|
My step dad touches me. Please help
I want to tell someone but it will cause drama and they’ll think I’m lying & it will cause a lot of drama. I don’t want to be taken away from my brothers & sisters or something. My step dad touches me every time my mom isn’t around and I feel really uncomfortable around him & he’s really big so I can’t fight him. He puts his hands in my private areas & flirts and says all these disgusting things. When he touches me I just freeze up. I hate him. Sometimes I think about running away or over dosing my self but I really don't want so im asking for advice in telling my mom. I'm scared to tell my mom because her and him have been together for years and sometimes I feel as if she love him more than she loves me. When she’s not working, she’s partying or out of town gambling. I think she wishes she never had kids. My step dad has the power to lie on me and get me in trouble. It seems like my mother gives him more attention than she gives me. She gets designer clothes, bags from him. He has money so if she left him we would be homeless. I just want it all to stop I want him out my life and to life the rest of my life happy like it was before this all happen if that's possible. I cry my self to sleep at night and wish I wasn't me I want this to be the last time I do this so please give me advice on what to do
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
DO NOT GO DIRECTLY TO THE COPS. If you go to the cops without any evidence to show for it, there is a good chance that they will not listen or will listen to your mother and step father when they lie and say that you are lying about what has happened to you. There is a good shot that the cops will not prosecute if they think you are lying, and whether they think you are lying is almost completely out of your control without proof. So you need to take steps.
Step 1 is proof. This part is going to be hard. You need to record him. And you need to write things down.
First, the writing. Get a notebook at school. Write down in as much detail as possible, with locations, dates and times if you can, exactly what happened to you. Write down the order he did things, from walking in the room to leaving the room. Write down what he said, what he did, every single detail you can remember. Once you have written in the school notebook everything you can, hide it. I talk further below about finding a locker you can use which is not yours. Hide it in that locker.
When you are at home, make a second notebook. If he assaults you again, when he is gone write down everything he did just the same as you did at school. Hide this notebook well in your room if you think you can keep it hidden there. If you can't hide it in your room without it getting found, hide it somewhere else. Every time he does something to you, write it down in exact detail as much as possible.
Video would be difficult. It's harder to hide, you would need a camera that can record things that he will not see or check.
Voice recording only would be easier. You can't let him know you're recording him, you have to get him on record without him knowing you're doing it. There are phone apps that will record whatever they hear, and there are small voice recorders which can pick up very well which you might be able to find a way to buy for cheap.
Ideally, you tape a voice recorder somewhere it can clearly hear anyone in the room and test it, walking around the room talking in a normal tone of voice. Listen afterwards, and figure out how to talk so you're not too loud but it comes up clearly on the recorder. Set it up so that with a single button press it's recording, and wait for him to enter your bedroom at night. Hopefully the lights stay out. If you have siblings I assume that he comes to you when he knows he won't get caught, like when everyone is in bed.
It's dark, he comes in, you press the button in the dark and record everything he says. Make sure you don't have any background noise if at all possible. No music playing, no fans running, nothing that will add background noise to muffle what is said in your room.
The next part of the recording is to get him talking. Your goal is to get him admitting to what he is doing on the recording, and to be on the recording yourself saying what he is doing.
This is probably going to be the hardest part. You freeze, you have to unfreeze. Let's assume that getting set up to record might be difficult, that you have to get a recorder. Let's say he abuses you a few times before you can figure it out and get it set up. Start talking now, so that he's used to it when you are able to record him. If he tries to stop you from talking, do not stop talking. Even if he hits you, keep talking.
Start talking. Tell him to stop, and don't just tell him to stop, tell him "Stop doing X" with you explicitly stating what he is doing. "Stop taking my clothes off" and "Stop touching my vagina" Don't scream it, use the tone you practiced for the recorder. Say things a little slowly and clearly so that it picks up. Use his name constantly, whatever you usually use to address him. So if he's Stan "Stop touching my vagina, Stan" This is to identify him on the tape, and to hopefully get him to respond directly to his name somehow.
You can also ask him questions or make statements. You say he says disgusting things. As much as it's horrifying, try to get him to say those things. Remember to use his name? Still going with Stan.
- Why do you enjoy molesting me Stan?
- Are you ever going to stop doing this to me Stan?
- (At the start) What are you going to do to me, Stan?
- I want you to stop touching my ______ Stan.
If he gets to talking, let him talk. The point is to get him talking, not to start a conversation. It is imperative that you say his name on the recording more than once, that you explicitly state what is going on so there are no questions as to what is being recorded, and that you get him talking as well. Non video recordings are difficult to prove because you cannot see who is on them. You need to have both of your voices on the recording, need to have him say things that are incriminating on the recording.
Once it is over, be very, very careful. You need to get that recording out of your house and make multiple duplicates you can hide places. Burn it to multiple CDs if possible.
Hide one copy in your house in a closet or the attic or something, somewhere no one will look. On top of tall furniture where no one can see, somewhere you need to climb to get to works. Hide another copy or three outside of your house, perhaps at a friend's house or trusted Aunt's house or something, or somewhere at school you know no one will find. Not your locker, not any space that is directly tied to you. The more copies you have the better.
This is crucial. You need to be able to have them turn the house upside down and search every square inch, find the one you hid there, and not have that be your only copies of the recordings. You need to protect that evidence. Multiple redundant copies protects you, means they cannot erase every trace of what you just succeeded in doing.
One thing you might consider doing, get a combo lock (not a key, so no one can find the key and start thinking about lockers) and hide a copy in an empty locker which has nothing to do with you. Somewhere across the school from where you have your personal locker, in the gym locker rooms perhaps.
Next, it's time to find an ally family member. An Aunt or Uncle, grandparent, cousin. Someone who does not live in the house with you. No idea if this is possible, but consider all of your options. Who in your family would you be most comfortable telling? Who would be on your side? Find someone, talk to them about it, and bring the recorder with you. Let them listen to the recording.
Note: Remember that. Bring the recorder. Pretend that is the only copy of the recording you have. You protect your redundant copies by keeping them secret. Their purpose is a back up in case no one believes you or they try to destroy the recording. Treat the recorder like it's precious, do not let anyone take it from you if you can help it unless that person is a police officer. If someone does take it, if they delete the recording or destroy the recorder, you take a copy you stashed and you go to the police. Don't call the cops to your house. Either get yourself to a police station, or take the recording to a school counselor and directly ask them to call the police for you and get an officer down so you can turn the recording over to them. Remember, always have a backup. Lets say the recorder is destroyed, and you take a CD to the counselor. Make sure there is a third copy so that the CD to the counselor is not your only copy either. Make sure that you always have a copy of it in your hands somehow or somewhere that no one knows about so that if necessary you can make multiple copies again.
Back to your aunt or cousin or grandparent. You want them there when you tell your mother. It prevents her from hiding this so that her nice little party gambling life is not disrupted. You want your siblings there as well. Play the recording for your mother, siblings, and the family witness. Tell your mother you want to call the police and report him for rape/sexual assault.
If she says no, pick up the phone yourself and dial 911. If she tries to stop you, leave the house and call 911. Take a phone if you can, go to a neighbors house if you cannot. Do not go near the notebook or your copies hidden in the house. Just leave, you can grab those when the cops come and you tell them there is a notebook that you wrote everything down in. Oh, and remember copies? Take your school notebook to the library or somewhere else you can make copies of what you wrote, and make copies of the notebook and hide them with the notebook and the copy or copies of the recording. Have a stash of backup evidence at all times.
Once you call the cops, hand over all the evidence you have. The cops will likely want to question you, answer everything you can in the same kind of detail as the notebooks. The notebook, combined with the recording, combined with your testimony should be enough to put him in prison for what he's done to you.
Doing all of this will be hard, but this guy deserves to be locked up for what he's done. If you can't do the recording right away, still prepare to do it. Write in your notebooks, stash them in safe places, set up your school locker hidey hole that no one will know is a locker you use. Do not go to that locker when people are around if at all possible.
Remember at all times that proof is your protection, and so are witnesses. If you have a sibling who you think would absolutely be on your side, after you make the recording and get it out of the house (only after) while you are getting ready to duplicate it and take the next step, consider telling a sibling what happens and ask them to bust in on you while he is in there. A direct witness to the abuse will be more proof, and more protection. If you go to the cops with the notebook and recording and are willing to testify about what he's done, and a sibling of yours is ready to witness to the police that he or she saw your step father touching you, then you can put him in prison no problem.
Last, tell the police you want a restraining order preventing him from contacting you or coming anywhere near you. They should be able to do that.
Good luck.
:Edit:
Really last! Important!
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
This article explains why I told you to do all of this. There are three types of evidence which allow them to pursue these cases. Recordings, witnesses to the abuse, and **DNA**
Once you have your recording, there is one more scenario where you can go to the police directly. Lets say you have your recording but have not told anyone. Make your duplicates before you call the cops, no matter what.
Once the duplicates are made, if he abuses you again, you have the opportunity to offer DNA evidence. When the abuse starts, resist some. Fingernails scrape off a layer of skin if applied hard enough, he doesn't have to bleed for them to be able to tell that the skin under your nails is his. Remember exactly where he touches you, so you can tell the police and later the hospital.
When sexual assault is reported, one of the things they can do is called a rape kit. They look for evidence of his skin cells on your body. If he actually has sex with you, this is easy. He cannot hide that from a rape kit. If he sticks a finger inside your vagina, it's almost as sure. If he touches outside, remember exactly where so that they can test those areas to try to find evidence. If he hits you or otherwise leaves marks on your body, those are evidence of a struggle.
After he leaves, wait. Wait until you can call 911 without anyone noticing. Even if it's 4 am. Once you call the police, gather your notebook, the copy of the recording (or the recording device you still have), and go wait outside for the police to arrive. Once they get there, explain the situation and hand over your evidence, and directly state that you want to be taken in for a rape kit. Do not wait outside of your house where he can find you. Ideally, get a cell phone, and go a few blocks down the street. Somewhere that if they realize that you are gone, they cannot immediately find you. If you know your neighbors go to one of them. If you do not, go somewhere far enough away that they cannot see you. Tell the police exactly where you will be if you have to call from the house. If you have a phone, walk a few blocks and then read the address of the house you are near and give the police that address to let them know where you are so that they come to you before they go to your home. Do not give the police your home address until they come to you first and get that address in person.
Do not shower, do not change your clothes. Once he leaves, change nothing. Get a book or something to read and just wait, write the abuse down in your notebook, etc. Showering can destroy evidence. Your clothes are also evidence.
Delete your computer history. If you need help with this type your browser name (Chrome, Firefox, Internet Explorer, Safari) into google followed by "Delete all internet history" to find articles about how to make sure that this question is never found by your family before you can take action.
You may be worried about the impact on your family, about your mother's reaction, etc. That's normal. Do this anyway. It will take alot of guts, but posting this question alone took alot of guts. No matter what happens to anyone, none of it is your fault. You have a right to not be sexually abused. That right supercedes everyone else's right to not have their lives disrupted by this guy being thrown in prison.
And no matter what happens, remember these simple words.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. None of this is. It is not your fault that you are being abused. It is not your fault that taking steps to stop the abuse might fuck your family's life up. It is not your fault if your mother resents you for disrupting her nice little paid for life. It is not your fault that she married a sexual predator.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. People may well blame you. They may tell you that the results of bringing this out into the open are your fault. That is a selfish, shitty thing to say. We call that victim blaming. Telling a victim of a crime that they should have done something to prevent it. Telling them that they should have kept quiet and because they did not that what happens after is their fault.
Do not keep quiet. The results are not your fault. Every bit of fault, all the blame, rests on your step father. And anyone who tells you otherwise is doing so because they would rather you be abused and keep quiet and let it continue to happen than deal with the results of you standing up for your right as a person to not have anyone do anything to your body that you do not permit them to do.
Again, good luck. You need evidence to get him prosecuted. Evidence other than your own word. Get that evidence, protect that evidence, and show that evidence to police. Remember the three types of possible evidence. Recording him, having a witness to what he has done who will testify in court, and DNA. The more you have, the easier this goes. Get whatever you can.
]
Go to the cops, this is no way to live
]
More Questions: |