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We have been together for two years in person and we both believe we are still far from over we have been out 2times and still end up 2gether,we hav not one of us been moviing on or searching for a new mate,we went trew some rought times together i had to let go but he told me that when we are back together things must be diffrent,so we have been in a rought time together,i dnt want to quite he is i believe in a bad sitiution and he was molestrated when he was young cause he is used to being the guy giving up his luck to keep others happy and h needs help i know i might be wrong but i think that i need to get him out of that place somehow what must i do he says his back in the house but doesnt want to tell me wher well that was in the beggining i think i got trew to him i just need to talk to him in person.
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When you said the following: he told me that when we are back together things must be diffrent,
the warning bells went off in my head. I come from an abusive relationship so certain phrases and words will stand out. From my perspective, I see it as a possibility that his statement was an announcement to you that YOU will need to change or make adjustments for the relationship to work. Maybe thats not what he meant but you also wrote that he was molested when young and who knows what other non loving, abusive behavior. Children have coping mechanisms that allow them to bury the memories and events that are terrible until they become adults and are no longer dependant on someone for care but have the ability to take care of themselves and have concern for their own welfare. The issues of the past then begin to surface as an adult and often people are afraid to get counseling and help to learn how to deal with it properly because of a fear of revisiting the pain of the memories so they go through life needing an outlet for their pain and anger and it comes out directed at those closest to them.
I stayed with my ex for 30 years. As a Christian, I believed that my unconditional love for him, and my prayers would bring the healing he needed, that all he needed was someone to Be There for him in order to bring the help he needed. Maybe, in two out of a hundred such people, someone being there for them will help cus their case is not as extreme plus they are in a spot where they are asking for help and healing.
But in most cases, someone loving and caring like you will be wasting your time trying to fix things for someone. You are not a professional. And even a professional can not help until he is ready and looking for help and sometimes that takes hitting rock bottom in his life. To hook up with someone like that knowingly, and giving up control to someone who is not emotionally healthy, you risk having your life taken down to rock bottom along with him. So be careful if you decide to get together with him again. If he is asking you to change who you are to be right for him, LEAVE! No one should ever change who they are naturally to be right for the other person. Changing a bad habit of dropping dirty clothes on the floor to put it in the clothes hamper is one thing. But being told to be more quiet and less talkative, to change something about your personality, or being told that you are not good enough to follow your hopes and dreams, being told to give up, is very wrong. If deep inside, your gut feeling is that something is not right and you have an uncomfortable feeling but dont know why, its best to end the relationship.
Thats all I can give for advice.
I know you may care enough to want to change his life for the better but your first and most important focus is to yourself. It wasn't until I got to the point where I learned to love myself enough to remove myself from a bad relationship, that things got better for me. The ex is still an unhappy creature and has gotten worse, found another woman who has low self esteem who lives with him, he has been verbally abusive to our 3 grown daughters since I left and non of them want anything to do with him either now. It is sad but the majority of human like staying in the rut they are in because its comfortable and familiar and change is scary to everyone. Theres not a one of us who likes change and so very few will change and improve in one life time let alone in several if you believe in reincarnation. Some lessons take lifetimes to learn for this one reason.
Your decision is still your own to make but hopefully I've given you more to think about. YOu sound like a wonderful loving person. Hopefully he can appreciate you as such. If not, don't waste time with him. It may seem a very unloving thing to give up on someone but keep in mind that there are layers of importance and that loving actions must fall in a certain order.
That bible verse where Jesus says to Love god with all your heart soul and mind and then "to love your neighbor as you love yourself" should be a guideline that we follow. But the last part is tricky, the word neighbor or 'fellow man' comes before the word, 'yourself' so we automatically think we need to love others over and beyond loving ourself, that love for ourself comes second. But thats not what the verse is saying. What it does say is that until you are able to fully love yourself and put your best interests first, that you are not in any condition to be able to love another person.
Good luck dear.
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