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Making new friends & Leaving comfort zone
22/M
Hi. I've been in a job for a few months. It's weird, because I moved to a different city and I've had to make new friends. But because we all work together, I stick with my housemates.
I've always been the type of person that prefers one close friend, as opposed to many not so close ones.
I've also always been quite shy.
The thing with this job is, there are a few bars that are pretty much at work. After work, everyone from top managment to the cleaners go there. They're institutions, that everyone knows and everyone goes to. Except me. I've been a couple times. I'm just not a big drinker -I have a relatively low alcohol tolerance, but don't get me wrong - I do enjoy a drink.
Someone new started in the office a couple of months ago, and he was talking about how he went and met all these people, and was sharing his anecdotes.
I just don't know how to do that. When I see a big group of people sitting and talking, do I introduce myself? Do I go over and ask to sit down? I just don't know how to make new friends, without someone approaching me first, or being introduced to them by a mutual friend. The new guy went alone, so I just want to get your lots advice on how this is done.
Any advice?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
The few times I have been to bars, it was ones with live music and the music was too loud for talk. I can't say that i know what people do for chit chat at a bar but I do have a recipe for overcoming shyness. You can practice it at the bar. But if I were you, I would practice it with people you really dont know total strangers or faces you see at work whom you dont know and don't work with, until you are comfortable enough to strike up convos first at the bar with co workers.
How to Overcome Shyness
You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pulling an item off the rack, something that looks absolutely hideous and showing it to her, "Look at this. Can you imagine people wanting to wear this. It would make them look like a......" Or "Even though I am small, I have a hard time finding things in my size, do you have the same problems? Keep trying ways to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes when it is ripe, so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. If you can learn to start conversations away from the bar, you will be able to do it there as well. Although, everyone is just sitting around drinking and not doing something that might give me a clue. If a seat is empty just ask if anyone has claimed that seat yet. If they all say no, then seat yourself and start listening to the conversation around you. If they are talking about things you have an interest in or comment to add, do so. If not, just continue listening for a while, & if no topic comes up that you like and you are bored, get up to get a refill and use that chance to walk up to another cluster of people. Say hi and what are you guys talking about. If you feel comfortable you might say what the others were talking about but you aren't interested in that. Maybe give an example of what does interest you. Start a convo about food. Everyone has to eat and has likes and dislikes. Ask if they really like bar food. Give a chance for answers. Next ask if anyone has gone to such and such restaurant nearby and whats the food like there. Or mention that you like Thai or whatever your favorite is and ask what others think are the best places to go for that. If no one seems to like the ethnic food you like, dont give up, ask about another type. Tell a story about bad service or great service you got at a place. The bad service stories I have shared were really incredible, stuff i couldnt believe was happening to me at the time. This should capture attention. It takes practice adding bits to an always active topic before you start one of your own.
This should help you.
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