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Is my best friend a lesbian?
Hi this may be a little long winded but thanks to anyone who reads this.
I am 23 and female, I have been friends with my friend lets call her T for 10 years, we were very close when we were younger and spent all of our time together, as we got a bit older she moved schools and we grew apart a little but we used to meet up and get drunk, anyways we used to kiss whilst drunk but we still dated boys.
I got in a bad relationship for a while and did not really see her, when we were 19 we ended up having a threesome with a guy we met in a club, and she was not interested in the guy she mostly wanted me.
Now years later we both have a child each, she is engaged and I am in a committed relationship, when we go out she still flirts, ages ago she told me she loved me when drunk. Last week we went out and she told me she was attracted to me, she was trying to hug me alot and touch my face then when I confronted her about this she said it was in my head and was weird.
I am just so confused about whether she is straight or not and what her behavior means, has anyone else been in this situation and could you shed any light on it?
Thanks :)
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I haven't been in this kind of situation but considering her actions, I think she is either bi or les. So ask her. If she gets butthurt by the question then that is on her.
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There is not much talk about women being bi-sexual. But there are more women who are than men. I have hung out in clubs in my past where you found lots of bi-sexual women. I got to talk to their husbands. They were okay with her wanting to have fun with another female. They themselves had no interest in any other female than their girl-friend/wife.
I wonder whose idea it was to have the 3-some once. I am guessing it was her talking you into the both of you giving this guy a great time by focusing on him together. It may be that her infatuation with other females only extends to you, or perhaps she isn't willing to admit she is bi-sexual. She better figure it out quickly because it will cause problems for her new marriage if the husband is not okay with it.
Just to make it clear for you: a Lesbian is only sexually turned on by another female. A person who is bi sexual is sexually turned on by both males and females. Nothing wrong in that, it's just how some people are wired. You can be supportive as her close friend without becoming a partner for her. First be honest with your self, are you turned on by females...excluding when you are drunk and inhibitions lowered. You would know it because you would experience the feelings while fully sober. If you are not, you need to be honest with her. Since she has not been willing to bring up the subject but just try to get a positive reaction from you, your friend isn't going about this in the best way. Her feelings were hurt when she was coming on to you and you rejected her, thats likely why she then said it is all in your head. Go read up on bi-sexuality on line. Then approach her to talk about it. Tell her that while you feel comfortable doing stuff in the past while drunk that you've been honest with yourself and find that you are not sexually turned on by females, you don't find yourself actually wanting them. You have read about bi-sexuality and wonder if maybe thats what is going on with her. Reassure her that you know she likes men so she is not a lesbian but there are women who like both. As her friend, you are asking that she be honest with herself, and its okay if she is, she isn't going to lose you as a friend, you just won't be a female sex partner. Bring up honesty and truth between her and the fiancee. Your concern being that she may want to look on line for other females looking for bi women friend and discover now by trying it, if she really is sexually turned on by women as well as men or was it only you. She deserves to know this about herself before the actual marriage so she can tell her fiancee if she is. It may be a deal-breaker. It may not be. Many guys do not feel threatened by that at all. But to say nothing and discover this after several years of marriage is a bigger emotional mess to deal with.
Be a good friend and have a talk with her. She may not be receptive but the thought will be planted and if she is still bi-curious, I bet you she will at some point try it out again in the future with someone else to verify that need in her or not.
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You say she is engaged and has a child. You also say when she is drunk she says she loves you. While alcohol does tend to lower ones inhibitions the facts as you have presented them do not truly point to her being a lesbian. She may be bi or bi-curious.
It is also possible that she is a lesbian and trying to pass in the straight world or in other words deny her true sexuality. It is really hard for me or any of us to say for sure since we do not know her. To make a definitive call based on the limited information you have supplied would be wrong.
I do get the feeling that you are uncomfortable with the thought that she is sexually attracted to you. There are two ways to handle this:
1. Do not get in a situation where she can explore her sexual attraction to you. Such as the three-way you once had with her.
2. You could and I do suggest that you have a frank and open discussion with her about the feelings she is giving off to you.
You can love someone and not have sexual feeling towards them or want to have sex with them. I'm sure in your own way, being friends for as long as you have, you have feeling of love for her that are more like ones you would have for a sister or cousin.
Should it turn out that she is a lesbian or bi it should not change your relationship with her. She is the same person you have always been friends with. Just maybe a little more open about her sexuality then before. The only thing that needs to be said is that you need to tell her your feelings for her are not sexual. That if she wants to continue the friendship that she should not continue to hit on you.
If I had to come down on one side of this issue or the other. My bet is that your friend is bi. I do not think a true lesbian could commit to a relationship with a male where she would have to have sex with him.
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