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Ways I can begin to stop hating myself/gain confidence
I want to feel worthy of living. I don't feel I deserve anything I have/ever will. I think about the roof I have over my head and feel guilty because there's someone my age who's much smarter and prettier out there who doesn't have a good home, and I do. I almost feel as if I'm stealing from someone who actually deserves the things I have. Even breathing gives me anxiety, I feel like I'm taking oxygen from people who actually matter.
I feel like a humongous waste of space and time. I wish so much that someone else had been born into this situation in my place. I have no idea why God put me here. But then sometimes I think, "Without ugly people, there are no beautiful people." and like, SOMEONE has to have an average IQ, I guess.
These feelings have been growing since I was 10. I'm 19 now, and I don't think I can take much more of this life. I've stopped praying because I feel like I'm bothering Him. And I know that's not true, but I feel like that anyway. I have a lot of friends, but I'm always the one comforting THEM and listening to THEIR troubles. They don't feel like they have to care about my worries. I always pretend like I'm happy, I've gotten so good at it, I almost fool myself. But I have this constant depression cloud hanging over me, sometimes it's impossible to ignore.
To release some tension, I've taken to cutting myself secretly. It's always in covered places, if you can see them I always have an excuse. I looked up how much aspirin it would take to kill a person, separated that much into a plastic baggie and keep it in my sock drawer. I made a post-suicidal apology video. Literally the only reason I'm still alive right now is because of how much it would scar my mother. I honestly don't know why she loves me, my other siblings are astronomically more talented and beautiful. When I drive across bridges on the highway, I have to restrain myself from driving off them. I'm not afraid of dark and empty parking lots or anything because if someone killed me, I'd be relieved. And as sick as this is, sometimes I daydream about getting a terminal illness, not telling anyone about it, and dying a few days later.
I'm not looking for a pity-party, or anyone to tell me not to do it. I hate it when people use cutting or suicide threats for attention. I want to know how I can tolerate myself again, and maybe even learn to like me. I don't know how much longer I can go for anymore. I can feel myself coming to my limit. Soon my mom won't even matter to me. I already know Jesus loves me no matter what, and however I die I'll be with him. But... At the same time, you get one life. This is it. Any tips for me to want to continues living? Much appreciated, sorry for the length, thanks for your time.
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First I'm going to suggest talking to therapist. They'll be much more help than we will. They can go deeper into your problems and help you learn to deal with them.
I can understand the things you're thinking. But since you believe in God, you believe he put you where he wants you to be. I mean maybe someday, you'll meet someone who is dealing with something like this and you'll be able to help them because you were in this situation.
You have a good life, you need to enjoy it because you can't change the fact the other people don't have it as good. But you can give to people and you can help people and that's something that will help you feel better, and help other people feel better. So I'd look into something to do for the community.
As for your friends, if they are good friends, they'll listen to you and be there for you.
Because of your cutting and suicidal thoughts, you need to seek help because these things are hard to overcome by yourself.
Like you said, you have one life, you don't want to lose it so fast and you don't want to spend it being depressed. So go get the help you deserve.
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I believe adviceman has a good point it does sound like survivors guilt. So if there is nothing in this lifetime that could have caused it, then perhaps it is something that your soul remembers from a past lifetime, and that will cause the equally strong feelings and emotions. No matter which is causing it, yes you need to see someone professionally to begin to heal and overcome it. Though with a past life experience being the cause, you may want to have someone who specifically advertises that they work on past life regressions, it's like hynotherapy, taking you back to an event that far back. Once your mind is put to rest and okay with that situation, the effect in the current life will be immediate.
You mention praying and asking God for help. I used to be in the Christian belief and Holy Spirit slowly taught me how to fully trust him by giving me things to say to people that I wouldn't have possibly known about what was going on in their life, usually the right scripture verse, somethings just a phrase or encouragement. So when I was told to open my perspective and know that we do get several lives, not just one, I knew from experience I was hearing from the Holy Spirit, not the devil. I can't hope in this message to convince you of that. Hearing back specific things from God takes lots of practice of talking and not hearing, until one day, after getting good at sending out messages, our 'radio' is finally tuned to the right station and we hear back. Yes, Jesus loves you and probably wishes you could hear him so He can tell you what to do and encourage you. The best I can say is that hearing Jesus is much like hearing your own thoughts in your head, its like talking to what some call, their higher self or their inner voice. No matter what people call it, it's God. Sometimes we just don't recognize it. And often we have to go by not words but a gut feeling we get. Each of us has a small piece of God living inside of us...everyone even those who live a life doing the opposite of what our Heavenly father does. Many never realize He's there. So He isn't far away dear. He is there inside of you. He lived a human life so he can know what it really feels like to be overwhelmed, upset, angry, and yes, maybe depressed. Don't you think he ever felt depressed after delivering a speech and everyone clapped and said what a great message and every single one proved the next day by their actions that they didn't get it? I think he had to deal with it. No one is going to tell you that though. All they were willing to show in the Bible is that "Jesus wept." and got angry with the money changers.
I dont know how much your parents know of how you feel or your pastor. Or if you have tried and their attitudes are not helpful. I can easily see some churches saying if you are feeling suicidal that you under the possession of a demon. All a bunch of misconceptions that have grown over history. There is no longer any such thing since Jesus came and died. Yes there was before he came and thats why he was casting em out while on earth. I know from my church that we were told our faith was strong enough if we weren't getting results and that we just needed more faith. Thats not helpful But If the church isnt a problem, tell mom and dad. They as your parents must love you very much and a parent would do anything to help their child. I am a parent of 3 daughters. I have had to help 2 of them through depression. One needed medication the other, it was more her mind set and willpower that made the difference as there was no chemical imbalance in the body.
If you have told the parents and they aren't helpful, i am sorry to hear that.
Basically, your actions need to be two fold. One, start seeing a counselor. If you don't connect with that person, see another until you have found one that is right for you.
Second, work on hearing your inner voice from God. Who was it who laid out the fleece and asked for a sign from God? This is one way to get your communication from God going. You wrote a lot to us to explain but I feel there may be some vital pieces of info I dont have that you don't think relevant. But God knows those. If you wish to talk to me again, you may write to my inbox. I wish you the best dear. But you have to start reaching out. You don't show your friends you are hurting...so many will simply not know. No one I worked with ever knew my first husband was abusive.. They only knew when I told them why , that I was leaving my job abruptly to finally leave to another state due to abuse. I am not worried about your cutting. That will eventually stop when you get the right help for your mind and your troubled heart and soul. Write me anytime. Talking about it to someone, even those you dont know is reaching out in a way...good way to get used to doing that. And since I am a stranger, it's easier to share with strangers. But I do care. Blessings to you dear.
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You sound like someone who is suffering from some type of survivors guilt or maybe suffered a trauma that you have suppressed these past 9 years. By you cutting I believe you are depressed which would include the survivors guilt I see in what you have written.
I can't say why I see survivors guilt as it is not what you say but how you have said it that causes me to see this. Survivors guilt is a form of trauma survival where you survived something others have not.
What you do need is professional help for a psychiatrist for possible medication and a psychologist for talk therapy to find the root cause of the problem. You speak of having made plans for suicide which says you are actively suicidal having suicidal ideation. You should seek immediate help.
The fastest way to get the help you need is to call 911. Tell them about the video you made and the bag of aspirin in your sock draw. They will send help to you. I suggest you do this now. You have taken the first step in asking for help by writing to us. Calling 911 is the next best step in helping yourself.
You can also call the National Suicide hot line. Their number is 1-800-273-8255. This line is available 24/7. No matter what problems you are dealing with, they want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
Please call either 911 or the hotline for help. Life is worth living. I know this for I am a survivor.
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