|
How do I get guys to not be so intimidated by me?!
15/f I'm a sophomore in high school and ever since last year guys have always taken notice of me. I knew I would get some attention from guys but I did not think I would get as much attention as I did. A lot of times, if I wasn't so laid back, I could reported it as sexual harassment or something because I didn't know many of them. But now I am friends with mostly all of them and they are all really great guys. anyway I hear things that guys say about as far as my looks and everything how I'm attractive and like I take it as a compliment but it bothers me that guys are so intimated by me. Guys that are older than me are hesitant to talk to me even though I know they want to talk to me and make conversation. I know it's normal for guys to get nervous around girls but guys are straight up like scared of me. I don't take shit from anyone, I'm confident, and I'm attractive to guys so I guess it does make sense to why guys are afraid because for example if I don't want to do something with a guy that I don't want to do I will tell them straight up no and I think they are just afraid of rejection but I'm not gonna change that part of me. But mostly they think I'm really cold but I'm not you just have to get to know me. I have trust issues with guys so I'm not the most outgoing flirtatious girl around guys I'm a little more reserved around guys and then one I get to know them I'll open up. But even a guy I hooked up(made out)with two weeks ago I saw him and he didn't say hi even though I knew he would've he's just afraid and I don't even know why. It's like I always have to make the first move and I'm kind of tired of it. How do I make guys feel not so intimated around me??
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Guys who are in high school and even barely out of high school are intimated by girls they find attractive. Even some of the most confident guys are afraid of rejection.
I went to college and a 21 year old guy talked to many people I knew and let them know he was interested in me but could not approach me. He's one of the most outgoing guys I know now.
Don't change who you are. In the end, if a guy really wants to get to know you, he will.
Also, instead of waiting for them to try to talk to you or come up to you and you already know they're interested, just go talk to them. They'll know next time that they can approach you and it shows them that you are interested too.
]
This is really the strangest part of being young. Boys your age will sit and stare at you for hours to the point that there staring can be seen as sexual harassment. They are so intimidated by how good you look that they fear try to talk to you or even asking you on a date for fear of rejection. Boys your age have a high rejection fear added to the natural intimidation they have with girls.
Now there are two things you can do about it other than just let them stare at you and wait for one of them to build up the courage to come talk to you. You can go talk to the boy or boys who interest you. In todays world it is even acceptable for you to suggest that you and he hook up and go someplace together. I use the words hook up rather than a date as the word date could be intimidating.
There is a better way to meet someone that is less intimidating and allows then, a boy or boys in this case, to get to know you in a more congenial and less intimidating manner. I'm sure you have things you like to do that may be supported by after school clubs or activities you can join. Maybe you are interested in art, music, hiking, camping, running, cycling or any other activity that boys and girls can do together.
Look for clubs or activities that you like to do that you can join or participate in. There are boys who have these same interests. Now what is good about these interests in what is called commonality. You both have something in common that breaks down the barrier that exist between the sexes regardless of age by the way. You have something you can discuss that is of interest to both of you.
Having something of interest that both of you are both knowledgeable in and can discuss allows each of you to get to know each other in an entirely different manner than you have been meeting people. You get a better insight to who this person is for the façade of the exterior person is removed.
The great thing about this way of meeting people is it works over and over again. It will work now and it will work when you go off to college. It is possible one of you parents will get a new job or transfer to a new location before you finish high school. This is a great way to make friends.
This is also how, when the time is right, you will meet that special person in your life. Sex appeal, outer beauty, is as the saying goes only skin deep. At some point you wake up and have to really talk to one another and find you have nothing in common. Is it not better to look for friends and that future special person by looking for someone you have more in common with than sex appeal.
]
I hear that it can be a bummer when all the guys who have interest in you are making comments or paying you attention because of your looks. How will you ever know if he likes you for who you are on the inside? Especially if they are too intimidated to talk to you.
What does not make sense is that a guy who you hooked up with, had to have felt some level of being able to approach you and be comfortable with you to get to that point. For him to feel intimidated afterwards...nope I dont think so. there has to been another reason he didn't talk to or acknowledge you.
Since you did not go into details as to what you would constitute as sexual harassment behavior from theses male classmates, I have no idea what to tell you. Lots of staring, winking, smiling, or complimenting you on your outfit or your hair, is innocent and perfectly harmless. On the other hand, sexual harassment involves unwanted and unwelcome words, deeds, actions, gestures, symbols, or behaviours of a sexual nature that make the target feel uncomfortable.
If the guys are saying things about your body parts, making statements as to what they want to do sexually to you, using hand symbols or body gestures that imply touching you intimately or having sex with you, doing the cat calls and whistles, etc... then this is sexual harassment.
I will assume that is whats happening.
Being a strong person with a good self image and not being affected by their actions and not protesting their harassment, could have unfortunately, contributed to your problem.
Let me explain.
It's possible that instead of intimidated, these guys you've now befriended are confused. Its not intentional of course, just how they may interpret the facts. Guys don't think the same as girls. On the one hand, you appear to them to eating up and enjoying the kind of attention they are giving because you don't protest or avoid any interaction with them...and yet you're saying no to whatever...whether its holding hands, kissing, letting him walk with his arm around you, or the hooking up or more.
A great amount of guys at this age are looking for their first sexual experiences, they are being hormone driven and so often the attention from boys will be limited to seeking out the pretty girls and hoping she loves the attention cus usually it means she'll be easy.
Not all the guys are like that. There will be guys who like you but have class and wouldn't act like the others and have more respect for you, your personality will matter more to them.
But these guys will also not approach you because they think they'd never have a chance, you already have a swarm of guys you can pick from, likely the jocks and more popular outgoing guys.
You stated you are more reserved, slow to warm up and befriend. I think that if you were going to continue to have to make the first move (thats just the way it is at this age range) then It might be best to study the guys who don't make themselves obvious and flock around you. Start watching the quiet guys, maybe those who seem like nerds or just shy. They may be slow to warm up, not have as confident a self image yet as yourself, so they will not approach you. But if you are attracted to one of these guys and approach him as a friend and show your genuine interest in him, he will open up and become one of the best male friends and maybe romantic interest you could get.
The others think you are cold because they haven't really bothered to get to know you. Likely all their interactions with you are at a surface level.
If you are confident, then you will not like a guy who isn't confident.
If you feel these guys are all being nice and its not a sexual thing with them, then you can keep trying. When you talk to them next though, let em know that you don't like friendships where the effort is always one way. SAY THIS: For a friendship to work, it requires constant effort from both sides. I am tired of being the only one having to make an effort. And yet you hang around near me and give off signals like you are interested in me. If your interest is skin deep, then you can run along now and leave me alone. If you are interested in building friendship first, getting to know who I really am, and appreciating the me that is inside of me, then I will welcome you into my world. Don't be surprised if every single one of them backs away. Or if only one is still sticking around.
If you find none of your current male admirers want to put in the effort, then start checking out the quiet ones who try to remain hidden and don't seek the attention. They are still males and some of them may actually really like you...all of you. I've got the nerd type guy for a husband. He's quiet and doesnt smile and looks intimidating to a stranger. But once he opens up to you, all traces of being reserved are gone, his sense of humor comes out, he is very chatty with me and friends but quiet with strangers, very loving and supportive. So don't go by first impressions...and you just might find a jewel.
]
More Questions: |