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Love or friendship
So I had a friend, he was 3 years older than me. We ended up getting close and started liking each other but never officially were in a relationship. But I ended up ending all communication with because I felt betrayed. He was talking to other girls, to a point that I think he was engaged. I thought that we were just seeing one another, but he always wanted a open relationship, I didnt, but things happened, we stopped talking for 2 years now we are talking, he says he loved me, I have feelings for him. But I am hurt from a past relationship. Should I talk to him or move on.
Should I clear everything out? We never really talked about everything that happen. he says that he has changed. Any advice on how I should handle this?
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Well it seems like it was miscommunication. You both liked each other and were "talking" and were not official. So you thought you guys were exclusively talking to each other and he wasn't looking for that.
So was he engaged to be married? Anyways, I don't really know what to say about that part because maybe the girl he was engaged to might have wanted an open marriage or something, who knows.
When you guys were talking a couple years ago, did he tell you that you were the only girl he was talking to or something?
If so, then I understand why you feel betrayed. If you guys just didn't clear it up, then you can try talking to him again. But make sure you guys make it clear what you want. If he can't give you that, and you can't give him what he wants, then it's not worth it.
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I may be reading this wrong so write me and clarify if thats so but 2 things stick out at me, you thought he was engaged and him wanting an open relationship. There are several ways to look at those two 's phrases with 2 totally different outcomes.
Did you mean engaged as to be married? Or just engaged as very into the other girls, very active in their lives?
The term open relationship or open marriage can have totally different meaning too depending on circumstances. In the marriage, when it's open, both partners have decided that each could have another lover on the outside of the marriage but the marriage partner still came first in any marriage decisions. In a dating relationship, it might mean the same thing but it also may not.
An open relationship may have meant that he prefers females for friends over males. I happen to prefer males over females for friends. Both my hubby and I understand this about each other and it in no way threatens us or affects our love for each other.
Since he didn't explain at the time, its high time that the two of you talk. In the beginning, it would be hard to trust until he's proven himself over time to be in-love with you.
Ask him these questions:
Do you prefer having females for friends over males?
Do you truly feel monogamous or do you feel you are more polyamorous?
I would suggest you read up on what that is because if he is, you'd need to know if you cold be on the same page or just let him go. Polyamorous means there is another love outside of the core relationship of you and him, either another couple or two singles, one for each of you if you're blessed that way. Its more about relationship here, not just about sex.
Swinging on the other hand is ONLY about the sex. I am well acquainted with what I speak about.
Neither option is a good idea for a brand new relationship or one during child bearing years. It much better to decide after 10 years or more of a committed relationship/marriage if the two of you would go that path.
You might also ask if he feels drawn to wanting to experience a variety of women in sex? Whether he has been sexual or not. He should know the answer.
He is allowed to feel the way he does. And you are entitled to feel about things the way you do. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex and there is nothing wrong with openess about extra relationships...it's just not for everyone. So you must be able to be openminded in your talk with him. Not condemning so he can feel free to tell you the total truth, not just saying that he loved you and still does. Thats fine. But it's the other issues that will affect the relationship if both of you see differently. If that's the case, neither one of you should offer to change who you are to be in a relationship together.
Takes the biggest mistake any one of us could make. I did, I changed who I was to try to be something for him that I was not. It was a bad marriage no matter what I did.
If you agreed to open relationship as in other close female friends for him or lovers on side, then you would never fully develop trust because you aren't being true to yourself. You comes first before you with another.
So instead of you making the change, lets say your male friend has admitted he feels polyamorous but will make a committment to be devoted only to you. AND he may truly in his heart have meant it. But if he is lying to himself and going against who he really is inside, he sets himself up for feeling unhappy in the future once the stress of remaining devoted to only you finally catches up with him. He can feel resentful of his situation, not you necessarily but it will affect the relationship, you will feel a distance or detachment on his part and notice he seems unhappy and it could 's end eventually one way or another.
I just want you to be aware of the pitfalls of forcing a relationship because of feelings when the two ideals and morals and ethics of what you live by are so different. Hopefully everything goes well for your in your talk with him. Good luck hon.
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