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I know she is not telling me the whole truth. She is still hiding many things.
I am married for around 8 yrs, but just after my marriage my wife has started creating issue with my family. We were a joint family and just because of her high Temper, she never looks where she is standing in the house or outside, when she is angry she will just burst out with very high volume. Also i recently came to know that she has been physical with 2 to 3 guys before we got married. It came to my notice that some one msg her and I read it. She told lies that she dont kneow, but she use to get the msgs mostly daily so when I focused her she confused that she dont know who is the guy msg but yes she has been physical with some guys and that to 1 night stand. My whole life is gone for toss. I cannot tell anyone about this nor can do anything becuase she is not raedy to leave me. I know she is not telling me the whole truth. She is still hiding many things. I dont have anyone with me so that I can share my feelings. I have started drinking and even I am spending more time in office. Please advice.
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Its so easy to jump to conclusions based on what you did say but there is much left unsaid that I cannot give advice with asking questions and making some statements based on what you have shared. Problems with family arose only after marriage as you say so was there no sign or hint of this type of behavior from her before marriage?
If not, perhaps she was on her best behaviour, presenting a false front, not showing her real self. How long did you know her before marrying her? People wearing a mask to hide their real self must put lots of personal energy into it and can not do that long term so after a few months, once they are comfortable with another person, they will let the mask slip and you get glimpses of who they really are. I was married to such a person. I saw those warning glimpses into who he really was before marrying but was too naive and inexperienced to know what I was really looking at. Even a person with mental illness can put on an act for a while, not just the average person who chooses bad habits. I am guessing that either it was a short dating before marriage to her or you just were blind to it or lying to yourself.
Many of us are prone to be on our best behavior when dating and usually its not with an intent to hide anything bad, just make a good impression. If she began to fight and mistreat family so quickly, likely it is an issue that has always been a part of her life. Has she ever been seen by a mental health practioner? She may have some serious mental illness that she should be getting counseling if not also be on meds for. Perhaps she is bi-polar or some other such problem.
People suffering certain mental illnesses never are successful in relationship because their issues always destroy the relationship. That is one issue.
Next thing you stated is coming to hear that she had physical relationships with two guys before marriage. You did not say whether this was while you were dating and engaged or before you two met. This could be an issue either way depending on some piece of information I do not know about you. Are you and her both professing christians who were supposed to be 'saving themselves for marriage' and not have sex before marriage. If you were a virgin at marriage and she said she was also but wasn't, then that is lieing and disceiving practice and starts off a marriage without trust. Even though you didnt know yet, she did and that can still affect the marriage.
ON the other hand, if she had sexual relationships before she met you, I don't see what the problem is if she were committed to you once you met. Most people if they are acknowleging their sex drive and keeping healthy by having a sex partner, that is normal. The fact that you just didn't know...if thats what is bothering you, should not be an issue...there is no discieving or lying there if you two never discussed each others past relationships.
Obviously we all agree if the 2 guys came along while you were dating or engaged, then there is a problem. I don't know what to tell you since there are 3 possible scenerios. I dont have enough specific detail to know which it is.
Your next issue is the fact that some one messaged her. No info on who, what, when where why how...again. You did not say whether it was one of the two guys previously mentioned, or if it was someone else. You did not say what the content of the email was.
This could also have a few different scenerio's. Just because a guy writes the wife, doesn't mean something is afoot. If it was the previous guys and she did not sleep with them after meeting you, the guys intent may not have been bad, just checking up on an old friend to see how she's doing. The issue would be in the rest of the content, what did they discuss? Also, a female can be married, committed to her husband and have male friends. Both hubby and I have always preferred friends of the opposite sex rather than same sex for close non sexual friends.
I don't mean any disrespect to you sir, but How am I to know that you don't have issues with jealousy and jumping to conclusions and happen to be very controlling. Some women are attacked by the husband if a stranger in a store happens to even look at her,let alone receive an innocent email from a male friend.
You say she had daily messages. Were they from the same guy? It becomes suspicious to be talking to someone daily and especially claim to not even know who they were. That is the only thing I can get from your letter that I can know for certain is an issue. You did not even state whether she was confessing to having been physical and having one night stands with anyone before meeting you or since you've been married.
If this is happening during marriage, then theres a couple things to have to look at. It is never the resulting issue of just one person, it takes two. While one may be totally innocent and is doing nothing wrong, the only wrong thing may be that the one person is not the right person for the other, never was and marriage was a mistake. there are some issues regarding learning trust and good communication skills and such that can help all relationships. Marriage counselling is good for that. However there are people who get married who are mismatched in personalities, beliefs, goals and while those can be worked out with a counselor and make compromises, compromises do not work as well in the sexual department. If the two have differing libido's, what enough and often enough for one may be too much or not enough for the other. Also, there may be a lack of chemistry, no spark of romance and turn on, for one with the other or both feel the lack but push on and force the sexual relationship. This is often the reason for unhappiness in the sexual side of the relationship. I and ex were sexually mismatched and he ended up having mental illness too. Both were a killer of the marriage. It is possible while maybe you have desires for her sexually, she may not feel the same for you. Why she couldn't just tell you that, I dont know. Secretly trying to get sexually satified behind your back is one thing that will happen with marriages where they don't want to hurt the partners feelings by breaking up for that reason, but the alternative of discovering cheating is just as painful. Another reason is that they may really love the person..love like a best friend, love like a platonic love, but are just not happy sexually. Thats what happens when two 'best friends' who love each other marry who dont have sexual chemistry. Both are important foundations to a successful happy relationship, and without one or the other the relationship will be unhappy or break up.
Another reason to stay together though unhappy is because of children. That one I'm sure you've heard about before.
So the two of you need to be honest about how both of you feel sexually with each other. No sugar coating from her, no blaming of each other. While you may be the best lover in the world for a woman you have sexual chemistry with, just being yourself and doing all the same with another will not work with lack of chemistry. And since there is nothing in the world anyone can do to create chemistry...its either there or it is not, you can't blame her for lack of it and she can't blame you either. The only blame can be in choosing to continue to not talk about it and be honest about it. This talking can be done on your own but may go better with some separate and then together visits to a relationship counselor.
Your drinking will not make the issue go away for long...it'll alway be there. Avoiding talking to find out what you already suspect may come to pass, is not going to make you any happier. It is not going to make her any happier. The adult thing to do is to have both of you admit there is a problem and decide if it's something that can be fixed by counseling or an issue such as I mentioned that cannot be changed. Her not being ready to leave cant be the basis of whether you can talk to a professional or not. I have heard of couples who got divorced so legally they had no claim to each other anymore but they still shared the living situation for a while after the divorce. What makes this an option is that both are now free to pursue other relationships. And just like having a room mate, you let the new date know you have a room mate who is your ex and you are only sharing living space until she can get on her feet. Makes it tough finding an understanding new partner but it is one thing to consider. If her behaviour is such that she'd yell and mistreat any new love of yours, then that option will never work. See a lawyer about getting separated which is kind of like what you are working towards by being at the office so much. Decide what is the amount of time you will be separated to give her a chance to find other living arrangements and a job if needed. Most folks go to stay with a friend or relative when splitting up. She must have someone she can go to.
You may really be the only one holding this up, by trying to be the nice guy for her and see to her welfare. It may be that you are the type of person who lives their life as 'being in service' to others so you feel this is one of your services or duty in life. Where one goes wrong here is when they don't love themselves first. that bible verse about love your neighbor as yourself isn't about teaching on being loving and caring and in service to others. On the contrary, most of us miss the fact that it subtly says that we must learn to love ourselves first before we can properly love and help others. If the action being taken to help others has a negative effect on yourself, then what you are doing is not a very loving way to treat yourself. Of course you deserve better, you deserve to be happy and to have someone who loves you as a mate. Do what you need to do for yourself, keeping that little piece of scripture in mind. It is not a selfish thing to love yourself first. Until you love yourself and treat yourself accordingly which includes the situations you allow yourself to be in, you can not be truly able to love someone else. When you have decided to really love yourself, then how does loving the wife come into it? If you want her to be as happy as possible, your hearts mindset will be for her to be released from the marriage commitment so that she is free to go find the one who is right for her. If that alone isn't enough to make her happy, perhaps you would be willing as a friend to accompany her to finding the right therapist and getting some personal counseling, maybe mental health help. If she is resistant to your doing the right thing for your and her best interest, you will have to do so anyways, even if she throws fits because you know that you are going about it for the right reasons and so there is no reason to feel guilty. All of what I shared are things to think about and consider. with the missing info I had this , is the best I can offer...lengthy but there is no quick, easy, painless remedy to your situation. Peace to your heart and soul and may you find the personal strength to face your problem and bring it out in the open rather than avoid it as you are currently doing. Good luck
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You need to give her the ultimatum
1, Marriage counseling or Divorce
I agree with the user below me, She will never be ready to leave you because you are financially supporting her. The one thing you aren't doing is putting yourself first. Nobody should ever have to feel obligated to stay in a marriage for the other persons sake. You NEED to talk to someone whether that person be a therapist or a family member who can help support you.
To be truthful, This unfortunately may have been going on for a long time and it is just coming to you now. You need and should file for divorce, Next step would be to get yourself into counseling. Staying in a marriage like this will prolong your misery, You need to take the steps towards moving on.
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If you are providing for her in any way, like financially, that's probably the reason why she is not ready to leave you. Otherwise, I would be curious to know why do you think she is not ready to leave you? Are you sure it is not that maybe you aren't ready to leave her? By staying with someone like that, who's walking all over you and taking you for granted, you're putting yourself in a depressing, unhealthy place to be. She thinks she can get away with it and right now you are letting her. You cannot believe anything someone like that (a cheater) says. Trust me I have been where you're at. My ex cheated on me for two years. There were so many signs, and when I would ask him about my suspicions he would be very convincing and I would believe him. Cheaters are very good liars. You need to get away from her! I had to walk away from my ex and it was the best thing I ever did. I was in a miserable place with him, as I'm sure you are with her if you are drinking a lot. It's not worth it to stay in a relationship like that because you are just going to keep hoping she changes and she's just going to keep disappointing you. Walking away is scary, but I'm telling you from personal experience it will be the best decision you ever made because you will find someone else that will treat you way better. Yea you might have to be alone for a little bit but its better than where youre at now. Don't stay with her...she does not deserve you!!
If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. I just went thru something similar and it helps to have someone to talk to.
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