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unfaithfulness / adultery
my husband was having a fling with a woman and was about to go see her in another country, had I not caught him. I took everything away from him and told him to leave. now he wants me to give him a chance. however he treated me very cold before and i begged for a chance mine you I cook, wash, clean his house. I don't drink or smoke. I cried and told him what did I do wrong. I got on my knees and told him whatever I had to do to better our marriage. He just keep telling me that he didn't want to try, and he told me to change for myself that he didn't love me. however he was nice. he said he wanted to start a new life at 45. we've been married 17 yr's. and have a 16 year old son. he talked to the woman on the phone in front of me, told her not to call, text, or e-mail him. however I don't see him the same. very quite and like his thinking. The female is 34 and is crippled from the waist down. An old school so called friend introduced him. My husband would come home from work always moody and said he wanted to be alone in the bedroom he wanted time away from me. he got information on plane tickets and was looking where she lived on map quest and going to get a loan for the trip. till i caught him. I told him that he was committing adultery and so was she, because we were married before God, but that didn't move his conscience. help pleas
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I don't know how big a loan it was to be, but to intend to take out any loan which puts your family in a less strong standing financially just to satisfy his needs and/or curiousity is very selfish of him. He wasn't thinking of the impact on you or the son. The fact that he could not be honest with you no matter how it hurt, shows he is a weak person with no strong morals or values at his core of being. It sounds like the man you are married to may have loved you as a person, loves you maybe as the mother of his son but it probably ends there. His love is more like a love for mom or sister or grandmother, but certainly not the love for a spouse. Making vows before God means nothing to many. Only those who have core values to begin with.
Many people marry who should not because the amount of sexual chemistry and compatibility they have with each other is mediocre but when a person has nothing better to compare against, you have no idea until you have been married a while that you're with the wrong person. I as a christian lady followed the rules to not have sex before marriage. I wish i had been having a sexual relationship with him before cus I would have known something was seriously wrong. In compatibility, we probably were 3 on a scale of 1-10. If you arent an 8,9, 10 a couple has no business getting married or staying married once they discover this. It's okay to make a mistake. But trying to force staying together because of misplaced devotion to ones faith is crazy. I was crazy, I stayed with him 30 yrs before God told me to leave because the stress hubby was experiencing from a life of marriage to someone who he had no chemistry with was causing him to treat me with frustration, disrespect, anger etc...and the stress my body received because of it was going to kill me in the end if I did not leave...that is what the Holy spirit told me. I would be dead in 4 yrs if i didn't leave. I left.
Honey you have done nothing wrong. In some cases one person is in love and committed and satisfied and sees no problem which may have been the case for you unless you were just choosing the ignore the signs. in my case i ignored the signs. From the start I bet you were the wrong person for him. You know those romance novels with the hot passion for each other, mutual for both? Sometimes its there for a couple months only...called new relationship energy. Eventually it wears off and you know then what you are left with. If after NRE wears off, you don't have any hot passion together...something is wrong. I choose to believe that romance novels were b.s. and there is no such thing in real life. Boy was I wrong. My new husband is my sexual equal. I have the exact body he dreamed of since he was a young boy. He and I have a vibrant sex life...it IS possible. You deserve it too. Your husband realizes something is wrong and that you dont bring that spark to him. Its not his fault or yours that there is no spark for him or both of you. Its a chemical thing. But for him to not be honest about how he felt and seek to go behi spirit told me. I would be dead in 4 yrs if i dund your back is very wrong. You need to split up because the two of you are not right for each other and there is some guy out there for who you will be the cats meow. He will treat you as a Queen and he will say how blessed he is to have you and he will never tire of seeing you undressed, or of kissing, or flirting, or making love. It will be as special the umpteenth time with your new mate as it was the first time with your new mate. Once you experience this, you will realize what you had with the ex never ever came near. To move forward however, you will need to have some heart to heart talks with God and hear directly from him, his blessing for you to move on. God does not have the restrictions that the church does. I highly doubt He will tell you to stay with your current husband.
Also:
Think of what your son is witnessing. He only has the negative impression of devotion in marriage. If he is to have a successful marriage of his own someday, it would be good for him to see you treated well and fully loved and cherished by a new husband. The children always know way more than you give them credit for. Mine did and so did the teen or college age kids of many friends. They always knew. While seeing parents split up is hard, in the long run, your son is going to want more for you and dad to be happy and if that means having different partners, then that is good.
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I'm a little confused after reading what you wrote so let me see if I understand you correctly.
You caught your husband having somewhat of an affair with a women he has not met personally; in another country. He was about to get a loan to purchase a ticket to fly to meet this woman who is also handicapped. When you caught him you made him move out.
Prior to this your husband was cold to you and you begged him to tell you what you needed to do to change for him or what you had done wrong. He said to change for yourself and that he didn't love you and wanted to start a new life. Now he wants you to give him a chance.
We can't tell you what to do only what we would do or what we think you should do. In the end whatever you decide has to be your decision.
My take on this is your husband has had a taste of life on his own and found that life on the other side of the fence is not the greener grass he thought it was. Now he wants to come home to get back what he had. I can't say that his feelings have changed for you or for his home life with you. Only that he doesn't like living alone. Just where this other woman is in the problem I do not know and really is not relevant at the moment.
If I were you I would be looking for an attorney to file for a legal separation. This separation would be for the court ordered support you and your son entitled to by law. This would also be a prelude to a divorce if that is what you finally decide upon.
What this separation agreement does is it allows for you and your son to have what is legally required of your husband in the way of support. This will either be agreed upon between the two of you, your lawyers and the laws of where you live or ordered by the courts.
This legal separation is time out from your marriage. A time for you and him to either work towards getting back together or deciding to finalize with a divorce.
I do not think you need to change as much as he needs to change if this marriage is to continue. Remember he is the one with the wondering eye. I may be a male but it is always the man blaming the women for his extra marital exploits when it is generally not her fault.
During this time you can and should attend joint marriage counseling, possibly date but not enjoy marital benefits with each other. No way should he live in your home either.
His willingness to do any of this including how willing he is to agree to a legal separation should tell you how willing he is to save this marriage or if he is only looking a home with a maid with benefits when and if he wants them.
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