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Constant worry shame about never been in a relationship/lack of sexual exp.
So I'm in a bit of an unusual situation. I'm 26 years old and I have never been in a relationship, I'm not a virgin, having lost my virginity on a one night stand when I was 23 just because I was tired of being a virgin and wanted to see what the fuss was about but since then I have not wanted to do it with anyone. It's not for any moral or religious reasons, it's just that I've never really had to desire to get with anyone beyond kissing and I have been out of work and college the past two years so I haven't had the most normal social life beyond going out clubbing over the past while. Plus I've always been highly independent and have never really met the right person who wasn't attached already. Just recently I started thinking about it all and I can't get it off my mind atm, it's like every thought is "oh but wait you've never been in a relationship or had much sex, you're a freak" It's like I'm filtering everything in life by how much relationship experience I've had and my sex life! It's just a crazy thinking habit that kinda perpetuated over one evening and now for the past 3 weeks I’ve felt so depressed and the constant mental nagging keeps coming back! I also started an advanced entry into a university course the day after all this started and all I can think about is this my lack of relationship and sexual experience and I think that everyone on my course if they find out will think I'm a big freak (And I'm obviously a bit anxious around them since they all know each other already and I'm the newbie so I'm feeling like an outsider)I don't know what I can't get my mind to stop thinking about it and it's making me feel so depressed! It's almost as if it's an obsession but even when I rationalize it all out I still can't get a peace it's like I'm so deeply ashamed about my lack of relationship and sexual experience I hate myself over it, I can't forgive or accept it. It's only since uprooting it as I said I never really let it affect me before (I just ignored/suppressed the fact I'd never been with anyone) and now I've become so down on myself and can think of nothing else and just feel depressed and like I don't care about life at all. My mind is just filled with this thought. I also atm find myself checking men out more than I ever have before. And keep feeling attracted to men all time and am really paranoid it will be obvious that I am not that experienced and am very frustrated (someone had made snide remarks b4 that me checking out everyone means I'm frustrated, "saying gawd, has it been that long?" I'm just fixated on this and I can't let it go, is there any advice ppl cud give me to help me get on with my life! I have a feeling it may not be revolved around my relationship issues but it may just be that I'm the type of person who fixates and thinks too much (I’ve had other mental obsessions in the past and a fixation with thoughts and anxiety) and I just happened to choose this aspect of my life to worry about maybe! It literally fills my head all day long and I just wanna be at peace!
Any advice on what to do would be really appreciated!
Thanks so much!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
So sorry to hear about your struggle. But yes, I'd have to agree that you already know you're causing your anxieties and so it grows into a downward spiral. Your subconscious mind is your worst enemy right now. The trick is to retrain your mind to catch each negative thought as it comes into your mind and say to yourself, I reject that thought and then replace it with a positive thought.
The positive thought may only last a few seconds before you are bombarded by the next negative thought. You will find it exhausting work mentally to do this all day long but if you can do this daily all day long, eventually, the positive thoughts will hang in there longer before the negative ones come back, and then eventually after weeks, even months, you will realize that the majority of your thoughts are positive.
Just an aside, there is no way a guy can know whether you have much sexual experience or not. Some cant even tell when a gal is faking orgasm. Most women who have had sex have never had anything but clitoral orgasm from masturbating, non from men. Mostly cus men have never bothered to study and learn how to give it to women and women know very little about their own body.
So my advice while you work on your thoughts, if you aren't alrady doing so, is study all you can about your body and how it works and the same for mens bodies. Too many engaging in sex, know very little, have intercourse and think thats all there is to it. You're actually a perfect age to study up on it and get ready with confidence. Then once you are no longer sending out the self defeatist vibes that guys may have picked up on... you will find that more guys are attracted to you. If you want to take it easy in the beginning and get the sexual needs taken care of and later be concerned with finding the kind of guy to marry, don't feel bad...its very important to get our sexual needs taken care of. So you might be upfront with guys you're sexually attracted to and tell them upfront that you just want to be friends with benefits...(the sexual benefits,) it means you are not commiting to a dating relationship yet. Every guy like every woman has things they like and dont like. Read books on sensuality. Men like being touched too, their skin stroked everywhere on their body and their genital touched and caressed, not talking even about oral sex yet. So start your research on line, and buy books. Learn what you can. If you'd like some links to sites I think may be helpful, let me know by writing to my column and posting there. Good luck.
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