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Very complicated marriage and infidelity problems
Hi, 3 years ago I found out my wife was having an affair , maybe I pushed her away through working day and night ,then I met my wifes colegue who is much younger was in a bad way , I decorated her flat and tried to help her as much as I could I felt so sorry for her and became a close freind .Then I fell for her we became lovers and soul mates this is it I thought shes the one know 3 years later she wants to be just freinds after letting me spend all my time , money and most of all loving her. Before anyone judges me or her she came from an abusive family and she feels so much guilt it took the fun from our relationship know I love this lady who is 24 while I am 40 more than anything but her freinds have taken against me because of my age and started to turn her against me , have I really done wrong loving someone who had nothing and who made me feel good again, know shes starting to go out and her freinds wanted to set her up on a date , I am mortified because I really dont want to lose her at all , but she is becoming more distant and just lately says its making her ill the guilt and if it came out she would take an overdose ,I know people will judge me but i can't help loving this lady more than i have ever loved anyone i am tottally loved up , not eating or sleeping and i can't stand the thought of losing her , although she is distancing herself from me , i feel like im just there for her when she wants me because we argue all the time too .
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Thankyou for your reply we both have been checked out and I cannot ever forgive my wife for her betrayal , it has left me with a lot of anger so on my part the love I have for this other woman is tottally TRUE . I want her in my life I have been provider and protector and dont want to lose her she says I smother her all the time and she feels tottally sick with guilt as she doesn't want to hurt my wife ! She loves me but because of her freinds comment about my age shes know having second thoughts , I think of her as a soulmate and dont want to lose her at all.
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I don't know what your wife was doing during your relationship with the younger woman, but if she was also in another relationship, i think it's high time the two of you talked honestly and openly about what's going on. Either the two of you are mismatched and shouldn't be together or you have plenty in common and should stay together.
One thing that is a fact is that many people like animals, are not monogamous. WHile some are, most of us force ourselves into the monogamous role because that is all that society teaches us is okay and normal.
It couldn't be more wrong. However, there needs to be some real love and consistency in a marriage if you are raising children. It is a disservice to them if it's anything but that.
The only thing I can see wrong here, is not being honest with each other. There is such a thing as an open marriage, where both partners have someone else on the outside of the marriage. Here, Both of you will have agreed to be open and share about your situation, maybe who it is but not necessarily so there doesn't have to be any sneaking around. You are now being a responsible adult and a person of integrity by chosing to live such a lifestyle by agreement with each other. Some choose swinging, some chose polyamory. What you two are doing doesnt resemble either of those, it most closely resembles the open marriage but what's missing is the two of you being open. The 2nd relationship can be as strong and real as the first but should not destroy the first one. If you had been open, you could have the comfort and the consoling of your wife to help you through a difficult time.
Since your young ladyfriend has less life experience, she is possibly more prone to listen to any opinions without taking into consideration that these opinions are based on what is comfortable or good for the one giving their opinion, not on what is good for her. She needs to learn to make decisions based in her life on what she feels is best.
Bad part, there is nothing you can do to make her see the light and change.
No person has the ability to change another person. If we did, there'd be no free will and God would be forcing us to do stuff (essentially robots) and no choice of our own to learn and grow by.
Who knows if you'll ever find someone like that again.
So no matter if you and wife both have no one else at this moment...its time to talk...forgive for the past and come to some agreement for the future.
Children if there are any little or college age, are very adaptable.
Look how many are able to understand having 2 sets of parents, mom and dad remarried to new partners. It isn't the best but depending on how maturely the adults handle it, it wont have any dire effects on the kids.
Kids also do very well if parents have other sexual partners or relationships. I have many friends who are sex positive folk who engage in these lifestyles and the children were well adjusted...and in many cases grew up to know more about sex..the real facts than kids their own age. It did not cause them to have sex too early or even want the same sexual lifestyle choices for themselves. So there is no good arguments against an open marriage.
For the sake of possible STD's contracted, it is best to be open and have guidelines with your partner so they can go be checked if your other partner exhibits some symptoms. Good luck.
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