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One friend in group stopped talking to me?
This is such an old story. I'm writing here to get insights and to just externalize a few things that I've been holding in. I'll try to be as concise.
Basically, Mary has stopped talking to me. We were college teammates and graduated in 2012. I'm from a big city, different part of the country from where we went to school. About five of my teammates have ended up in the city over the years. We weren't closest of friends while in school, but we had a typical teammate bond and we get together periodically, some get together with every few weeks. Mary and I hung out EVERY WEEKEND and texted daily for four months until she overnight stopped talking to me 3 months ago. We didn't see each other until a group event a few weeks after she stopped talking to me, and there, she acted completely 'normal'--apologizing for not responding to emails. She apparently lost her phone, didn't have internet for a few weeks, changed email clients, thought she emailed me but didn't send--there were so many inconsistencies.
Ever since, she's been attached to another girl from our group and has ignored me. I'll make clear here that I emailed her a couple of times and texted once or twice and that's it--I wasn't sending her a thousand messages cluelessly. Recently I was talking to another teammate "Jenna" who just moved here and she said Mary did the same thing with her. She felt like they were somehow in a relationship that had a bad break-up. But neither of us know what the deal is. When we see Mary, she acts normal in a group context, but in a way that makes us feel like we had not been spending the past x amount of time in constant closeness to Mary.
It's just bizarre. How would you all approach this situation? I'm going to continue being around Mary and I really want to address it. But she won't respond to me. I don't want to create drama within the group, which is why I haven't said anything to the others besides Jenna (who confided in me first) and why I haven't confronted her the only times I've seen her, which are in the group element. I'm don't expect to become friends again. I just want to tell her how she's made me feel, because I'm at a point where I dread any situation where I'll see her.
Thanks for any insight.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
One reason for taking ones attention off a close girlfriend is if you are in a new romantic relationship and all your attention is going to it. But I have a feeling that's not the case, especially since Jenna said the same thing.
So perhaps knowingly or unknowing, she has issues with becoming too close to anybody, friends, family...and it could stem from something she has experienced in her past. So while she may seem and act fairly normal, this only comes up when her subconscious mind (which is where all our emotions and feelings are stored) feels like you're getting too close and caauses her to back away and find excuses to not spend time with a person.
Or...I just had one bizarre thought, she could secretly be a gay or bi sexual female. If she were aware of this and okay with this, then you and your friends may likely have figured it out by now. But that may not be the case if she herself hasn't figured it out yet, or if she suspects she is but is afraid to entertain the thought, that could explain why she would pull away. And if that were truly her case, she could be pulling away because subconsciously she picked up that neither of you are bi or gay. Or perhaps once she feels attraction that goes beyond friendship, she cuts it off with females rather than face the fact that she is gay or bi. I am not a psychologist and neither are you. As long as she is happy with her life as it is and what she is doing is not harming any other person, then don't worry about it. Just be as friendly or civil as you need to be if in customer service and coming into contact with the public. In such a position, you don't have to like how the person treats you, or even have to like them in general, but you must be generally friendly, refrain from telling them that they are wrong or that they aren't being nice to you, and helpful and do whatever the job requires but don't bend over backwards trying to spend time with someone like that. If she has some personal issues that cause her to detach from relationships, she's not going to believe you or know what to do with you telling her how she made you feel. Your words will have about as much affect as a feather would in knowing down a brick wall. It won't help her if she isn't ready to face it and improve. She will figure it out on her own someday and try to change on her own or seek professional help if needed. You can't hurry up the process because you care or cared about her. We all mature and change at a rate we are comfortable with and won't take advice or friendly counsel until we are ready. We are ready when we are asking for help such as you have done by writing here.
You don't have to dread any situation where you will see her. Just don't invest yourself to the extent you did before. Be friendly, hi how are you when you run into her but think of her as a buddy of your friends (other than Jenna) whom they drag along with them. Lets say Jenna made a new friend who starts to hang with you guys and you don't like the person because she is very snotty towards you. You cant tell Jenna not to bring the friend to a "group" event. So the solution is to not go to anything where it is a group hang out thing. So you could let your friends know you'd like to do something with them individually, one at a time, not trying to see all 3 or 4 without Mary present. But just one on one doesnt exclude 'just Mary'..its a different thing, I hope you see that. If your other friends want to know why you no longer want to meet as a group, you can put the blame on yourself and say that you have outgrown the friendship with Mary so you don't find it mutually rewarding to be with her anymore. No other explanation is needed. And if truth be told, you really have outgrown her...she is stuck...not wanting to talk about the issue and you are wanting to resolve it as mature adults and move on. But remember not to point the blame on what she is doing wrong. You may or may not be believed and if the others are still blind to what Mary is doing, they will only think that you are being unfair and childish or something. I know its not easy hon. But we have no control over the actions of others, only over our own selves. If you are not having fun, you're doing it wrong. Thats a saying with great truth to it. It life is becoming a drag, or what you are doing, or even if the guy you're in relationship with, doesn't bring joy, peace, and just flow naturally, if its no fun...and you dread something...like Mary, or a job, etc... then it's time for a change. A change for your sake so you don't lose your joy in life and become over stressed. Good luck dear
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