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How to manage the situation
Mine is a love marriage having grown up girl(23yrs) and a boy(21yrs. My husband loved a girl opposite to his house. But somehow both could not express each other though they know they love each.After 28 years he met her. She is also married having two grown up boys. He is completely swept by her charm and confessed me that he married me out of conceit. But till he met her he was sincere and honest and very loving and caring. Now he talks to her from his office. She is going to visit us with family in a couple of weeks. Though I found her friendly, unable to digest that my husband talking to her. She also expressed "she shares him with me" which annoyed me very much. Few months back we went to meet her (on my husbands interest). I was totally shattered the passion and love they have for each other. I am unable to stop him, at the same time I cannot take it easy. She is of course very friendly with me. What to do? He says he just treats her like a friend but shows lots of concern towards her. His concern for her makes me jealous. He is 51, me 47 and she 45. I know at this age physical attraction may not be there. All these years he was very close to me but he and she are very possessive for each other. When I talk to her I too feel friendly. But she can not take certain things like my husband showing love to me or supports for any reason. Please advice how to handle the situation.
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When you said: I love my husband more than I love myself, I hope you only said that out of feeling hurt and that it is not true.
If you do not love yourself, you will find your identity in children, a mate, job, anywhere but inside of you where it should be. Therefore if something happens to take husband or children away like death, you feel you lose your identity because you were living your life through them, not experiencing it for yourself. My first bit of advice is that you find your own inner strength, re-discover who you really are. If you can feel totally fulfilled and love yourself, then it will be easier to deal with your situation and not feel it reflects bad on who you are.
Next, I would like to mention that with his comment that he married you out of (conceit), I think you meant pity, but no matter what word, any word will be less than the one that matters, marrying you out of 'love'. So there is already a problem. If I understand correctly, that divorce is a shameful thing in India, and even if allowed, you would need some kind of support if you were single again.
In America, we talk about people reaching an age where they have their 'mid-life' crisis. I think it happens to people all over the world. It especially happens when a person made decisions in their life when young, that went against where their heart was really at, this can be in relationships, or a choice for job/vocation and suddenly they reach an age when they no longer want to go against who they are inside, no longer want to deny it, and want to stop living the pretend life where they changed who they were to fit what was expected of them or where they did not try hard enough to get what it was they wanted. I discovered at 48 that my husband was never in love with me..he finally admitted it, but he was also verbally abusive the whole marriage so when the kids became adults, I left him. I am now remarried to a wonderful man and experiencing real love for the first time in life.
You went against the social norms once, I don't know if it can be done again. Whether your husband ever gets a change to be with her or someone else like her in real life is not the issue, the issue is that he is not in love with you. I know it hurts to finally learn that. But it is better knowing the truth so you can make some decisions for yourself based upon that truth.
His sisters are older and so they can see that no good will come of this. While an occasional conversation with someone of the opposite sex is normal in marriage, to crave the emotional, mental, soul connection to another person means there is no more marriage, only in law and on paper, but no longer in his heart.
Put yourself in his shoes, if you made his mistake and married someone you should not have married and you realize you can no longer go on pretending, wouldn't you want to find a way to remedy your situation? Your husband thinks that doing what he is doing is going to help him cope. All it will do after this initial good feeling of being relaxed and happy is become a demand inside of him for more. He will want more and more. Whether he ever would have sexual relations with her, who knows. But he will now realized he is no longer happy with what he has with you.
There's nothing wrong with you. Please understand that two very nice people can be together but not be right for each other because the type of spark of romance, or chemistry as we call it is missing for both people or felt only by one. that is not enough for the couple to be happy til the day they die. Your children are young yet and have not enough life experience to know better, they mean well but you can't go by what they say.
I would have a talk with the husband.
Since he married you for the wrong reason, you want to make a deal with him. How about if you both start looking for another partner. He could look for a woman who is much like the lady he is in love with. She is in love with him too or wouldnt have a problem with him showing you attention. She married the wrong man too. Whether she leaves her husband for yours, the issue here is how you get yourself out of this situation. Will the social laws in India I know its not easy.
So perhaps, you and husband could agree to date to find new partners and then once you both have found them, then make the separation legal, I hope there is divorce in India. If not, you could always become a domestic partner with someone who is in love with you and do so for the rest of your life. But the problem here is getting your husband to admit that this is what he wants in the end. He may not have thought it out beyond the good feelings he gets from her. Show him some sympathy...everyone deserves to be with someone who really loves them. Tell him that you want him to be happy and understand that you aren't the one who can do it. So whether he ever gets the chance to live the rest of his life out with the other woman, he needs to at least make those steps...be willing to support you in your search for a new partner and maybe be willing to give you his opinion of them. Just because he made a mistake doesnt mean that he can't spot a problem with another guy. If he was willing to see you off happy with another man, the reasoning here is that he is now single so that if the other married woman is so much in love with him, it is more tempting for her to now leave her husband to move in with your husband and become a new couple.
I know it sounds crazy...but I am not well versed on whether you have an real legal ways to accomplish this.
I wish you my best. This is not a time to comtemplate suicide, ending your life. Because you may be throwing away a chance to experience the best of life yet to come.
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