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dating a guy who is twice my age for sociological research purpose...
[ /!\ sorry for my mistakes, english is not my mothertongue]
So... I'm a girl and I'm 20. Recently, during a "literary event" I ran into a guy I had first met a few years ago. He is twice my age. I have always liked him because he was nice and interesting, but I have never been attracted by him in any ways. He asked me to have a drink with him and he insisted a bit. At first I was worried because I felt it was going to be weird (I mean come on, he is forty !) but my best friends were like "no, it's totally ok to go, don't be paranoid". So I went. And the simple innocent drink transformed into a 6 hours "almost date" with lots of ambiguous moments. He invited me to dinner in a restaurant, we talked a lot, he wanted to offer me a rose (which I refused), etc.
I was wondering if he was really interested by "me", or by the fact that I'm younger, or even worse the fact that I am simply a woman ? (in other words, is he desperate ?) I lack self-confidence, which is also probably the reason why I accepted to have a drink with him. Even though I gave him lots of negative signs (i kept "escaping" when he touched my shoulders or when he took my hand), I wasn't brave enough to simply go and he asked me again two days after that (I refused).
I'm only hesitating about this because I have some curiosity towards him... he seems to epitomize the average man in his forties that hasn't been married, that is a bit desperate, that dislikes his job, etc. I have so many questions I want to ask because I want to find out who he really is, what he thinks (not only about me, but about his life, his achievements, etc.) It's almost a sociological interest.
Even if I'm dying to discover all these things and to investigate (it's also because i'm in holidays and i'm bored, let's face it haha), I know that I can't have these information without letting him come closer... I'm not afraid of him, I don't think I would be putting myself in "danger", but I'm afraid this might raise his hopes / expectations... Is it immoral to accept to see him again ? is it cruel to led him into thinking I might be interested in a relationship when I'm not ?
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I dont know how much dating you've done before now, if any. But I'd like to give you a good perspective about relating to the opposite sex, friendships, dating, and relationships. No one is born just "knowing" how to understand the opposite sex. Since everyone had their own differing personalities, some more quiet some more outgoing, introvert vs extrovert, and other differences, you won't do as well with one as with another. Think about girlfriends and what type of females you made friends with and what types you couldn't stand.
It will be the same with males except that it goes further. Males and females are driven to want to find sex partners (the male) and females seek (lovers).
So that makes things more complicated than just the experience you have with girlfriends.
Most people are afraid of change so they try to make the first one or two relastionships work and so they lack experience. The process of being friends with the opposite sex, dating them and when ready, being sexual with them, is
Point #1:all about the experience, to learn what you like and don't like, can you handle a person on their worst day, do they respect and support you? Point #2:Any successful relationship also needs both parties to put in equal effort, and maximum effort to make a relationship work. If one person is not a complete whole person and lacking in some way, they are going to rely on the other to make up for their lack. Low self image contributes to this. Those relationships don't work. Likewise a person who is lazy and doesn't put any effort into the relationship has added a relationship to his/her life as a spice or flavoring instead of the main course.
Point #3 People have different needs and desires sexually. What the libido of one is, won't necessarily be the same as the next. One can be happy with sex once or twice a week and another wants it every day or every other day, or more! And none of that is abnormal. It only becomes a problem when it interferes in ones ability to do other things in life, a job, keep up with family and friends. Also on the topic of sex, those who have dated and explored their sexuality enough, often older people too, may have sexual preferences or fetishes. Some like a partner who is younger, some want someone older. Its important to be aware of possible problems when some guy wants an older woman, he coould be looking for someone to take care of him, someone to be his mommy even in sex. Some have deep seated subconscious desires they may or may not be aware of to have a mommy to make love with, or others have a desire to have daddy-daughter flavor to sex. None would ever think of acting on it in real life, so they turn to other people than their relations.
Your male friend is trying to seduce you. The rose, the reaching out to touch you. Will a man his age be completely satisfied with just a friend?
Right now he thinks he still has a chance to win you over to being his girlfriend and hopefully lover too.
You're 20, I have a daughter a year older and two more older than that...so I have heard much from them as to what they are experiencing with guys. Even thou i have shared much info with them, i could not prevent them from learning by the school of hard knocks...meaning going through the experience themselves. Once you learn what the signs and behavior is like or what it feels like to have not just a little attraction but a strong chemistry with, you'll never want to settle for less. Like my daughters, you may feel very adult at 20. I married at that age. But I lacked life experience and that marriage was a big mistake. However I learned from it. You lack dating experience yet. that's okay...we all did once. But don't stay there.
Now to your question: Is it immoral to accept to see him again ? is it cruel to lead him on when not interested.
Think, why are you doing it? It's out of a natural want to learn how to relate to men, find what you like and who treats you best and the end result is that this knowledge will help you at a future date to find the best healthy long term relationship which may be marriage. It's normal.
He is older so either he's not needing to learn and knows what he wants and is targeting you or the guy is so dense that in 25 years of being old enough to date, he has never learned how to do it right. That points to some major psychological stuff or mental health issues or personality disorders that are not easy to spot on the surface.
At this point I thought of another pointer for you dear...a person upon meeting someone and wanting to impress can put on a false persona, do an act so they seem normal and nice. It takes lots of personal energy and focus to keep it up which is easy to do when just doing the occasional dates but it becomes increasingly hard to maintain the more you are around the person you wish to win over. So when you're living together or seeing each other daily, there comes a points after a few months when a person can no longer expend the energy to keep up the charade and their normal self begins to come through. You've heard the girls who said, He was so sweet for the first 3 months and then all of a sudden he changed and became a nasty person. This is what I am talking about. I know from talking to other women, and from personal experience.
If you want to learn about men and what you like, you may be safer with someone your age, but then again not.
Keep in mind that if you wish to continue on with this guy, you need to be upfront and say, "I am not ready to be serious about any relationship with the opposite sex. Since I haven't had enough chance to date around and discover whats best for me, I am not promising you anything. The gestures you show towards me suggest you want something more than a friend. I do not plan to date exclusively but will date whomever I come across that I wish to learn more about. So if you are looking for someone to settle down with or be in a committed relationship with, it's not me, not at least at this stage in my life."
Believe me, guys will have no problem with you saying you aren't ready and that you won't date exclusively. I think its important to say so they don't get their hopes up. Don't feel like you need to learn what you need to know in the hurry or chances are you'll make some mistakes you might regret later.
If you do wish to hang out with the 40 yr old, are you ready to have sex with him? Frankly, you need to entertain the possibility. Are you attracted enought to allow it to go that way, and if so...make sure you are on birth control. I know you said you aren't interested in him. But theres such a thing as friends with benefits (sex on the side) which he may suggest to you as acceptable to him if you're not ready to be in a serious relationship.
Don't let your sexual needs force you into a sexual relationship with someone you have no sexual chemistry with. From what youve described, you dont have it or you wouldn't said certain things about how you feel around him. If there's sexual urges, take care of them on your own. Sorry to be so frank but I feel all this information applies at your age. You may have thought of these things and I am sure you have as you sound very intelligent to me and your English is better than some Americans who write for advice. But it doesnt hurt for me to give the advice that may help.
I wish you the best of luck in your dating experiences. If you have further questions you'd like me to personally answer, you can go to my page and write to my in-box.
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Well of course it would be wrong. He is person with feelings not an experiment in a laboratory. The only way to let him get closer is to lead him on. There is no way to do this honestly, since no guy is going to like to hear that someone wants to spend time with him due to the reasons you described.
Any time a person leads another person on when they know full well that person is interested in them, it is cruel and selfish. Not to mention that if he really is "desperate", for whatever reason, he may take this even worse because he would be more vulnerable.
If you aren't interested in him, just let it go.
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