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Dad is criticizing me- my relationship is over with him
Please pardon me as this is a bit long although I have tried to keep it as brief as possible.
I am a 27 year old working woman.
My problem is how my aging dad treats me.
I do not like how he taunts me on things that hurt a lot. For example, I had once lost my job four years ago although I never had a problem getting a good job after that.
Funnily though, since then, if I were to for example, disagree with my dad on something and talk strictly with him over the phone if he is adamant on something he wants me to do which I do not want to, or if we disagree on something and he is constantly arguing, then he would start telling on how I got fired once from my job and that if I continue arguing like this, I will keep getting fired.
Even the world wants to forget my embarrassing incident that took place four years ago but he is the one who keeps reminding me of the same. And I am saying this IS a taunt and not an advice from a father because he only says these things when I slightly raise my voice to him being adamant on something I have to do.
When I mean "raise my voice", I don't yell or anything but just an irritated type of my tone of voice is what I mean.
On another occasion, he started the same taunt when I said "I do NOT want to eat" when he started to insist that I should eat more of a lunch item that mom had prepared when they came to see me at my place for five months. He kept insisting on the food and I got irritated so I just said "No".
I mean I was getting frustrated when he insisted on me eating more when I had enough of it.
To my "No", my mom jumped in and told my father "Good, you should not have forced her to eat in the first place and hearing the same, he started telling "This is the way you speak in front of your office colleagues and that gets you fired". Wha! What does he even think about himself?
Seriously, I am done talking to him since he keeps broaching that old rotten topic up. He is still at my apartment visiting me for three months and I do not maintain proper communication with him. I can't if it doesn't come from my heart.
I wanted to also touch base on another fact that happened 15 years ago. I was at home and so was my dad. I had gone to the washroom. In a few moments and surprisingly enough, the washroom started shaking!! It was an earthquake!
I could hear my dad shouting "Come out of the washroom we have to go downstairs".
I was doing number two and couldn't not come out right then and there. I said I am coming in two minutes. Can't even believe he actually told me then that he is going to the elevators himself and in fact, he actually left the apartment in the 16th floor without me - which really shocked me!
What if the building had collapsed? Is that acceptable for a dad to leave their children alone in a time of crisis?
I am sure when I got out of the apartment, I got my pet with me (thinking just in case, the building indeed collapsed).
I was v young at that time so I started giving him the benefit of the doubt trying to give no importance to it all but the fact is he acted very selfish at that time.
I think the combination of these all, his earthquake behavior and then these taunts together can't be taken anymore.
Basically with these taunts, I think he is trying to tell me to tone down or else he will keep taunting me about a thing that hurts me so much.
Although what really is happening here is that he thinks in his mind that it was just MY fault in that firing because of my general nature and he has told me this numerous times in the past that it is my mistake.
My dad needs to know that TIME has passed since that incident and that I have been holding better jobs since that incident so he has no right to keep taunting me of that incident over and over.
Each and every employment problem (even current ones) I innocently share with them and he taunts me for that and blames me for anything stressful situation!
Even if he is a guest at my apartment, I am leaving him alone to his own devices - my mom is obviously there with him to give company.
He is free to stay, eat, sleep, exercise and watch TV at my expense but besides that I cannot put up a facade and talk to him when that is not coming from my heart. I do not talk to him to avoid confrontations altogether.
On another level, I truly think my relationship with him is over.
I would love opinions on whether I am doing the right thing or not by avoiding him to bring peace upon myself.
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First of all, thank you so much Adviceman and Dragonflymagic for your time and energy in replying to my concern!
In my case too, I think my dad wants an upper hand in all arguments and this is why he uses such a painful memory to win. OMG, Cant even believe fathers can do that!
I thought it was not good to talk about your failures to say not-so-close friends and acquaintances and in some case, non-immediate relatives because they might capitalize on my weakness if needed - but here you go - my own father taunting me! Unbelievable how people can sometimes turn to be. This is so hurtful.
I wanted to also share that my brother's wife does not talk to my dad because he criticizes her as well. My brother somehow managed to have a minimum superficial level of contact with him.
My brother is very thick skinned though and so, he can maintain a conversation in a way that does not allow dad to poke more into his life let alone criticize him. I am not at all like my brother. I think and act from my heart; if it does not come from heart, I dont do it.
The reason why my parents are here is because they have come to visit me from India. We are Indians originally although I am here for a very long time.
I invited them for a long five months out of the six months of their visitor visa.
First of all, I must admit that I initially invited only my mom however, my dad insisted that he must come here as he will have nothing to do in India as he is retired and will get bored.
I initially invited only my mom first because of the same old reason - to avoid him as he always tries to grab my attention, always wanting me to stay near him and entertain him, interrupting me if I am along in my room doing my thing etc. If he is here, my privacy is just gone. There is no such word like privacy, he makes sure I am never alone in my room- which was seriously annoying.
Since my dad insisted he should be invited too, I thought I will try again by asking him if I can invite just mom for just two months (instead of the five months) and he denied insisting he wants to come here. He got so angry when I invited just my mom that he started teasing her every time saying she is so eager to go to US to visit me that she does not think how will he feel and bla bla.. Since my mom is VERY timid and scared person, she does what he asks her to do. There was no way she would have come here without him as he didnt want that.
See, she admits he has been jealous of her since the time of their marriage.
He has other annoying habits: If I give my mom money for her expenditures including shopping, he makes sure she spends it on HIM and not on her shopping - although he gets a very generous amount of monthly retirement as such. He just cant tolerate her having money so he makes her spend it on him and she obeys out of fear.
What happened though is that I gave my dad the benefit of the doubt thinking he will not behave the same rude way as he does over the phone and in the past, and eventually invited both of them together for five months. However, even in this current visit, his behavior towards me was devastating.
I mean, I make sure he gets all amenities here - whatever he wants - but he cant take care of this one precious thing of mine - my self esteem! I feel like a failure after talking to him.
Yes, the confrontation with my dad the same day he had teased me did not go very well - as predicted. I wish I had consulted you all earlier so that way I could have avoided the confrontation and his denial. He was just not admitting to any fault of him at all - which I think is typical of him.
I admit that counseling will not work for him - it wont- I know him - he did not even admit to his fault and instead blamed everything on me. I have decided to limit my contact with him. I know he feels awkward these days and although I ideally would loved to have a healthy conversation with my dad, this is not an ideal world and the normal talk is just not going to happen again - I have just given up on him - I dont think he is not going to change no matter what I attempt to do.
Yes he attacks all people possible including my mother. In fact, she is the primary person he attacks, followed by me.
My mom indeed tries to mend things between me and dad but sometimes, she secretly admits that she feels a bit relieved (and rather happy) seeing my dad getting "punished" because I am not talking to him anymore. She feels this way because he used to threaten her with divorce if she ever argued with him and at that time and in India, divorce was rather shameful so she was petrified by that thought. Although she does tell me sometimes that she wished she left him if she was more bold.
I think writing to him is an effective idea and will hopefully work for me. I plan on doing that once he gone from my home by this year end.
Once again, I truly appreciate both of your insights into my situation; I think it is insightful to get advice from someone who has experienced something similar.
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I agree that the best thing is to write your dad rather than confront him face to face. I have know several difficult people like that including my ex. The moment they hear something they don't like in a conversation, they will point the finger at you and try to bring up faults, imagined or real or as in your case, he can only find one real fault.
My ex did that. What I discovered from a counselor friend is that it is a defense mechanism in people with mental issues or behavorial problems, to be actually painfully aware of their own shortcomings which may outnumber the person they verbally attack. But they will always point the finger at others to take the attention off themselves so others will not have the chance to discover that they have a much worse problem than the person they attack.
It sounds like a classic case of that scenerio with your dad. Counseling didnt help my ex and therefore Im no longer with him.
Your dad doesnt sound like he's in a place to go for counseling himself let alone admit he needs it.
So the only thing I can think of is to find ways to limit your contact with him. All my adult daughters limit their contact with dad for the same reasons. I don't understand why they are staying extended with you unless they lost a place to live. If you are honest with yourself, he's been like this long before your one screw up, and someone like that never attacks just one person. Likely your mom for some reason has decided to put up with this all her life. She gets the same treatment, you just may not see it.
So follow advicemans advice cus in your case it really is the best. It may seem cruel and heartless if Dad doesnt correct his behavior and you find yourself in the position of having to enforce the limitations and carry out the boundaries you stated. Perhaps mom is allowed to visit but he is not. And he is told to leave and find a place to go by such a date or you will call police to come remove him. Hopefully it doesnt become that nasty. What is important is that you understand how important it is to love yourself enough to not subject yourself to such treatment and behavior when there is a choice. The fact he is blood relative doesnt mean you cant protective yourself emotionally from his treatment. He will have to learn that there are consequences to his actions.
Mom is another story. Who knows how she will react. Obviously she is going to feel torn. But because she's found a way to stay with him all these years, she may continue to be willing to overlook and try to pressure you to mend things with dad. And you'll have to be firm and state that they aren't mendable. While humans can make some astounding changes for the better in their lifetime, the majority of us do not because change is scary. What you see is likely what you get for life. Mom may decide she isn't willing to see you either then and side with dad. If she does, I would say there's a chance she is dealing with some issues of her own. I feel badly for you dear. Well, we can't choose our family but we can choose our friends and "adopted" family. I have had a few other mother figures enter my life at a time when My own mother stopped speaking to me for a year over an imagined offense on her end. There are many precious people to meet and allow into your life as family. It will be more his loss than yours in the long run.
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This is a extremely hard question to deal with even though I have experienced very similar problems with my own father. In fact I could be writing this letter in your place before my dad passed away.
The difference between you situation and mine is my dad did not live with me, he lived on his own and depended more on my sister for care and other support he might have needed. While I won't go into what happened between us to cause the final straw it had more to do with him insulting my wife and hurting my son. You see that is what my father did, he attacked for the flanks. For over ten years prior to his death I cut off all contact and communication.
It was harder on my sister than it was on me. For at holiday time she could not invite both of us to her home at the same time. I told my sister to invite her father for the holiday and my family would celebrate on our own then afterward our two families could get together. My father was probably quite pleased he won a round causing a rift between me and my sister. He didn't and I so informed him in a very long letter where I brought every time he hurt me from the first time I could remember to the last time. I also reminded him of what he stole from me.
You do not say why your parents are visiting with you. There must be a reason you can't say to them that they have outstayed their welcome and to ask them to go home. Though when they do leave I suggest you take the one page out of my book and write your dad a letter similar to what I wrote my dad. Tell him how hurtful he is and how you do not appreciate dragging up old events to hurt you with. While you're at it you can drag up the fact that he left you alone during an earthquake and how scared you were. Yes you can ask him what type of parent does that.
You should add that if he cannot be civil with you. That if he not constantly bring up old events. Then he is not welcome in your home, and yes remind him that you are an adult now. That as you get older you mature just as he did and problems that may have occurred in the past you have learned from; as adults are suppose to.
The reason I am suggesting you write to your father is in order to avoid someone they have to know they are being avoided. With my father I had to tell him I wanted nothing more to do with him. His favorite way punish us all through childhood was not to speak to us until we apologized to him even if he was wrong.
I cannot tell you why your father does what he does. I can tell you my father did this because he would not allow us to win against him. He has to come out on top regardless of what the situation was. He could not bask in our glory, he had to find someway to top us.
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