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My mom is driving me nuts!!
This all started 4 years ago when my father died. My parents had been married for 31 years. I was married at the time and the marriage was going south. It was an abusive relationship. When my mother moved in with me after my fathers death it was a good move. It gave me the stregnth to leave my now ex husband and my daughter and I were there to support her during her tough time. We leaned on eathother financially for a while. I got a better job and now am self sufficent. In the last few months things have gotten rocky. I have now found someone that I can see spending ther rest of my life with. We are taking things slow since we are both divorced. My mom started asking me "where are you going?, when will you be home? Are you going to eat?" then she started telling me how i could spend my money on my daughter. She thought since she paid about $250.00 in bills that she was entitled. Well, about a month and a half ago she decied to move and be near my brother and some of her friends. I was so happy. Finally my boyfriend and I could start working on us. Now she has decided to move back because she is not happy there either. She has a boyfriend here and she wants to hang out with him but not too much. I think she thinks its not ok because of my dad. We talked a few days ago and she said she didnt want to live with me and that she was going to move in with her BF. Last night she said she was moving back in with me!! Like the convo never happened. I dont want to hurt her but I doint want to live with her. I cant. She is too controlling. I am 35 and she is 68. She is in perfect health and so is her 74 yr old BF!! They both go to the gym everyday!! How can i tell her I dont want her to live with me without making her feel like no one wants her?
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I think the best way to handle this situation is the most direct way. You need not rehash any of the controlling ways she had before she moved out as this is not necessary.
What you tell her is something like this. Mom, I love you but you and I living together is not an option. I invited you into my home after dad passed because you needed me at the time and frankly I needed you and your strength to get my life in order. Things are different now. You're in good health and financially capable of living on your own. I am stronger now, have a better job and I am seeing someone I can see myself spending my life with.
If you were in ill health or financially capable of living on your own then things would be different and we would look at different living arrangements for you. Should you need a cosigner to get an apartment then I might be able to do that for you. Moving back in with me though is not right for either of us. We both need our own space and privacy.
Now of course you put all that into your own words. But the long and short of it is you are both adults. You both have your own lives and need your own private space. Your daughter does not need to see grandma spending the night with her BF or her BF spending the night with her, especially if you are working hard for her not to see you doing so.
You do not need your mother questioning your every move, how you spend your money or how you chose to raise your daughter. That is what was happening when she lived with you and will happen again if you allow her back in. You should avoid saying this unless it is a last resort to emphasize why you are saying no. You should be able to say no and rationalize it without going this far. If you can then I think even though mom might feel hurt it should not permanently damage your relationship with her for your reasons would be both sound and logical.
Good luck and stand your ground with mom for you are right to do so.
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I was in an abusive relationship too.
A lot of the abuse is verbal, physical, emotional and involves controlling the other individual. There is no pleasing someone like that. You can follow their wishes exactly as given, to a Tee, and yet they will still find fault.
You said Mom is too controlling. Do you mean by 'too controlling', that you would accept a lesser amount of controlling behavior from her?
Not intentionally being sarcastic, I just want to alert you to your choice of words, it may be an indicator of something.While your conscious mind says, "No, I won't take ANY controlling behavior, what is your subconscious mind thinking and believing? The sub is where all our emotions and feelings come from. Does it feel strong enough to make a stand with mom?
I hardly think your mom became controlling late in life after losing her husband and there was no controlling behavior there before. Something of what you may contribute to average normal behavior in a parent, just being loving, caring and protective could in fact have been controlling. I have no way to know. But you do. As we age, what ever negative personality issues a person has or even in the case of mental illness, I have observed in people I know well, get worse as they grow older. I cant explain why. So perhaps what you couldnt see in mom, while a child growing up is now being much more easy to see.
With each major lesson a soul needs to successfully learn, there comes a test sometime soon after where they are presented with a similar situation in which the lesson repeats. Your first successful break from an abusive, controlling person could have been a fluke...due to moms situation at the time, your subconscious isn't sure you actually had the strength on your own. Mom moved in and you stated " it was a good move. It gave me the stregnth to leave" If your strength came from mom, did you really have any of your own? Deep down you may not be totally sure. I thought I Was sure but I recognized the test when it came. I was scared, same old feelings and fears arose in me. It wasnt until I successfully made it thru the test that I have truly not just felt strong but been strong and in fact 2 exact months later met the sweet man Im not with cus one of the things he liked in me was my inner strength.
If you ask:Why does this matter? I have talked to countless people who have faced a major lesson in life, inner strength, forgiveness, overcome a fear, etc and I have seen a pattern. Each one had to face another similar situation which seemed it was to prove to them their victory. Those who did well in their test continued life without anymore signs of the same stuff reoccurring. Those who failed at their test, had a life that went back to the same old pattern making their one time success look like a fluke.
And this brings us to you and your situation with mom. There are no words you can say, gently and lovingly that will matter if she is controlling and has made up her mind, so you will have to be blunt and to the point with her.
You need to realize that she is in the wrong.
You must realize that mom or not, she is very rude to not ask if she can stay with you but just announce it to you. I do not know what you said when she announced it. If she did that with any other person she knows, they would look at her as if she'd lost her mind.
Just because someone is a blood relation does not exempt them from being rude, assuming, bossy, pushy, or what have you. And she is hoping to use the fact that she is your mom to wear you down, make you feel guilty, act like she is horribly hurt. She already has emotional influence on you cus you said, How can i tell her I dont want her to live with me without making her feel like no one wants her? I dont know what she said or did to get you to believe she'd even feel that.
First off its not factual. She's got a 74 yr old boyfriend who wants her. I'm sure the daughter wants a grandma in her life just not there every day. And of course you want her in your life, just not every day. YOur mom wants for some reason to place herself in your life every day or likely the ultimatum will be 'not at all'Put a limit on the time of a visit. 2 hours or whatever is reasonable, not a full day or overnight. The one night she'll try to stretch to more. Take your stand against mom firmly and let her throw her hissy fit or temper tantrum. You'll need to be the adult here and not cave in. Parents who do end up with kids who are brats. Its hard to feel like you have to be the adult when all of a sudden your parent isn't acting like one. Theres nothing wrong with a role reversal in this case. It must be done.
So what you say is, Mom I am grateful I had you when i made the break from my ex. I needed that help then. Things have changed. I am self sufficiant now and no longer need financial help. You have a new relationship and so do I. As adults there is no logical reason for you to live with me, not even financial. You chose to move back to the area and thats fine but I am not a hotel, motel, that you can just get a room and move into. (And here's the hard one where you need to be the parent and correct her)
No matter if you are family or not, It is just plain rude to invite yourself to live at someones residence without taking into consideration the other persons feelings on it. I love you but I AM putting my foot down. You will not be moving back in with me. THIS IS YOUR TEST GIRL! You can do it. She's not gonna give up easy, just like a kid wont when it time for bed, please cant I stay up longer, and they ask that til you think you'll crack. once in bed, they come up with dozens of flimsy excuses to get back out of bed, I'm thirsty, i had to pee, i'm hungry, i can't sleep, i heard a noise it scared me, theres a spider in my bed... lol it's exasperating when kids do it. Now you get to watch your mom do and she will, believe me...if shes been calling and checking up on you as she has, she'll have her royal fit. Dont back down...nope...not one inch. In fact, I would limit the phone calls too. If she calls a 2nd time in one day, you tell you can't talk right nowk, you're busy...no explanation needed. Shes the one intruding. If she tries to keep you longer on the phone and wont agree to say goodbye then "Mom I'm not trying to be rude but since you obviously wont mutually agree to end the call, I'm saying goodbye for the last time and hanging up. Dont wait for a response..dont give her a chance to get a word out....HANG UP! You are having to retrain a parent who has apparently gotten away with some form of controlling or manipulating behavior all her life. Give her an inch, she'll take a mile. Its much harder to retrain adults especially relatives. She doesnt think you're strong enough.
Keep in touch dear...if you need a pep talk along the way, just write me.
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