughter is raised right. Unfortunately, for all potential step parents, there's not much to be done and feeling like a third wheel is almost inevitable. That doesn't mean your input isn't valued. It should be and if it isn't, that could be a problem for the entire relationship.
I agree with Zane. The best and possibly only thing do to is open a conversation with him. It's easy for such a discussion to become heated, especially since he is defensive about the issue. I would make sure to bring up that all of this is coming from love and you're both just looking for what's best for his daughter. After this, if he's still set on raising his child in a way with which you don't agree, you might have to just accept that the child will be spoiled.
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You need to talk openly about this with him.
Tell him you are committed to being apart of his life as well as his daughters and you only want the best for her. Reassure him you are not trying to ride her too much but you are only trying to look out for her best interest.
Express how you feel, Tell him you feel like a third wheel. You are only trying to do what is right. If he becomes offensive then ask him what you both can do to make things better. Remember, You must work as a team in a relationship. You both are in a relationship and have been for quite sometime now and when it comes to being in a relationship with someone who has children, You indeed do some co-parenting it's just part of a package deal, A committed one anyhow.
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